Advantages of being on the no-fly list

I would like to be on a no-fly list. How do I get on the list?
In certain situations, it would be fun to say, "I'm sorry. I can't go. I'm on the no-fly list." Or, in other situations, it would be fun to say, "I'll be there, but it will take a week or two because I'm on the no-fly list."
Here are just a few of the many advantages of being on the no-fly list:

1) no more crappy airline food (if they give you anything at all)
2) no more airport security
3) no more airport tax
4) no more mean airport people
5) more train travel
6) more cruises
7) fewer visits to the tropical medicine clinic
8) more time relaxing at home
9) cachet of being able to announce at a cocktail party, "Yes, well, before I was on the no-fly list, blah blah blah..."
10) knowing you won't die in a plane crash

Advice for those going to family reunions

I love my family. As individuals, they are delightful, young and old. However, when my family comes together for a reunion, things have traditionally broken down. We're a highly sensitive bunch, so there can be a lot of hurt feelings, latent hostility and ISSUES just ready to rise to the surface. At our last family reunion, we had a couple of family members running crying into the forest. We'd be a good cast for a Woody Allen film.

OK here's some family reunion advice. I'd love to have more:

1) Have some kind of escape vehicule. Never go to a family reunion without a functioning car.
2) Before you go, tell your family how busy you are. Bring your laptop in case you need to hide somewhere and "work".
3) Bring medication.
4) Bring alcohol.
5) Go to your happy place.
6) Make sure your sleeping quarters will be in a room with a door that closes. If it's not, check yourself into the nearest motel.
7) Compile a list of relaxation techniques before you go.
8) Imagine you are Buddhist.
9) Present yourself to your family as an exercise freak and go for long runs.
10) Make a post-reunion appointment with your therapist.

Why Facebook is the devil's tool...

1) Facebook creates false intimacy with people who are not your real friends. People who would never have the balls to send you an email feel free to facebook you shamelessly throughout the work day.
2) Facebook generates social anxiety.
3) Facebook allows people who are not clear on boundaries to spew their crap out for all the world to see. A further note on this one--- At least a blog allows a certain depth. Facebook users, on the other hand, can spew out only the thinnest veneer of crap. This is because Facebook has the depth of toddler wading pool before the water's been put in. (Apologies for the crap/toddler imagery).
4) Facebook is highly addictive, particularly for the OCD types. I'm sure it will soon be banned from all workplaces.
5) There is no fifth reason.

On a more positive note, I just love the Facebook status profile feature. I think it's the best part of the whole fucking interface.

Metallic shorts

I am having a mid-life crisis. I just bought a pair of metallic bermuda shorts. They were on sale. Who knows what's next. Stay tuned.

Cyber-stalking

I'm currently cyber-stalking a former professor of mine whose bones I considered jumping many moons ago. I didn't at the time. There were others involved. He was my professor, after all. I saw him on the street years later, ran away and hid from him, and then later cried into a gin and tonic with a friend. This was a bad bad crush that left me with lots of regrets.

In the past couple of years, I decided to cyber-stalk him. This is what I've found out so far:

1) He is now a "faculbrity" at a well-known U.S. Ivy League school.
2) He is still hot.
3) He has 2 kids.
4) He divorced wife #1.
5) He divorced wife #2.
6) Divorced wife #2 is another "faculbrity" who was described on ratemyprofessor.com as "self-righteous and opinionated, but smokin' hot."
7) He now has a girlfriend he rides around on a motorcycle with.
8) He takes his kids to fun, tropical places.
9) He's published lots of stuff.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Borrowed Car Etiquette

I am still driving the borrowed the car: the very large American car, which I love in a kind of sick way. When I borrowed this car, I intended to give it back in mint condition: clean, full of gas, with a fresh oil change. To my horror yesterday, I noticed that it is missing a hubcap. I have lost of hubcap. I'm not sure how this happened. I prefer to believe that it was stolen, rather than examine my own driving technique.
I called a couple of scrapyards and they don't have one. One said he'd order me in one and it would cost $45. Another said I would have to call the dealer, and buy an entire set, which would be costly.
My question to you car people out there: where can I find a hubcap for around $10?

Using Coasters for Therapy

If you are meeting a friend in a bar, and you need props to talk about relationship issues, I recommend using coasters. You can hold them upright if they need to interact with each other. One coaster can be you (or your friend), and the other can be the paramour. To be supportive to your friend, you can talk directly to the coasters, and ask probing questions to the coasters. Or, you can do what I did, and put the coaster representing my friend down on the table and beat it with your fist.

More on stuff up for grabs

Since the Great Glebe Garage Sale, I've had a bunch of crap sitting on my porch. I came home to find this note with $5 attached to it on my door:

For the Box;
Hoping its for free,
if not email me at ...xxxxxx
Here is $5 for the box!
Thank You!!

I decided to email the person, even though the box of crap was up for grabs. Here is my email:

Dear Person who took box off my porch and gave me $5,

The box is indeed free. And, thank you for the $5, which was completely unnecessary since, as I mentioned before, the box is free.

I did want to let you know, though, that it might not be appropriate to take boxes or other items off people's porches. Generally, people place their free, up-for-grabs stuff on the curb. I'm a messy person and leave all kinds of shit lying around on my porch and in my yard. That doesn't mean I want people to take it, even if they do leave $5. So, what I'm trying to say is that when you go on people's porches, take stuff, and leave money in the door, it's a bit creepy. I thought you might appreciate the feedback.

Hope you enjoy the box of stuff. Thanks again for the $5.

Sincerely,
Agatha

stuff of mine that is up for grabs

- a lovely inkjet printer
- a thingy to hang a light from the ceiling
- plastic office organizer things
- a broken palm pilot
- a clip frame with an ugly picture inside
- various bags I`ve gotten free at conferences
- a piece of art I picked up in the garbage that you could staple a piece of fabric onto and make your own art

PUBLOG: Humphrey's on Bank Street in the Glebe

A few weeks ago, Dwarfie and I decided to check out Humphrey's on Bank (683 Bank Street near Powell) and were pleasantly surprised.

Things we liked:
1) Lovely patio set back from Bank Street.
2) Indian food ("This sag paneer is fabulous!" 4th Dwarf exclaimed. He is generally not that positive about pub food).
3) Nice casual, friendly server.

Things we didn't like as much:
1) Music was a bit too loud for our liking inside.
2) No cider, so I had to order a $9 glass of wine. They were a bit cheap on the amount of wine they poured into the glass.
3) Prices slightly higher than standard pub food.

I returned to Humphrey's for another delightful evening, this time with the dischevelled waiter, and, to our delight, there was a Beatles Cover band playing: a cute pair of moptops singing Beatles' classics. I didn't catch the name of the band, unfortunately. The song, "Rocky Raccoon" was a highlight for me.

Last weekend, during the Art in the Park event in the Glebe, they had jazz musicians playing on the patio. I like what they are doing with this place.

I'm on a mission to find other good summer patios in this city. Suggestions would be most welcome.

This week

My internet has been down.
The Sens went down.
My health went down.

I missed the Bluesfest early bird deadline. I am a late bird.

How about a few Happy Honeymoon Stories?

Over at Asteroidea Press, the very talented Megan Butcher and Jennifer Whiteford are working on a new Manners Zine. They are collecting "honeymoon horror stories." I was able to provide them with a couple, and there are plenty more where that came from.
I'm wondering if they will be collecting some happy honeymoon stories, as well... If so, I have one. Here it is:
My paramour accidentally vacuumed a pair of my knickers. He put a piece of masking tape on the vacuum cleaner and wrote on it "Aggie's panties" to remind him to retrieve them later from the vacuum bag. He never did retrieve them, but the masking tape remained, long after the relationship. Pretty sweet, eh?