New Year's Resolutions: What I want more of....

I've decided that this year's resolutions should be about what I want MORE of, rather than the usual what I should be doing less of.

Here's what I want more of:

Crafting
Shagging
Exercising
Meditating
Writing
Reading
Paradigm shifting

That's it. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

Not conducive to shagging...(the holidays continued)

So, I'm on the futon with my shagging partner who is hacking up a lung, but making efforts to get into a kind of romantic mood, when HIS MOTHER appears and sits on the edge of the bed with a flashlight and her cosmetic bag. At first, I think I'm having an acid flashback -- because this could not really be happening. But, no, it is indeed his mother sitting on the bed. "It's ok, Mom" he says, irritated. I still have no idea what is going on, and am peering at her from behind a sheet. She produces a cough drop from the cosmetic bag. "Here you go, dear," she says, and disappears into the darkness.
Yes, I'm ready for the holidays to be over.

Boxing Day

Day of napping. Day of eating leftovers: ham, turkey, tortiere, butter cookies, nuked stuffing and gravy, olives, rolls, wine. Day of more napping. Day of playing with toys.

Conversation I had with a 4-year old today:

Me: Can I play with some of your toys?
Kid: You can play with whatever you want. Just don't bother me. I'm really busy.

I like this kid.

Merry, Merry....

Long story, but my Christmas started in a Moncton Emergency Room. I wasn't the one with the emergency, but was resentfully accompanying the victim. In the end, I felt a bit guilty about my questions and comments as we drove to the ER: "Are you sure you can't just suck it up for Christmas dinner?" and "You know that using the Emergency room is a massive tax on the system, blah blah blah". Not very Christmas spirity at all. Anway, turns out my sick companion has pneumonia, which sucks.

Upon arrival, the Moncton ER scene consisted of one little crying kid with a bloody hand, and another guy with a bloody hand who seemed to think that showing his hand gash to the little kid would make him feel better. It didn't. Among the other waiting room victims was a woman with a bashed-in face accompanied by her son. She said she tripped and fell into a table. In lovely Moncton French, she told me, "J'ai cassE un bone dans ma face." That really sucks.

Then, we went to the pharmacy to get the drugs. My victim met an aquaintance in front of him at the prescription counter who was also a sickly grey colour, and who parted with his own drugs, saying "I hope you don't die. That would suck!" which my victim thought was completely inappropriate, and I agreed. A simple, "Merry Christmas" would have been adequate.

The day has improved significantly. Hope you are all having a healthy holiday, and doing your best to stay out of emergency rooms.

Toblerone Fudge recipe that my sister-in-law makes

My sister-in-law made this fudge, and it is really really really good. Only four ingredients.

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup evaporated milk
1 bar (400g) Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate, broken into pieces

Line 8-inch square pan with parchment paper, with ends of paper extending over sides of pan. Put it aside. Dump sugar, butter and evaporated milk in large heavy saucepan.

Bring to full rolling boil on medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil 5 min., stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

Add chocolate, and stir until completely melted. Pour it all into prepared pan. Refrigerate 3 hours or until firm. Remove fudge from pan, using parchment paper handles. Cut into 25 squares. Keep fudge in tightly covered container in the refrigerator.

Christmas lethargy

Christmas lethargy has set in. I can no longer shop. I can no longer make cushions. I can no longer drink eggnog. It's not even Christmas yet, and I just feel like settling in for a long winter's nap... I've tried coffee. I've tried light exercise. I've tried sleep. Still, my energy level is tanking. Maybe it's a vitamin deficiency. Maybe I'm ill. Maybe I'm having a mental health crisis. Maybe I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm yawning. My eyes are in a constant squint.

Kick-ass Shortbread Cookies

Only three ingredients:

4 cups of flour
1 cup of icing sugar
A pound of butter (How can you go wrong?)

Mix ingredients. Be prepared to work the dough.

Roll into balls. Put the balls on a cookie sheet and press them down with a fork.

Bake them at 350 for 7 minutes.

Optional: You can stick some of those candied cherries onto the cookies using icing as glue.

Also optional: You can go to the Dollar Store and get some little tins. Put the cookies in the tins and give them as gifts.

Santa is Watching

I love my sister-in-law. This morning she was at the end of her tether with her almost 4-year-old, and she pulled out the infamous Santa line that parents have used for centuries: "Santa is watching, and noting who is being cooperative and who isn't." The response was, "No, he isn't" to which my sister-in-law responded, "Yes, Santa sees everything. He is watching you all the time." Then, the child became cooperative. The line works.
It is a shame we can't use the Santa line to other adults when they are being uncooperative or assholes or uncooperative assholes.

Seeking Shagging Opportunities (the holiday edition)

Finding shagging opportunities over the holidays can be difficult, particularly if you are not in your own home, but staying with relatives. Here are some possible ways to get some action over the holidays, and tips for making the experience as pleasant as possible.

1) Feign illness, and stay home when others go out. Have your shagging partner (or electronic device) ready to go.
2) Scope out all areas of the home. Are there places no one goes? Are there places that are relatively soundproof? Are there doors with locks? Would it be easy to install a small lock? Is the place large and comfortable enough not to cause strain or injury?
3) Make sure you are equipped with all the extras or accessories you need before dragging your shagging partner to, say, the boiler room. Be strategic.
4) Offer to babysit. Put the kids to bed very early, and tell them that Santa won't come if they get out of bed.
5) Go easy on the rich foods. Excessive eggnog, too many shortbread cookies, and even trace amounts of fruitcake, do not lend themselves to shagging of any kind.
6) Get some light outdoor exercise, like a short cross-country ski, or a bit of snow shovelling. This can limber you up nicely for some action.
7) Indulge in a massage or a facial.
8) Don't spend long periods of time in a mall. Very very bad for the libido.
9) Get a hotel room if necessary.
10) Stay hydrated.

Boring Aggie Update

This one will be in point form, because I'm feeling point-formish.

1) I have been off-line for a few days, and it was nice, but I did feel there was something missing in my life.
2) I'm not at odds with Christmas this year. Am participating in family functions, attempting baking projects, crafting and shopping. I even made a shopping plan for tomorrow, complete with maps and charts.
3) My bank card was "compromised", according to my bank, which meant an hour and a half at the counter getting it sorted out. The teller thought that the card was probably not really compromised, but that the bank thought it was because I had used it in various places across the country. Don't people travel this time of year? Am I supposed to inform my bank when I go somewhere?
4) No shagging happening here. Difficult to find shagging opportunities when you are on a futon or sofa in your family members' homes. I know you are thinking that a true shagger would seek opportunities in unexpected places. I'm trying to think outside the box here. Ha!
5) There is no fifth thing.

Seeking Christmas solutions

I had a conversation at a cocktail party the other day that went like this:

Me: How are you doing?

Him: Great. You know, it's great to be able just to relax and wind down this time of year.

Me: What? Most people are out of their minds this time of year. Relax and wind down? People are filling the psych wards.
Good for you, buddy!

Him: Thanks.

Maybe this guy was lying. Or, maybe he genuinely does wind down this time of year, and lets others create the whole beautiful bourgeois bubble of Christmas atmosphere around him.

I've spoken to a number of folks this year who are dreading Christmas, and here are some of their reasons why - pretty standard ones, I might add.

1) Not in a relationship - the dreaded Christmas alone.
2) Partner died and dealing with first Christmas without person.
3) In a dysfunctional relationship - a relationship that might squeak through New Year's, but just barely.
4) Invasion by obnoxious in-laws.
5) Hating one's own family.

I have a question to pose to my readers. Can you put forward some solutions for people dreading Christmas -- solutions that can shift the mindset that Christmas is only successful if we are holding hands with loved ones around a Christmas tree. Or, solutions that offer some creative alternatives to the whole fucking deal. Of course, crafting and drinking are the obvious solutions...

The yin and the ying

Things that are going well:
The pillows, the crafts. All good. I am a sewing maniac.

Things that are not going well:
My passport application. I know. I know. You thought I had dealt with that situation. I didn't even blog about this because I was too embarassed. But here goes: I lost my passport application TWICE. Then, I re-did the whole thing, and managed to find an old passport - not my last passport, an older one. The missing document that I need, however, is my Canadian Citizenship certificate -- which I have LOST! Today, I was told that this takes 6 months to process, but that if I send in the application, and actually buy a plane ticket, I may be able to travel before 6 months. Or, maybe not.

Accomplishment of the Day

Tiana's prize (from one of the many ESI contests) is finished, almost ready for display and delivery.

Christmas Angst

Today someone asked me if I had my shopping done. No, I don't. Other Ottawa bloggers seem to have their shit together. Jo Stockton has a complicated diagram system that enables her to efficiently get in a store, get the gift, and get out-- all with relative ease and precision. Andrea has all her shopping done, and got really cool stuff for people on Etsy. Zoom is busy collecting brilliant ideas on how to have a quick and easy minimalist Christmas. What have I done, you ask? Nothing. I have made a couple of pillows. I cannot possibly produce enough pillows to give everyone a pillow unless I start my own sweatshop.

Another Cushion

I just learned how to add a pom pom fringe to a cushion, and am liking it a lot. The pillow design is a variation on the traditional log cabin quilting style.

Fabric Karma

I really hate all the New Age shite about how you just have to think positive thoughts, and you can make yourself thin, rich, and happy. I loathe The Secret and everything it stands for. Friends have told me that I need to relax - there are some good little gems in there, and they are probably right. But, there might be some good little gems in Mein Kampf, too. Still, the overall message is a dangerous load of white over-privileged crap.
Anyway, that little preamble is just to say that if I did believe in The Secret, I would think that the box of high-quality fabric pieces that was just given to me was because I had been putting positive fabric messages out into the universe.

Things I'm Thinking This Week

1) I don't care what the difference is between a FUNwall and SUPERwall, and am wondering how people are accomplishing anything these days with the Facebook distraction. Wouldn't it be funny if Facebook addiction was the thing that brought capitalism down?

2) Enthusiasm can take you far, and can even sometimes disguise slightly shoddy work.

3) Powerpoint should offer the following warning if you have the 2007 version, and you are saving your presentation: "Are you sure you want to save it in 2007? Do you know that you could be fucked if you try to open it with 2003/4?

4) How many pillows can I make before Christmas? Should I just go on Etsy and buy there?

5) There is no fifth thing.

Counselling

A conversation I just had:

Person: So, I've just decided I have to go see a counsellor.
Me: That's great!!!
Person: Why is that?
Me: Because, you were MADE for counselling.

I'm not sure this was the appropriate thing to say (pretty sure, NOT!), but I do think this particular person is really made for counselling.

So, what kind of person do I think is good for counselling?

1) some level of intelligence
2) anxiety, but trying to hold it all together, and still "performing"
3) motivated to change shit
4) totally fucking aware
5) there is no fifth thing.

I'm sure everyone was made for counselling. But some people may be more life coachy, or just ok talking to their hair dresser, or ok just taking the pills, or better off hanging out in the bar. And then, there are some people who are just made for counselling.

Solid Advice from Manny Blue

The magnificent, Manny Blue, one of the Holograms in the paradigm-shifting band, Astronaut Love Triangle, has given me some solid advice about how to be more productive -- without the use of coffee beans. Here are her recommendations:

Getting some exercise before starting to work
Working in natural light. I've learned to get all my ideas down in the daytime while sitting in natural light (luckily I have a window at work)
Writing my outline and ideas down on paper by hand - adding diagrams, notes, etc. Later I use my handwritten notes to guide me and keep me on track as I type out the report, etc.
No coffee (tea's OK) and no junk food - it just makes my attention issues worse
Fresh fruit on hand - a variety is important to me
Water... lots of it
Rewards! I write 10 sentences and I get to... (insert whatever works for you)
Walking around and speaking my ideas out loud... quickly sitting down and writing them down or typing them (I don't do this one at work)
Headphones with music. It blocks out the world and I can tap my foot to the beat. If my foot is busy with the tune, I don't get as distracted. Maybe the part of my brain that gets distracted needs to be doing something (this one really works for me)
Writing whatever comes to me (no second guessing), then setting the work aside for an hour or so... then going back to it to edit
Printing my work and editing from print (an editor told me this trick - he never edits from electronic copies... always the print)

I follow some of these guidelines already, except for the staying healthy part -- paying attention to what I eat, exercise, etc... This is what I am working on now. Manny, thanks for the inspiration!

The Coffee Bean Situation (CBS) over here...

I've decided that I'm making up for Megan's coffee abstinence over here -- in a rather serious way. I keep saying to myself, "I will not keep doing this... I will not keep doing this..." behind clenched and jittery teeth. And yet, those beans have continued to keep me going, and going, and going. Today, though, I almost barfed, and I have come to realize that I need to slow down. Just slow down on the beans, as Zoom so wisely suggested.

Motivation

First of all, I want to thank you all for the motivation. You have all helped me, in your own special ways. Here are some motivational messages I received "off the blog":

"Congratulations! You are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."

"We can't solve problems by using the same the kind of thinking we used when we created them." (My friend informed me that this is Einstein breaking out of the confines of the old folk-expression -"You made your bed, now go lie in it").

"Then, I got this massive jumble of wonderful motivation-goodness from another friend:
IT'S NOT A VISION IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT ALREADY. reach for the stars. YOU CAN DO IT. don't let the bastards get you down. IF YOU BELIEVE IT, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. never retreat, never explain, never apologize - get the thing done and let them howl. IF I CAN'T DANCE, I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR REVOLUTION."

Nice, eh? I am doing ok. I'm currently in a Montreal public library that seems to be housing every single Montrealer with a mental health challenge. I've moderated the coffee-bean intake. Moving forward.

Update on Writing Hell

1) I've eaten an entire bag of ginger snaps. Sweet, little heart-shaped, spelt gingersnaps that I purchased at Boushey's on Elgin Street for a small fortune. Highly recommended.

2) I am making some progress, although I am still unsure if completion of the project is possible. My writing coach suggested that this may be a good opportunity throw my debilitating perfectionism to the wind once and for all.

3) I am doing the chocolate-covered coffee bean thing -- which actually is not too bad as an ADD medication.

4) I am demanding encouragement from everyone. That includes you. Please send me your best motivational messages.

5) There is no fifth thing.

Profiles + X365

I have taken a lot of heat because I haven't written those damn ESI profiles. Then, I saw this project, and I am considering doing it. The profiles could just be part of this X365 project. Sigh.
I'm currently in a very large library, suffering with a writing project. Why do I hate writing so much? I am trying to own this part of the process-- the actually getting it done part. I'm so much better at the brainstorming, idea stage...
I'll just take a little break here, and see what's for sale on Etsy - and check out Andrea's recommendations. Can someone please give me a virtual kick in the arse here. Help!

Heaven's to Etsy!

Now that I am a craft person, I have to come to realize that it's all about Etsy. If you thought the Ottawa Christmas Craft Sale was a zoo, check out all the crap on the Etsy. Yes, I am into the whole alternative marketplace thing, but....Holy Shit! Is it just a way for people to fund their craft obsessions? Clearly, I need some Etsy-savvy person to explain all of this me. Help! Please give me some analysis.

Spiritual Healers

I went to a spiritual healer today and have decided that spiritual healers are annoying. They giggle an awful lot, which drives me bananas. I guess when you have figured everything out, the world just seems hilarious, as if you had just dropped a nice, clean hit of acid. Look at the Dalai Lama. He's a chronic giggler. They talk too much, and people sit around hanging off every single fucking word, even if they are talking bullshit. Does being enlightened have to make you annoying? The spiritual healer left me feeling:
1) like I could have been using my time more productively (doing the shit I am avoiding, for example). Yes, I know this attitude signals my desperate need for healing!
2) exhausted and drained. Yes, I know that probably means that some kind of healing is happening. She healed me by tiring the shit out of me.
3) annoyed with myself for even thinking that spiritual healing is what I need. Yes, I know that probably means I am resisting the whole healing process.

Another conversation with overly-friendly man

Remember, a few posts back when I wrote about the man who tried to rescue me by inviting me to his place? This week, he approached me and complimented me on my pink sweater. He said, "I really love the colour of your sweater. It reminds of when I used to play Risk. The colour of some of the pieces were the colour of your sweater." My response was, "Thanks. It kind of reminds me of Pepto-Bismol." His response to that was, "I have never had the pleasure of using that product." Then, we laughed, and I thought the Risk-line was just nerdy enough to actually sort of work on me. HA!

This Morning

A few issues this morning.

1) trouble getting out of bed because I was hearing the sounds of people scraping snow and ice off their cars, and that didn't motivate me to get up for some reason. I am also avoiding the stuff I have to do today....
2) no coffee in the house. I am drinking green tea, and it is just making me angry. I need to venture out into the snowstorm and caffeinate myself properly.
3) I am writing something, and the ending is not coming together. Why are endings so hard? That is not a real question. Here are some possible ways I could end it. 1) happy ending (they all lived happily ever after); 2) sad ending (someone dies or is seriously maimed); 3) Film noir ending (someone disappears and no one know what really happened); 4) surprise ending (totally fuck with the reader, and turn everything upside down). I know there are other kinds of endings, but these are the ones I am currently stuck on -- "stuck" being the operative word here.
4) I had a bizarre dream this morning that a close friend of mine had a blog called "Oatmeal Matters", in which she created very intricate and complex comic strips on rice paper, about a couple who bickered all the time, but in a very sophisticated kind of way. When I got up I decided to google "Oatmeal Matters", and no on has a blog by this name. In the dream, she had no readers, so I was going to generously link her to my blog, so that she would have about 15 readers a day.

Velvet and silk brooch with evil eye

I like this one. I wore it today and felt like I won first prize.

Things that are going on the back-burner for a couple of weeks...

I have decided to put some things on the back-burner -- until the end of November.

1) The ESI profiles. I am hopeful that when Megan does her work with the ESI team, this issue will be resolved. But until that time, the profiles are not happening.

2) Tiana's prize. I am working on various models, and this prize will be ready at the beginning of December in time for her to put it on her tree. I just bought a bag of evil eyes, and am sewing them on everything now. So, expect a Christmas ornament with an evil eye!

3) Christmas presents, and other Christmas-related crap. I am not even thinking about it now.

4) What I am doing from January - June 2008. This has not yet been determined, but I am not going to even think about it for two weeks.

5) There is no fifth thing.

What is on the front-burner then, you ask? I am back in writing hell. So, you can expect some whiney and pathetic postings in the next couple of weeks. At the moment, though, I am enjoying being curled up inside in front of my computer, while looking out the window at the freshly fallen slush. So far, I am not complaining.

Silk brooch with 2 beads and an evil eye

Conversation with a Man I do not know* who happens to be in the "helping profession"

Man: "Aggie, you mentioned last week you are homeless, and temporarily living in Ottawa and Montreal. That must be so difficult, and clearly, you must be going through something to have this kind of unstable living arrangement. I just thought you might like to come over to my place, and hang out for a bit and feel ok.
Aggie: "I'm doing fine, actually. I didn't intend to communicate that I was unstable."
Man: "Oh well, that's great. Maybe you would like to come over to my place anyway then."
Aggie: "Your place? No thanks."

Why would this fellow not simply invite me out for a beer? What is this "come over to my place" stuff? What planet is he from? Was he simply doing the 1/10 thing?** Are there new conventions out there that I have missed?

Note to self: don't mention homelessness to strangers (or insurance people)

*I know this man through a course I am taking, but I am not even sure what his name is.
**Do I need to explain the 1/10 thing?

Santopol Roulant

We need a Santropol Roulant in Ottawa. This is a groundbreaking meals-on-wheels program. They manage to have a steady flow of young, enthusiastic volunteers to make, package and deliver about 100 meals to seniors every day. They do all kinds of other things, too: hold intergenerational events, educate people about how to make a rooftop garden, organize bike workshops, etc.
Could this work in Ottawa? I can envision something like this in Mechanicsville...

Leaf-shaped pillow with monogram

Another pillow

I just finished this one. I think I like it the best so far. I experimented with a bit of pink embroidery thread with this one, which was fun.
Soon, I will have pillows coming out of my ying yang. As I mentioned before, it seems that this is what everyone will be getting for Christmas for this year.

ESI Profile Angst

About a week ago, I promised the ESIs that I would write a profile for each one of them. I already wrote the Chair's profile a long time ago, something that has caused a big brouhaha. They all ask-- Why the Chair and not me?
Now, faced with the task of writing a profile for 4th Dwarf, Coyote, Conch Shell and the Independent Observer, I am experiencing a bad case of writer's block. Here is what it looks like in my head:

Me: Ok, Aggie. Time to start the profiles.
Me: Ok, which one first?
Me: Conch Shell? No, the IO. No, Coyote....No, Dwarfie.
Me: But, what are you going to say anyway?
Me: I don't have a fucking clue!
Me: But these are your friends. Surely, you have something interesting to say about your friends.
Me: But I want them to be interesting and to capture something unique about each ESI. You did it for the Chair.
Me: Yeah, and look where that got me!
Me: Just start writing.
Me: I don't want to! Stop telling me what to do!

Why are we still wearing panty hose?

I do not wear panty hose -- except on my head when I'm dressed as a Buddhist monk for Halloween -- but found myself in a situation this Saturday evening when I had to purchase a pair of the fucking things. So, I went to Fancy Sox in the Rideau Centre, where I made the mistake of splurging in a higher end pair of sheer stockings because I assumed they would be less like to run on the first wear! I also assumed that, surely to God, they have come up with some models that are a bit sturdier now.
I VERY CAREFULLY put the fucking things on, and I looked down to find a very large run making its way down my leg. 'Maybe your toenails are too long or are jagged,' my helpful companion suggested. This was not the case, and even if they were, they should not bust this easily.
At the soiree that I attended, I sat next to a woman and complained about my pantyhose breakdown. She said, 'If you wash them with shampoo before you wear them, the fibres stand up longer.' Are women out there really doing this?
I am wondering why people are still wearing these things that are designed to instantly self-destruct.

Tetes a Claques

If you haven't checked out any of the Tetes a Claques, you should. They are all the rage in francophone Canada now. I laughed my ass off when I watched this one of the couple at the border crossing: http://www.tetesaclaques.tv/video.php?vid=232. Enjoy! Sorry, I am unable to create a link at the moment...

Cat Pillow

Does your cat like to sleep on your bed? Do you like your cat sleeping on your bed? Do you dislike when your cat walks on your face in the night, or sticks his or her ass in your face? This pillow may be the answer. It's made of soft polar fleece with a goldfish motif and lightly stuffed. It is made to be located at the foot of your bed, where you hope your cat will stay.

Laptops in Cafes

If I were running a cafe, I would supply slightly larger tables, and insist that the laptop folks double up. They don't need to be sitting there in a line of solitude. Think of the beautiful relationships that could develop if people were asked to double up! Picture this: their eyes met over their laptops.

Another Time-Share Pillow

Here is another pillow. It is not completely stuffed. I ran out of stuffing. I used the rest of that fox fabric, and I decided the foxes needed to be under a silk silver moon.

New Cushion

This is what everyone is getting for Christmas this year.

Questions for Craft People

Back to the crafts for a moment, here. I have some questions I would like throw out to the craft community:

1) Where can you buy fabric in Ottawa? What happened to the Fabricsville beside the Rideau Centre? Please don't tell me I need to drive out to Orleans.

2) Can you recommend a good beginner sewing book that is readable, has nice simple projects in it, and includes basic quiltmaking? I'm looking for something that is solid, but not too finicky.

3) Which craft blogs should I be linking to -- local blogs and otherwise?

Found Love Note

I found this note today left on a restaurant table before it was cleared. I am intrigued. Any ideas on what this is about?

"You look beautiful all the time, but more when your heart is blooming.... - Sorry for the chill."

Finishing the meme

Let's bring some closure to this, shall we? More random things about me.

6) I am totally with the environmental movement, but have trouble recycling, being green, not wasting stuff, not loving big cars.

7) I thought I hated cats until I got my cat, then, I realized I love cats more than dogs.

8) I can't remember the years I was married, or even the year I got married. I have completely blanked out all of it.

9) I once -- all in the same evening -- dropped acid, got stoned, drank, then fell into the arms of a pizza delivery man. This happened a while back, folks. Actually, around the same time as the West Block shagging incident.

10) Oh my goodness, I just realized that I've exceeded the 7-things limit here!!!

Tuesday

I apologize to those I freaked out/grossed out with yesterday's Meme posting. Yes, that particular Progressive Conservative had cooties, and I was damn lucky I escaped that desk experience unscathed. Although, I repeat, I was not boffing the actual Member. Maybe, the person who tagged me will think twice next time there is a Meme going around.

Today I thought I would just let you in on my blogging goals for the week:

1) finish the fucking Meme (6 and 7)
2) write profiles about the remaining ESIs (Conch Shell, Coyote, the Independent Observer and 4th Dwarf)
3) display more crafts
4) set some fitness goals (like Zoom)
5) there is no fifth thing.

2 More for 7-thing Meme

I am doing this meme thing GRADUALLY. Here are 2 more random, little known things about moi:

4) I "made love" on the desk of a Progressive Conservative Member of Parliament (not with the Member).
5) I got fired by the Member whose desk I fornicated on when my true politics were discovered.

fox

7 Things Meme (3 things for today)

Weeks ago, Urban Pedestrian tagged me for this 7 random things Meme. I will take a crack at this now. But, I'm only going to do three today, because I'm on a borrowed computer here.

1) My first boyfriend became a born-again Christian, and when he announced to me that he had "found Jesus", I dumped his ass.
2) I am afraid of bunnies, and some marsupials. Kangaroos are a terror. It's their back, springy legs, and the floppy ears. Fuck.
3) I lost a wedding ring (mine) in a toilet.

Halloween Angst

What to be for Halloween? I wandered into a sex store today to look for a Halloween costume, but they were too expensive. Here were some things I could have been:

1) Dr. Lay
2) Nurse Suck
3) A French Maid
4) A School Girl
5) Officer Spank

There were more, but I couldn't get beyond the pricetags.

Then, I went to the fabric store. There was some nice pink fabric. I thought I could go as a shrimp. Not sexy, I know, but ....

I'm at a loss here!! HELP!!!!

Panier

The quality of this photo is not great, but here is my latest piece of sewing. It was given as a birthday to a happy recipient who named it "panier". I am liking the tweed on silk combo.

One problem (or challenge, rather) is that I have no patience for FINISHING things properly. This little piece is thumbtacked roughly onto a small canvas. It looks like crap if you turn it around. One of my goals is to learn how to finish things cleanly. Again, this goes back to OWNING what is an unpleasant and tedious part of the process for me.

New tablecloth

Another new fabric acquisition is this tablecloth I bought for $4 at a garage sale. It is in perfect condition.
I don't know the vintage of the tablecloth, but it brings me back to the late 70s, early 80s. It's a 'happy housewife' cloth. A let's-make-the-house-cheery cloth. It evokes the days of the jellied salad, of valium, of martinis. The good old days.

Craft update

Here is something I did yesterday with some of the silk fabric found in the garbage and bits of tweed I got at the garage sale. It's mounted on a canvas.

Quick Aggie Update

My bike was stolen. It's my own fault. Anyway, without boring you with those details, the good news is, my downstairs Montreal neighbour had a garage sale today. She sold me 1) a $25 bike that works, and 2) gorgeous flannel material for a mu'umu'u.

Minutes for the ESI Emergency Meeting will be posted later. Limited battery power here....

Back to the Mu'umu'us for a moment

Coyote and I had some kind of bizarre psychic incident on Wednesday evening in which we were BOTH thinking about Mu'umu'us! What are the chances of that? I sketched a picture of a mu'umu'u in my notebook as a project I wanted to do immediately. I want to design and sew my own mu'umu'u in a bright flannel fabric. While drinking coffee with Coyote yesterday, we thought there might be some misconceptions about mu'umu'us, so we decided to come up with the beginnings of a Q & A. If we want to make billions, we need to be prepared to answer these questions. Please let us know if you have other questions.

What distinguishes a mu'umu'u from your basic flannel nightie? --The sleeves will be much floatier. The colours will be brighter. This is the piece of clothing you will want to slip into the moment you step into your home. This is not a garment you should sleep in, although you may want to.

Can I exercise in my mu'umu'u? ---You can walk around in it. Walking is exercise.

What do these things do for my butt? ---What butt? The beauty of this piece is that you don't even think about your butt. And if you are really obsessed with your own butt, get yourself a butt bra ($10 at Walmart, apparently).

Can I wear my mu'umu'u out of the house?-- Absolutely! This is a statement piece. And, a great conversation starter.

But, are they sexy? --Yes, they are. Mu'umu'us don't impede blood flow. This means you will be smarter. Smart is sexy.

Some Blog Housekeeping

I have added some new "favourites" to my bloglist, and have moved a few to a section called "Inactive Blogs I like". I like to think that all these folks are going through an intense incubation period. Let's talk about these people for a moment:
1) Bob. As you all know, I have had a massive crush on Bob. In fact, I would love to be part of his drunken dinner club crowd, but, alas, have never been invited. I hope Bob starts blogging again soon. I want to know how his renos are going.
2) Harmony. Harmony is busy, and I believe her. But, all the more reason to blog, I say. A space to reflect, no?
3) Mysterious East. They had a strong start. A powerhouse group blog, but they didn't seem to have the stamina that the ESI team has...Or, should I say that the ESI team HAD at one point.
4) Pandora. Pandora is also busy. And, she is so creative. I suspect her creativity is being directed elsewhere at the moment. I am hoping she will resurface.
5) The 5th Muse. I am hoping she will come back some day.

To my favourites, I have added the sassy Urban Pedestrian who has added lots of energy and wit to the blogsphere of late. I have also added Jo Stockton, who I just discovered is a QUILTER. I cannot even describe how much this delighted me. I know there are more to add, but this is all I could manage this evening.

"Owning" things

A good friend of mine helped me work through the writing hell situation of yesterday. She said, "Listen, Aggie. You need to own this part of the writing process, even though it's not as much fun as other parts of the process." She laughed at her use of the word "own" here -- because she's not a person who would normally say this kind of thing. I meditated on it, and I think she is dead on. So, today, I'm in the library owning the fucking thing. Unfortunately, there seems to be some kind of power outage here in the library, which may mean that I may have to own it elsewhere. So, a message to all of you struggling with writing, or any other crap you are going through: own it!

And, totally unrelated, (but probably related somehow in the grand scheme of things), here is a sweet image I witnessed today: a beautiful grey/silver cat sitting under a tree watching yellow leaves parachute down.

In Writing Hell

I am in the process of writing something - somewhat dull, but not totally - and am currently in writing hell. I have the outline. I know what I need to do to finish the stupid thing. I just need to do it. I have done everything to stimulate writing, including going here.
My existential crises, neuroticism, self doubts --- all of it is OUT in full bloom! I have promised myself that I will acquire a sewing machine if I can just get through this. Even that isn't helping matters.

Craft People are Nuts

Many craft people are absolutely fucking nuts. If they didn't have their crafts, they might be in institutions, which, I guess is where many craft people used to end up: in the basket weaving ward. I met an avid knitter yesterday, and realized that she was absolutely insane. She had about 6 knitting projects on the go. She had just spent $500 on Baby Alpaca yarn, which she insisted on sticking right in my face so that I could feel it. She couldn't stop talking about knitting. She started pulling out all of her knitting patterns to convince me to pick one. When I told her I was more interested in sewing at the moment, she led me to her $3000 Pfaff Sewing machine, which is currently collecting dust because of, well, all the knitting.
Some craft people go really really nuts and open up businesses to feed their particular crafty obsession. I met a woman like this who runs this spectacular button store. If you are looking for buttons, this is the place to go. She is nuts. A neighbourhood little girl came in when I was in the store to chat with the woman. After the kid left, the button lady said about the girl, 'I guess she is in love with me because I own a button store, and that must be pretty cool.' Yes, or maybe because you are nuts!

The Problem with Craft Magazines

I am a magazine consumer. Yesterday, I was pulled into Mags and Fags on Elgin Street, and immediately went to the craft magazine section. Now that I'm a craft blogger/person, I need to start reading this stuff. I was appalled at what I saw. Craft magazines are total shit -- unless perhaps I've missed one that is good. This is what I had to sort through:
1) the scrapbooking magazines. There are tons of these. I still don't understand what scrapbooking is, and why anyone would want to do it. Could someone please explain this to me.
2) the knitting magazines. Lovely, but, too hard. Winter would be over before you'd finish these things.
3) the quilting magazines. These were a HUGE disappointment to me! No, I don't want to quilt the American flag, thank you very much. And no, I don't want to quilt care bears, either.
Help! I'm looking for something fun, edgy, crafty with a bit of social commentary. Does such a craft magazine exist?

Yoga

I went to yoga today for the first time in about a year. I will not likely be able to move tomorrow. I bought a 5-class pass with the hope of getting back into it. I can't be bent over a sewing machine all the time. That is just not healthy.
What I enjoyed most about the class were the adjustments. I love adjustments! You know, when they come over and shove your hip in one direction and your shoulder in the other direction. Nice. I thanked my teacher (an adorable little poptart of a yogi) for every single one of his adjustments -- and there were a lot.
What I find amusing about yoga is the bizarre humour that is only funny to a few yoga freaks. At the beginning of the class, the teacher said something funny, and everyone laughed except me. The punchline was Vinyasa. I had forgotten what fucking Vinyasa was because I hadn't been to yoga for a while.
I followed up the yoga with a full Korean meal, and have had my head on my desk for most of the afternoon.

Angst

Some of my blogging friends have confessed that they are "having trouble with my shift into craft blogging." One friend even said to me just yesterday: "Bring the angst back. That's what we all love." I want to reassure you all that the angst is still here.
Here are some of the things causing me angst right now:

1) I don't have a sewing machine. I have been to stores, gone online, read consumer reports. Some say the Sears Kenmore (forget the number) is the best cheapest one you can get. Some say go to Walmart and pick up a Brothers for $100. Others say, whatever you do, go digital. Still other say, make sure it has a one-step button holer.

2) My travel plans for the winter are still fuzzy. I want to go somewhere warm, or at least warmer. Tickets need to be purchased.
Plans need to be made. I cannot seem to move ideas to reality at the moment.

3) Urban Pedestrian has asked me come up with 7 random things about myself, and it seems too hard to do. I am considering digging into my own archives and pulling them out there. That seems like a cop out, though.

4) I am jealous of so many other bloggers - especially CRAFT bloggers, people who can come up with a fun project from a set of burnt out lightbulbs. Or, ones who are just plain BRILLIANT. I am trying not to let my jealousy get the best of me. I'm working on this with the Buddhists.

5) There is no fifth thing at the moment.

Square

Here is a square I made using one of the silk pieces (I found in the garbage) as the ''cabin" in the centre. It is actually hanging the wrong way. Turn your head sideways to the right and it will be perfect.

Another use for binder clips: displaying finished quilt pieces.

A more traditional way of doing this would be to put darker fabrics on one side of the piece, to represent the shadier side of the house. I am currently experimenting with this.

Sewing machine update: the old one has been returned to the store, and I am ready to buy.

Score!

Ladies and gentlemen, I found this amazing thing in the garbage: fabric swatches, and enough fabric in three gorgeous colours to make a set of cushions. I looked at the label, and this stuff is 100% silk and from a very expensive fabric store in Westmount. The swatches are PERFECT for log cabin quilting. My plan now is to make a log cabin quilt using the swatches as the 'cabin'. I will show you an example of what this will look like in a future posting. Then, I will make a set of cushions to go with the log cabin quilt from the larger pieces of fabric. And, as if this find weren't enough, they are all neatly on a hanger for easy storage! Score!!

Craft mentors

I decided if I am going to make this transition into craft world, I need a guide. So far, I have a superb craft mentor named Serah Marie, a talented and energetic young woman, who is both textile artist and editor of Worn. She is a brilliant and inspirational teacher. She is good at teaching the technical aspects of sewing. But, like every good art teacher, she has her eye on the higher vision of artistic expression. During my log cabin quilting course, she described - with tears in her eyes - her own journey into textile art which began after a visit to the Whitney Museum in New York where she saw the Gees Bend Quilters. Serah Marie is a true artist. She does not believe in measuring - or only where it matters. That works well for me. She also encourages her students to be instinctive when grabbing fabrics for a quilt. ''Don't worry about matching", she says. "Sometimes surprising and interesting things come out of putting together things that don't look like they match.''

I hate my sewing machine

If I am going to be a legitimate crafty person, I need to have the right equipment. My $50 Salvation Army sewing maching is not cutting it. The machine is eating my fabric, and the thread tension dial is all fucked up. My new seam ripper, however, has been fabulous. My project? Reversible placemates with trim. Photos may appear later.

Finished Bag

This is how the finished bag looks, full of books and other stuff. This weekend, check in here for log cabin quilting and possibly embroidery.

being crafty

Now that this is a CRAFT blog, I will have to start linking to craft sites and taking stunning photographing of my projects at all stages. I am currently exploring other craft blogs out there which I will be linking to soon.
What I love about craft people are that they are so darn clever. If they appear a bit smug, they deserve to be! They can make a table runner out of a pair of dollar store sports socks. This is the kind of shit I want to do here, people! I want to be thrifty, clever, innovative, organized-- everything you have ever dreamed of in a craftsperson.

Occupational Therapy

Occupational Therapy refers to the use of meaningful occupation to assist people who have difficulty in achieving healthy and balanced lives; and to enable an inclusive society so that all people can participate to their potential in daily occupations of life. (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

I made a tote bag! This is the tote bag in progress. This is now officially a CRAFT BLOG, people. That's right. I am a craft person now.

Recovery Plan

If I were a more open and courageous blogger, I would disclose why I need a recovery plan, my past recovery plans, my history of needing recovery plans, etc. I prefer to let my readers speculate. So, go ahead and speculate.

While you are speculating, here is my recovery plan:
1) minimize alcohol consumption for a couple of weeks.
2) bike up hills daily.
3) sit in the sun as much as possible.
4) drink a lot of water.
5) take a short nap every day.
6) take iron.
7) work in 30-minute chunks, then take breaks.
8) use the sewing machine, but don't expect to be Mintyfresh in one day.
9) make bed.
10) lie in it.

Re-reading this posting made me want quit blogging, or to write a different kind of blog entirely: a political commentary blog, a mommy blog for cat mommies, a blog for nutcases.

More recovery

I got carried away with the wine-drinking last night, which has resulted in me --
1) having to take a pill and a 2-hour nap today, 2) having to apologize to someone who was trying to talk to me about something serious, which I drunkenly diverted, making it look like I didn't give a shit, and worse, like I was attacking what she was putting forward. And if that wasn't bad enough, when I tried to recover and bring it back to her, I ended up making it all about me!
Needless to say, I am not very pleased with myself today, so am laying low. I am enjoying listening to a group I am just discovering - COCOROSIE. I am reading the latest New Yorker, which is not so great. I am making spagetti. I am feeling the cold, darkness and gravity of fall. Summer's over.

Recovering from

1) my class yesterday in which a New Agey woman was invited as a guest speaker, and, as an exercise, forced us to stare into to the eyes of a partner (another student, a stranger), for 3 minutes while she played a sappy song about love. You are wondering what I am studying? So am I!
2) an ESI Emergency Meeting in which difficult, and groundbreaking stuff was discussed. See minutes posted on ESI blog soon.
3) a late night Facebook "conversation" that reminded me why Facebook is......bad.
4) a cat jumping on my head and sucking my hair in the middle of the night.
5) there is no fifth thing.

Meditation Accessories

The fun part of getting involved with a new religion is the shopping opportunities. There are so many delightful meditation accessories. For example, I have decided I need a magenta zafu, like the one above. I also need a meditation shawl, of course, in a colour that matches the zafu. A mala, one of those funky beaded bracelets would be nice to have, too. I also want a singing bowl because they are just too cool.

Sand-free Zen Gardens

Sand is messy. Sand belongs in litter boxes. A gust of wind can blow sand all over your desk. It can end up in your sandwich. Very unpleasant.

Industrial Walk Along the Lachine Canal, Montreal

Purchased: One Singer Sewing Machine - $50

Yesterday, I went furniture shopping. Even though, I am homeless, I decided that it would be nice to have my own desk, since I am trying to study and be a student. So, I walked into a second-hand place on the Plateau Montreal and immediately saw my machine. My companion pointed out that I had come to find a desk, not a sewing maching, but then I showed him how the machine could be folded down, and easily turned into a desk. In other words, it is two for the price of one!

Now, I am looking for an EASY on-line crazy quilt course. I found this one, but it looks a bit complicated with all the fussy hand stitching. I prefer a quick and dirty approach.

Why are Academics so Damn Wanky?

First of all, apologies to all of you who find the shift from meditation to rant too jarring....
As many of you know, I have gone back to school part-time. Why you ask? To learn. To be a smarter person. I am hoping that my studies don't lead me to become a complete wanker - or more of a wanker than I already am. Today I was particularly struck by how irritating academics are, and what total fucking wankers they are when they write.

For example, in postmod circles now, it is considered good form to situate oneself in the text. Why do I find this so annoying? After all, I blog. Blogging is a very postmodern activity. I situate myself in the centre of a written piece all the time. So, why should this be a problem for me? Here is an example of what I hate. Please help me understand why it annoys me so ... much!

"I identify myself as a White male university professor living and working in the relative ease and comfort of a G8 country. As an anarchist raised in a working-class family I have encountered a certain amount of disrespect and rejection by my intellectual 'superiors', but I know that my own socialization and the racist and patrarchal norms that permeate the academic world make it relatively easy for me to stay in the game. The same goes for my sexuality. Although I find that my desire exceeds the boundaries of mainstream hetersexual practices, I have a long-term female partner and two children -- so again, I mostly pass. All this to say: my struggles with oppression arise mostly from the need to challenge my own racim, heterosexism and classism, and to find more effective ways to be in solidarity with those who experience the debilitating effects of these apparatuses of division every day and night throughout their lives."


Interesting how academics LOVE to exploit the working-class family thing. And, an "anarchist raised in a working-class family" to boot.

This guy is so straight. "My desire exceeds the boundaries of mainstream hetersexual practices." Face it buddy, you're a wanker! Since you are situating yourself here, why not just say the following: "I am a really straight guy who wanks off a lot."

And, the last bit. Holy self-referential wanking! His struggles with oppression arise out of.... his own struggles?

Am I being too hard on this guy? I think I need to get back to the Buddhists.

Word of the Day: Tonglen

It's a Tibetan word, and I learned it last evening in my meditation group. Here is the Wikipedia definition.

Now, I will share the exercise I learned to cultivate tonglen. This practise, I learned, has all kind of good benefits, like keeping you physically and mentally healthy. Apparently, thinking about yourself too much makes you sick. Think about that one, bloggers!

O.K. Get into the meditation position. Sit up straight. Relax. Breathe through your nose. Now, think about someone you know who is suffering. Imagine her suffering face. Think about her suffering until you feel touched. That is compassion you are feeling, by the way. Then, imagine thick, black smoke coming out of that suffering person. That's all her suffering coming out. Suck in that black smoke through your heart chakra, then breath it out again. Visualize white light coming out with your breath. Then, visualize what that suffering person looks like with her suffering removed. Rinse and repeat.

Three (no Four!) Great Places in Montreal

I have a few guidelines I try to adhere to loosely when exploring a city. They are as follows:
1)don't spend a lot unless it is something you need.
2)wear sensible footwear.
3)try to walk as much as you can -- this way you really get to know the lay of the land.
4)stop often on benches or in cafes to take in the atmosphere. Arm yourself with a notebook or light reading material. Don't carry too much stuff, though.
5)collect cards at places you like, so that you will remember where they are.
6)be bold, and ask locals about good places to go. Don't talk to strangers who look like they might be ax-murderers, or sellers of some sort.

I followed my guidelines yeseterday, and discovered THREE (no FOUR!)great places in Montreal, that could fill up to 5 hours, depending how long you like to linger in places.

Place #1: Start at the Nocochi Cafe Patisserie on Mackay St. It's a beautiful cafe -- minimalist, long white couches with little square colourful cushions, and tiny little pastries lined up like ammunition on the glass counter. The regular coffee here is delicious.

Place #2: Musee des Beaux Arts . This seems like an obvious one, right? It is just around the corner from the Nochochi on Sherbrooke. You don't, I repeat, don't have to visit the place from top to bottom. I recommend using the very clean, spacious washrooms. Then, go to look at the free stuff in the permanent collection. Check out Riopelle's work in the Contemporary Art Section. Don't overdo it. Now, go sit on a bench.

Place #3: After the Musee des Beaux Arts, you need to walk down Sherbrooke, past McGill and all that, then turn left on Avenue Parc. Walk just a little bit, and you will find the paper, notebook store of your dreams: Nota Bene. I cannot even describe how I felt when I walked into this place. The store is jammed wih the entire Moleskin collection, and other stunning notebooks of all shapes and sizes; German-engineered pens and other gorgeous implements; and the folders! Tears welled up when I entered this store, and the store owner assured me, 'It's O.K. You are in your safe space here.' In addition to being a store, it's an art gallery. The owner offers space upstairs for FREE to local artists.

Place #4: : More walking, lots of walking now to St. Laurent. Keep walking. You are hungry now. You smell chicken. You follow the smell. You are in Coco Rico now, a Portugese rotisserie at 3907 Saint-Laurent Boulevard. You buy an entire chicken.

Fall Colours

I am trying out some new fall colours here on the blog.

Crazy quilts and Crosspatch

Wanted: one used sewing machine that works. Nothing fancy.

One of my goals during my year of non-work is to make a crazy quilt. What inspired me to do this was a visit to the Beaverbrook Gallery in Fredericton where I saw on exhibit that included stunning quilts made by artist, Jennifer Beckley. One quilt that particularly stood out for me was a pink nightie with the arms cut out, surrounded by grey men's dress pants, including pockets and buttons. None of her works are perfectly square or centred, so this gives me the illusion that it is something I can do, and that whatever I decide to stitch together is fine.

Word of the day: Crosspatch. I bet you thought it had something to do with quilting, eh?

Friday morning bed blog

I am not out of bed yet, and it seems to be one of those days you wake up and ask yourself, "Am I sick, or do I just need a shower and a cup of coffee? I have woken up queasy, and no I'm not pregnant.
An update of the week in no particular order:
1) I am a student again, and although I am the oldest in my classes (over 30, as Urban has pointed out) I have made friends. I have made a concerted effort to learn names, and have found that the business people are right about this one -- people do like the sound of their own names.
2) I found the 16-month pocket-size weekly moleskin planner I was looking for at the Pinecrest Chapters. A nice collection there. Now, I feel ready to move forward. Amazing how much hope a mere planner can give you.
3) I have decided to learn and blog a new word every day. I want to start expanding my vocabulary and stop saying fuck. It's not nice. My word of today is cabal, which I think is a really good word, and one that would work nicely in a sentence with Elgin Street Irregulars. I would link you to a full definition of cabal, but the link button doesn't seem to be working this morning.

Meditation

I have just started a meditation course which is offered for FREE by the friendly Buddhists in one of the neighbourhoods I currently live. It occurred to me that Buddhism is in fact a religion, as I watched the lead meditation dude genuflect three times in front of a huge, gold motherf-ing statue of Buddha. I thought to myself - Self, you need another religion like you need a hole in your head. Then, I convinced myself that I could just take advantage of the practice and all its relaxing benefits. And, it's free.
Meditation lesson number one: Focus on the breath. Feel the sensation of air in your nostrils. Focus on your breath, but don't try to control your breath, because you don't need to unless you are on a respirator. Inhale. Imagine white light coming into you. That's Buddha! It's all good, positive energy and vibes and all that. Exhale. Imagine black smoke and bile coming out. Yuck. That's all the bad stuff on its way out.

Weddings

I have never been a fan of weddings because most of them are tacky, sappy, gag-me-with-a-spoon affairs that leave me cynical and depressed. I attended one on the weekend that contained many of these elements. The bride wore a huge cream puff of a dress, and the groom was dressed like Lancelot. A low point for me was when I noticed that my place setting name card was in fact the business card of the bride. I am wondering if this is the latest thing in the wedding industry. Getting married? What a great opportunity to network! Fuck.
However, there were two great things about this wedding that I will acknowledge. The first was the reunion of a cover band that hadn't played together for more than a decade, featuring the groom on bass, still in Knight's costume. They did some memorable tunes like Funkytown and Respect that had all generations out of their seats and shaking their booties like crazy. The other great thing was that a second meal was served at the end of the night -- pulled pork, cole slaw and baked potatoes - to provide a good stomach buffer for all the drinking. I thought that was a lovely touch.

What are you supposed to do?

I have come to realize that there are a lot of everyday situations that I do not know how to handle. One is this one: what are you supposed to do when you see a deer grazing peacefully on the side of the road?
a) honk like crazy to scare the deer back into the woods.
b) pull over and chase the deer back into the woods.
c) drive by and do nothing.
d) call the cops.
e) none of the above.

End-of-week reflections

I am currently: not working, living in two cities, taking two courses, thinking about travelling from January to March.
Today I am: reuniting with my cat, buying books for my classes, raising a glass to Pavarotti, having lunch with a friend who calls himself a "rock artist" -- rock as in stone, not rock 'n roll.
Things I am struggling with: finding the perfect weekly planner. (Not having one is creating chaos in my life). I wanted the 18-month weekly pocket-size moleskin, but they are sold out everywhere. Starting an exercise program that I can reasonably follow.
Things I am doing this weekend: spending quality time with my cat, attending someone's second wedding -- and although it is a second wedding, there will be all the crap and ceremony associated with a first wedding, including the white fluffy dress. Sleeping.
Questions I am contemplating: When someone makes a point of telling you "I am happy," why is this suspect?

Trying to be Healthy and Organized

They say that September is a time to get healthy and get organized. Bob is quitting smoking. David Scrimshaw has posted student lifehacks. I am sure that the elusive 5th Muse is out there somewhere getting healthy, too. Everyone is doing it. Here are some things I am currently doing to get healthy:
1) I am drinking a touch less wine.
2) I am preparing meals that are colourful and delicious.
3) I am minimizing the smoke I take into my lungs.
4) I have started walking an hour a day.
5) I have started thinking about my future exercise routine which has not yet been established.
6) I am reading books about health, such as the bestseller by Elizabeth Gilbert called Eat, Pray, Love. (I thoroughly enjoyed the book up to the part when she left Italy and stopped writing about food).
7) I am joining a meditation group, because it is supposed to be good for your mind.
8) I am sleeping, because they say that is a healthy thing to do, too.
9) I am taking supplements, so I won't be deficient.
10) I am thinking about how to get organized, because they say that external clutter leads to internal chaos.

Lessons learned recently

1) When giving a hairdresser freedom to do anything with your hair, it's good to point out that you aren't open to having a mullet (is this how you spell it?)
2) Staying at your parents' place for more than 3 consecutive days may not be a good idea unless you really want to go back into therapy.
3) Pad Thai may not be the same Pad Thai you think you is, and that is ok.
4) It's not a good idea to visit a friend with 3 young kids in the late afternoon/pre-suppertime hours.
5) Don't download "Rainy Day Woman" as your ring tone. Some people find the "everyone must get stoned" line offensive, especially if you don't know how to lower the volume of your ring tone.
6) Just say no to homemade wine.
7) Rocks make excellent, inexpensive gifts.
8) Homemade jams, jellies and chutneys also make excellent gifts.
9) Stay hydrated.
10) Keep your things together. Don't scatter.

More stream-of-consciousness

Being on vacation for so long has made me so unstructured that all I can do is stream-of-consciousness blogging. My apologies to those of you who need structure.
Here is today's SOC: Naps are good and an excellent afternoon activity. People should invest in good guest beds. I will make a note to do this in the future. Paintings by Salvador Dali are cool even if you don't like Salvador Dali. I want to learn how to make crazy quilts. Do I even need to learn, or do I just need a sewing machine? I may need a quilting coach. I think I need a dog, but not now. I'm collecting homemade jams and chutneys in a kind of obsessive way. I've got a pottery person interested in the zen garden concept, but she thinks sand might be important, but not the rake. She feels a stick would do. I agree.

Stream-of-Consciousness Update

A quick stream-of-consciousness update here, folks:
First, I'm loving the not working thing. I am reading a lot, and trying not to kill off
too many brain cells. Doing minimal exercise. Planning to ramp it up a bit this fall in that respect. I've decided I dislike homemade wine. I am enjoying buying lots of flashy second-hand clothes at Frenchy's stores (fabulous second-hand clothing places on the east coast). I want to take up quilting. I've decided I'm very very happy not to be 20 or anywhere near 20. I've become obsessed with making sand-free zen gardens. Fuck the sand. Llamas are freaky animals, but I can relate to them. More to follow. I'm being summoned by a toddler.

Blogation

I am going on vacation, including a blog vacation, folks. Lots of interesting things coming up this fall because:

I will be not working
I will be homeless
I will be travelling
I will be in a perpetual state of transition
I will be exploring creative pursuits

No doubt, there will be plenty of dysfunction to blog about, too, so come back and see me in September.

xxxxxxx

Car Purchase Issues

I'm trying to buy a car - a private sale. The seller wants the car until Aug. 8 because that's when she's leaving the country. I need the car by July 26rd because that's when I'm pulling out of town. I said I was flexible for a day or two, and would be interested in paying the listed price for the car. The seller looked into rental cars, and figures it would cost up to $700 to rent a car for the period from July 26th to Aug. 8th, and now is saying she would like to tack this amount onto the original price of the car.
Needless to say, I'm not liking the way this deal is going, and I'm walking away.

I need help

I need help. I don't understand how cellphones work. And, I'm breaking down and buying one of the stupid things. Why, you ask? Because in two weeks, I will be homeless. I will need a "place" for people to reach me. Where will that place be? My cellphone.
I just got off the phone with Rogers. I loathe Rogers. They spoke to me of 1 to 3-year contracts. I told them I didn't want to be in any contract with Rogers for more than a year. So, as I understand it, there is 1) the contract, and 2) the plan. I asked what the contract gave me, and, as I understood it, it gives me nothing but the privilege of using Rogers. The plans are too complicated for me to even begin to understand. I just want a phone I can use with a fun ring tone. For me, that will be the only good thing about this new purchase. I'm thinking a BeeGees ring tone.
Help. Please, someone, explain cell phones to me, and how I can get a fun ring tone.

I know I'm boring you with all the Facebook crap, but....

Joel Plaskett is now my friend. Snooty Sarah Harmer is not.

To Buy a Car or Not to Buy

In a previous post, I mentioned that I didn't want to buy a car. I had lots of good reasons. After making this decision, friends lent me a very large American car, which I am still using, and which I love in a kind of sick way. This loan is coming to an end in a week, and I will be carless once again.
The problem is that in two weeks, I need to transport my cat a very long distance for 5 weeks, and would like to have a car during that period. Renting a car this long is costly. And, there are vehicules I can borrow during this 5-week period. So, the question comes down to this: should I purchase a vehicule for my cat?

Post Facebook Rejection and Meditations on Bluesfest

I'm still wounded from all the celebrities who have rejected me on Facebook. Oh well. At least, Justin Trudeau is still my friend. He is at home right now, by the way, in case you were wondering. Yesterday, to make myself feel better from all the rejection, I decided to spend the afternoon watching Wimbleton and Under-20-year olds playing soccer at Irene's with a pretty hardcore group of drinkers. Then, I went out on the street, thinking I could buy a cheap ticket to see the Under-20-year-olds play soccer in person. Wrong. $100 a ticket. Then, I went to the Bluesfest and heard George Thorogood do his BBBBBad song and some Chinese DJ kid who uses a flipchart as part of his schtick. Today, I have a kind of hit-by-a-truck feeling which I attribute to 1) rejection 2) alcohol 3) bar food 4) the Bluesfest.
I don't like the new Bluesfest. It feels too big and overwhelming. I can't walk there easily. It's spread out all over the place. I did love the Bob Dylan show, even though I barely saw him, and, as one Facebooker noted, he looked like he had to pee badly as he squirmed around behind the little keyboard. I guess he wasn't very nice, not even participating in the Blues in the Schools program thingy, but I don't care. I love him. I love Bob, but am not happy with the Bluesfest this year.

Facebook Rejections

So far, it seems I've been rejected by:

Rick Mercer
Sarah Harmer
Jian Ghomeshi
George Stroumboulopoulos
Judy Rebick

Desperately Seeking Desperate Celebrities

Here is a conversation I had today on Facebook:

Me: I tried to friend up with Rick Mercer, but I think he rejected me.

My Facebook Friend: He has very particular tastes, apparement. Try Jian Ghomeshi or someone desperate like that.

Me: Yes, I guess I'll have to just settle for the desperate celebrity-types

Meeting Famous Ottawa Bloggers

Meeting bloggers in the flesh is exciting, but can be disarming. Without our blog personas, some of us feel naked.
On the weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting Megan and her paramour, as well as the famous, Zoom, at a Canada Day Brunch. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting all of them, although I found myself feeling all nervous and shy at the beginning. Megan is Ottawa's finest erotic writer. And, her beardless paramour is as wonderful as Megan describes. For example, the man shared a black coffee with her because there was only one coffee left, and, Megan drinks black coffee. This is the kind of guy we are talking about here.
I was struck by Zoom's energy. Her blog is energetic and so is her real-life persona. Go Zoom go!
I hope there will be more opportunities to meet these folks outside the blogosphere. But now, back to Facebook!!

Facebook Celebrity Friend

Justin Trudeau and I are now friends.

Facebook Mission Statement

Today at a delightful Canada Day brunch, I was asked what my Facebook goals were. I realized that I completely lacked any kind of vision or direction for my activities on Facebook. So, I have done some reflecting on the matter, and here is my mission statement:

I will use Facebook for the purpose of understanding it as a medium for human communication, as a lazy person's pick-up tool, as a creepy mechanism for activating one's inner voyeur. While examining these facets of Facebook, I intend to accumulate as many celebrity friends as I can; to download as many inane applications as I can find; and, to avoid addictive Facebook behaviours.

Advantages of being on the no-fly list

I would like to be on a no-fly list. How do I get on the list?
In certain situations, it would be fun to say, "I'm sorry. I can't go. I'm on the no-fly list." Or, in other situations, it would be fun to say, "I'll be there, but it will take a week or two because I'm on the no-fly list."
Here are just a few of the many advantages of being on the no-fly list:

1) no more crappy airline food (if they give you anything at all)
2) no more airport security
3) no more airport tax
4) no more mean airport people
5) more train travel
6) more cruises
7) fewer visits to the tropical medicine clinic
8) more time relaxing at home
9) cachet of being able to announce at a cocktail party, "Yes, well, before I was on the no-fly list, blah blah blah..."
10) knowing you won't die in a plane crash

Advice for those going to family reunions

I love my family. As individuals, they are delightful, young and old. However, when my family comes together for a reunion, things have traditionally broken down. We're a highly sensitive bunch, so there can be a lot of hurt feelings, latent hostility and ISSUES just ready to rise to the surface. At our last family reunion, we had a couple of family members running crying into the forest. We'd be a good cast for a Woody Allen film.

OK here's some family reunion advice. I'd love to have more:

1) Have some kind of escape vehicule. Never go to a family reunion without a functioning car.
2) Before you go, tell your family how busy you are. Bring your laptop in case you need to hide somewhere and "work".
3) Bring medication.
4) Bring alcohol.
5) Go to your happy place.
6) Make sure your sleeping quarters will be in a room with a door that closes. If it's not, check yourself into the nearest motel.
7) Compile a list of relaxation techniques before you go.
8) Imagine you are Buddhist.
9) Present yourself to your family as an exercise freak and go for long runs.
10) Make a post-reunion appointment with your therapist.

Why Facebook is the devil's tool...

1) Facebook creates false intimacy with people who are not your real friends. People who would never have the balls to send you an email feel free to facebook you shamelessly throughout the work day.
2) Facebook generates social anxiety.
3) Facebook allows people who are not clear on boundaries to spew their crap out for all the world to see. A further note on this one--- At least a blog allows a certain depth. Facebook users, on the other hand, can spew out only the thinnest veneer of crap. This is because Facebook has the depth of toddler wading pool before the water's been put in. (Apologies for the crap/toddler imagery).
4) Facebook is highly addictive, particularly for the OCD types. I'm sure it will soon be banned from all workplaces.
5) There is no fifth reason.

On a more positive note, I just love the Facebook status profile feature. I think it's the best part of the whole fucking interface.

Metallic shorts

I am having a mid-life crisis. I just bought a pair of metallic bermuda shorts. They were on sale. Who knows what's next. Stay tuned.

Cyber-stalking

I'm currently cyber-stalking a former professor of mine whose bones I considered jumping many moons ago. I didn't at the time. There were others involved. He was my professor, after all. I saw him on the street years later, ran away and hid from him, and then later cried into a gin and tonic with a friend. This was a bad bad crush that left me with lots of regrets.

In the past couple of years, I decided to cyber-stalk him. This is what I've found out so far:

1) He is now a "faculbrity" at a well-known U.S. Ivy League school.
2) He is still hot.
3) He has 2 kids.
4) He divorced wife #1.
5) He divorced wife #2.
6) Divorced wife #2 is another "faculbrity" who was described on ratemyprofessor.com as "self-righteous and opinionated, but smokin' hot."
7) He now has a girlfriend he rides around on a motorcycle with.
8) He takes his kids to fun, tropical places.
9) He's published lots of stuff.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Borrowed Car Etiquette

I am still driving the borrowed the car: the very large American car, which I love in a kind of sick way. When I borrowed this car, I intended to give it back in mint condition: clean, full of gas, with a fresh oil change. To my horror yesterday, I noticed that it is missing a hubcap. I have lost of hubcap. I'm not sure how this happened. I prefer to believe that it was stolen, rather than examine my own driving technique.
I called a couple of scrapyards and they don't have one. One said he'd order me in one and it would cost $45. Another said I would have to call the dealer, and buy an entire set, which would be costly.
My question to you car people out there: where can I find a hubcap for around $10?

Using Coasters for Therapy

If you are meeting a friend in a bar, and you need props to talk about relationship issues, I recommend using coasters. You can hold them upright if they need to interact with each other. One coaster can be you (or your friend), and the other can be the paramour. To be supportive to your friend, you can talk directly to the coasters, and ask probing questions to the coasters. Or, you can do what I did, and put the coaster representing my friend down on the table and beat it with your fist.

More on stuff up for grabs

Since the Great Glebe Garage Sale, I've had a bunch of crap sitting on my porch. I came home to find this note with $5 attached to it on my door:

For the Box;
Hoping its for free,
if not email me at ...xxxxxx
Here is $5 for the box!
Thank You!!

I decided to email the person, even though the box of crap was up for grabs. Here is my email:

Dear Person who took box off my porch and gave me $5,

The box is indeed free. And, thank you for the $5, which was completely unnecessary since, as I mentioned before, the box is free.

I did want to let you know, though, that it might not be appropriate to take boxes or other items off people's porches. Generally, people place their free, up-for-grabs stuff on the curb. I'm a messy person and leave all kinds of shit lying around on my porch and in my yard. That doesn't mean I want people to take it, even if they do leave $5. So, what I'm trying to say is that when you go on people's porches, take stuff, and leave money in the door, it's a bit creepy. I thought you might appreciate the feedback.

Hope you enjoy the box of stuff. Thanks again for the $5.

Sincerely,
Agatha

stuff of mine that is up for grabs

- a lovely inkjet printer
- a thingy to hang a light from the ceiling
- plastic office organizer things
- a broken palm pilot
- a clip frame with an ugly picture inside
- various bags I`ve gotten free at conferences
- a piece of art I picked up in the garbage that you could staple a piece of fabric onto and make your own art

PUBLOG: Humphrey's on Bank Street in the Glebe

A few weeks ago, Dwarfie and I decided to check out Humphrey's on Bank (683 Bank Street near Powell) and were pleasantly surprised.

Things we liked:
1) Lovely patio set back from Bank Street.
2) Indian food ("This sag paneer is fabulous!" 4th Dwarf exclaimed. He is generally not that positive about pub food).
3) Nice casual, friendly server.

Things we didn't like as much:
1) Music was a bit too loud for our liking inside.
2) No cider, so I had to order a $9 glass of wine. They were a bit cheap on the amount of wine they poured into the glass.
3) Prices slightly higher than standard pub food.

I returned to Humphrey's for another delightful evening, this time with the dischevelled waiter, and, to our delight, there was a Beatles Cover band playing: a cute pair of moptops singing Beatles' classics. I didn't catch the name of the band, unfortunately. The song, "Rocky Raccoon" was a highlight for me.

Last weekend, during the Art in the Park event in the Glebe, they had jazz musicians playing on the patio. I like what they are doing with this place.

I'm on a mission to find other good summer patios in this city. Suggestions would be most welcome.

This week

My internet has been down.
The Sens went down.
My health went down.

I missed the Bluesfest early bird deadline. I am a late bird.

How about a few Happy Honeymoon Stories?

Over at Asteroidea Press, the very talented Megan Butcher and Jennifer Whiteford are working on a new Manners Zine. They are collecting "honeymoon horror stories." I was able to provide them with a couple, and there are plenty more where that came from.
I'm wondering if they will be collecting some happy honeymoon stories, as well... If so, I have one. Here it is:
My paramour accidentally vacuumed a pair of my knickers. He put a piece of masking tape on the vacuum cleaner and wrote on it "Aggie's panties" to remind him to retrieve them later from the vacuum bag. He never did retrieve them, but the masking tape remained, long after the relationship. Pretty sweet, eh?

Things I haven't had time to blog about

1) Hymen-replacements operations - hymenoscopies? Not sure what they're called.
2) A friend of mine (let's call him 4th Dwarf's) new schema and how it's working out.
3) My elbow injury of this weekend caused by a botched assault.
4) Meditations on getting rid of stuff.
5) How my long-distance matchmaking job is working out.
6) What I'm reading and not reading these days.
7) More about my views on baby blogs.
8) My creative activities of late.
9) Meditations on my lack of physical activity.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Items I should have sold at the Glebe Garage Sale, but didn't

1) items of MEC clothing I never wear because I hate them.
2) a car that starts, but doesn't really run.
3) my entire self-help collection.
4) my wedding ring (the one I bought after losing the first one).
5) my ink-jet printer
6) my TV and VHS player
7) ugly knick-knacks that I can't seem to rid myself of
8) my tennis racket (who am I kidding?)
9) my squash racket (who am I kidding?)
10) barely-worn brassieres that are too uncomfortable to wear

When things turn ugly in an art class

As I have mentioned a number of times, I love my art teacher. He is my dream teacher. He walks around saying brilliant things, and seems to say just the right thing at the right moment. Tonight, one of his comments to me was "The key here is to keep this thing kicky, while staying coherent." He also compared painting to writing and target practice.
While he is my dream teacher, it seems he is someone else's nightmare. One of the students in our class is a woman who hasn't seemed happy from the get-go. She was hoping for a technique class.

They got into it in our last class, and things turned ugly. She said, "You are trying to make me into an abstract painter." His response to this was, "Everything is abstract. Language is abstract. I'm not trying to make you into anything. I'm just trying to help you look at things." I thought that was a fine response. But, then things escalated quickly, and resulted in her saying something nasty about his ability as a teacher. The conversation continued to take a bad turn, and he ended up saying to her - "Maybe you should not paint." She said, "Maybe you should get a life." Then, she walked out. My dream teacher looked a bit sick and was clearly rattled. The rest of us were working quietly and intensely on our own paintings during all of this.

After class, I walked out with a fellow student who was concerned about the woman who stormed out. She said, "Painting is all she has. She's one of those traditional women who has just followed her husband around." I thought to myself, maybe this woman does need to expand her horizons a bit. You see, my teacher may have intuitively sensed that this woman needed to have a break from the painting. That is how fucking brilliant he is.

Baby poop on blogs

Yesterday, I received a delightful email from an associate about the birth of his daughter. However, the happy e-birth announcement contained a link to the dreaded baby blog -- actually, the mommy blog. It contained fascinating accounts of the baby's facial expressions as she poops. I have some advice and questions for all those parent bloggers out there:

1) Other people's baby's poop is not interesting reading. I'm interested in my own poop, and my cat's poop. Beyond that, I'm not really interested in poop. I recommend that poop discussions stick close to home.
2) Infant behaviour is not that interesting. Start blogging when the babe starts developing more. Put the infant stuff in a BABY BOOK, if you must. Remember those books? Those things your mom stuck a little lock of your hair in? Or, perhaps there was no account of your babyhood anywhere...
3) Imagine your baby as a teenager, reading your blog. How would she/he feel? Think about it.
4) Imagine your baby as an adult on a therapist's couch with his/her laptop, referring to your blog. Imagine the therapist saying, "Yes, clearly, this is where it all started."
5) Readers of parent blogs tend to be more interested in how the parents are doing. So--how are you doing?