Random Update

1) The guy I said would get laid because of that "Cabin Scent" candle is - get this - going to a cabin in Maine for potential shagging. You see? Case closed.

2) There is so much unbloggable material in my life right now, I'm about to explode. Stay tuned. I may blog it all in about 5 years.

3) Thanks to Woodsy, I've taken to carrying small stones around with me for "support". I have a bowl of stones in my office and people keep coming in and taking them. I know the idea is that the stone will "ground me", but I'm mostly reassured that I could throw the thing if I need to.

4) I bought a Dresden Plate Quilt for $25 and am in love with it. Stay tuned for photos.

Cabin Scents

This weekend the Dischevelled One and I visited a friend who invited us for dinner for the first time ever. This friend has had a rough couple of years and hasn't opened his home to anyone, so this was a big deal. In his words, "I cleaned up my place, so I had no choice but to invite people over before it gets messy again." But, it was clear from his positive demeanor that this fellow has done more than just clean up his house. This is a man on the mend, a man in transition, a man ready to get out there and meet some women. I told him that the cleanliness of his place was definitely going to score big points for him. But, what really caught my attention was this scented candle on his coffee table called Cabin Scents. I told him, "This candle right here is going to get you laid." Take note all you single, or wanting-to-get-laid men out there, go get this candle. I don't usually react so strongly to scented candles. In fact, I loathe them. But - "Cabin Scents" - I am ALL over that.

How to Sell Art in Ottawa and 2 Musicians I Like

1) Today I discovered the key to selling art in Ottawa. You may not like this, but this is a little sad reality I witnessed today at the Old Ottawa South Art in the Park.
So here it is: find a well-heeled white-haired woman with alcohol on her breath. She will spend. Believe me. She will spend. And she'll say things like, "My kids are going to kill me." I watched an artist navigate this situation very very carefully and ended up making a lot of money.

2) DM pointed out today that I like an anglo musician who writes very much like a francophone musician I also like. Both are pretty rough writers, and both have moments of fucking brilliance. The anglo musician is Dan Reeder, who has lines like this: "I don't really want to talk to you/But my business requires that I do." Who can't relate to that? He also has a song entitled "I drink beer", which I appreciate as a song title.

3) The francophone musician is Cayouche. He is ugly. He has a big ugly growth on his face, and apparently smells in person. But he is brilliant. My favourite song of his is -- my translation in English -- "You broke the chain on my tractor". Some other great lines in the song are (my translation):
You don't want to castrate the horses anymore
You don't look after the pig.
You say you want to go to Montreal.
Take your bags and get the fuck out of here.

You can watch Cayouche in action here.

Close-up

This is a close-up of the vinyl tiles used in the beach installation. This is a part of a photo series of the project taken by Coyote. My friend pointed out that the irony is the rock motif in the tiles themselves.

Impermanence and Change

Undeniable truths perhaps, but I still have trouble with impermanence and change. There is a control freak living inside of me.
As part of my art therapy this summer, I (with a friend) made this lovely little beach pathway out of washed up fragments of some kind of vinyl flooring. We carefully placed each piece to create (im)perfect Wabi-sabi beauty. Then, the tide came in and ruined it all.

Meeting Bloggers at Milan's Photography Show

What a great evening at Raw Sugar on Friday! I got to meet all of my favourite Ottawa bloggers, including Milan, who made the whole thing happen by having a photography show. If you haven't been to Raw Sugar, go and see Milan's photos. And, buy one! They are gorgeous and affordable.

It was pointed out to me (by XUP) that I have missed ALL blogger events. When I got defensive and said I didn't do brunches, she pointed out that there were other non-brunch events organized that I didn't get my ass to. I found myself stuttering something to her about working on myself.

I have to say, I was a little apprehensive about meeting the "real people" behind the blogs. Having met a bunch of them on Friday evening, I can say they are truly spectacular human beings. And maybe, just being in their presence will activate my blogging mojo.

When I met Robin, the genius behind Watawa Life, I found myself shy, wanting to genuflect a la Mike Myers with a "I'm not worthy/I'm not worthy"...It was such a pleasure to meet Robin. His photos have brought tears to my eyes and have helped me see the beauty of Ottawa even when it sucks.

Zoom and GC are a radiant pair. I have met them before, and feel that I've known them longer than I have. Funny how that is. Zoom's blog is a constant source of inspiration to me. I've thrown away all my self-help books and just read Zoom's blog now.

Real Grouchy. I just met RG very briefly at the end of the evening. I was surprised to discover that RG is a young man. I had assumed RG was an older --and grouchier--man. So, I was shocked to find he was a younger man. I love younger men...

XUP. I did not know what the "real" XUP would be like. I love the sharp wit and edge of her writing. In person, she is adorable -- open, funny, cool, and full of sparkle. I sensed that our XUP is full of mischief, and I liked that.

Stella. I've met Stella before, and loved her instantly. She proclaimed herself a "rabid fan" of Astronaut Love Triangle. Well, I'm a rabid fan of Stella, and would sign her bosom anytime.

The brilliant, Milan. Oh my. I'm getting flustered here. You know I have a thing for younger men, and meeting Milan AND his brother was a bit too much for me. I have always been a huge Milan fan (rabid, really).

Megan. Megan and I have met before, and she is, as always, a stunning presence. A strong honest voice in writing and in person. I am always grateful to Megan for taking us where we need to go and keeping it raw and real.

Thanks bloggers, for a wonderful evening. Until the next time!

Hotel recommendation

In addition to the fabulous Harlequin Romance artwork, this place offered a "free breakfast" of holiday-style Rice Crispies. The snap, crackle and pop emerged from a mass of red, green, beige kernels drowning in 3% milk. Yum! I loved this place. It's a friendly 2-star on the lovely route 132 West along the St.Laurence.

Blog

I have been off the blog for a while, but doing ok. I'm working on some things now that are pulling me off-line. This is what I'm working on over here:

1) Writing. I'm writing on paper off-line every day now. That is, I'm writing with a pen on a piece of paper. Remember that? This is a new thing. I'm trying to cultivate some sort of discipline around writing.
2) Getting my back fixed. I'm going to another one of my Chinese doctors. He is fixing my back piece by piece. I think it's getting better. He only takes cash and doesn't give receipts. When I tell people this, they are horrified.
3) Taking "mental health" time to recover from the ravages of this work year. On Wednesday, I stacked wood. Wood stacking may not be great for the back, but it is excellent for the mental health.
4) Reading in bed.
5) Not feeling guilty about neglecting three blogs.

Buying make-up

Today I had a walk with Conch Shell and she said I needed to tone down my Swine Flu Hysteria. So, I am. I'm trying to focus on other things. But, did you know that pigs are catching it from people now? And, they aren't hysterical. And, they certainly have more reason to be....The prospects for a pig with Swine Flu aren't great these days.
Anyway, today I bought make-up to take my mind off of Swine Flu. Here was my conversation with the young lovely sales woman:

Aggie: Do you have anything that covers liver spots and under-eye bags for aging women?
SW: Yes, let's try this one......Oh, it looks a bit too yellowish.
Aggie: I try to stay away from the jaundiced look.
SW: Pardon me?
Aggie: Jaundice.
SW: What's that?
Aggie: Is there one that is less yellow?
SW: This one looks good with your skin.
Aggie: OK. Can you recommend a lipstick?
SW: Well it depends on what you like.
Aggie: I'd like my lips to look like my lips but better.
SW: You'll need a lip pencil to make that happen.
Aggie: OK then. Do you have a lipstick that will make my lips look the same as they are now?
SW: Here you go. I recommend this: it's a nude lipstick.

So, I walked out of there with a lipstick that does....nothing. This is what Swine Flu Hysteria has led to.

Swine Flu Hysteria

I get scared easily. When the guy cut off the guy's head on the bus, I got scared that my head was going to get cut off the next time I took a bus. When that guy killed himself with a Q-tip, I thought I was going to kill myself with a Q-tip. I'm also scared shitless of Swine Flu. Just the sound of it scares me. Pigs. Flu. Pig flu. Holy fuck! And now it's at a Level 5... how many levels are there, anyway? My institution tells me it is prepared, but are they really? I know the wankers in charge of these things and they don't know their asses from their elbows.

Next week I have an appointment with a young woman who will have just arrived from a vacation in Mexico. She's IN Mexico right now. I am already trying to figure out how I can keep her away from me, and away from everyone in my workplace. She needs to stay the fuck away! I don't want her to see that I am completely nuts over here, but I really, seriously want her away!

I am beginning to see that this hysteria I am experiencing runs in my family. I received this email today from a very close relative:

"As soon as I press Send to forward you this email, I'm off with the aforementioned check lists in hand to buy what's needed to top up and my emergency supplies kit. Even though I've recently read that face masks are little help in protecting us from breathing-in the tiny virus germs, I also will buy -- and use -- a box of face masks. At the very least, wearing a mask in crowded places may help keep me from unconsciously touching my nose and mouth, and rubbing my eyes -- the surest way to get whatever is going around."

Random thoughts at the end of April

The contest seems to be going ok over at the ESI blog with three strong entries. However, I'm a little disappointed in the number of entries. The ESIs are OUT, it seems. Or, perhaps we're so OUT, we're IN. Or, maybe we are just on our way IN after being OUT. I'm going to call an Emergency Meeting in the next days to determine a winner.

The leaves busted out today in fresh fuzzy green. This made me happy.

Blogger news: Zoom is writing great stuff over on Knitnut and winning prizes while she's at it. Jo S. has made a big move and is still managing to cook up a storm. I want Woodsy to come back.

Is anyone out there afraid of Swine flu? Swine flu is "grippe porcine" in French, which sounds a lot sexier.

My obsession with WordTwist, Scramble and House M.D. are on the wane leaving more space in my life for other pursuits such as sewing projects with vintage sheets, writing stories, gardening, and meditation.

Had a great birthday in which I received fabulous gifts including a state-of-the-art seam ripper, a Sex Pistols T-shirt, long black gloves, a tiny clutch purse to wear to the opera, an original painting with skulls on it, and a beach bag.

Things that seem to be IN, but I wish would go OUT....

- skinny jeans
- shameless texting everywhere
- rich people "worrying" about how the economic downturn will affect them.
- people taking out their families and themselves in response to the economic downturn.
- no longer giving a shit about the environment because of the economic downturn.
- anxiety disorders
- sleep disorders
- hackneyed "change management" language
- the focus on Michelle Obama's pipes
- microfibres
- Bristol Palin's ex, Levi

Part 3: In and Out

IN

being "between jobs"
coffee of all sorts: free, quality, crappy
radio
free events or free passes
mental health days
Buddhism
crankiness

OUT

golf
email jokes
fruit teas
Christianity
work team-building exercises
self-help literature
having a positive attitude

More Ins and Outs

IN

herb gardens
having zero or one kid
David Scrimshaw
Jo Stockton's amazing food blog
Omega 3s
magic bags
knick knacks
spring

OUT

winter
scrapbooking
Lululemon
colds
restaurant meals
expensive anti-aging creams
environmentally unfriendly kitty litter
whinging

Aggie's - What's IN and OUT list

What’s IN?

-gardening
-Value Village shopping
-binge drinking
-drugs
-doing art
-using work benefits to the max (mental, dental, massages, etc… while we still have them!)
-twittering
-fruit pies
-meditation
-reading
-walking
-manicures and pedicures
-cats
-road trips
-manners
-Jian Ghomeshi
-Astronaut Love Triangle
-spontaneity
-quilts
-obsessive-compulsive disorder

What’s OUT

-veganism
-yoga
-Facebook
-blogging
-TV
-dogs
-workaholism
-power dressing
-marriage
-home ownership
-air travel
-rudeness
-all Canadian politicians
-self-referential wanking
-Susan Boyle (already!)
-attention-deficit disorder
-assholes
-fleece anything
-jogging along the Rideau Canal

I forgot I had a blog

Sorry for not posting. I temporarily forgot I had a blog or 3. I have Emergency Meeting Minutes to post up on the Flagship Blog. Stay tuned. I have a nearly finished quilt and needlepoint pin cushions to post on the crafting blog. There's not much action over there right now, but that's not entirely my fault, since it is group blog.
In other news, do we really believe any of the Boxcutters has the flu?
In other news, my little gray cat fetches like a dog. Stay tuned for a delightful youtube video.

XUP is a genius

XUP is a genius. We should all be listening to this woman. EVERYTHING she suggested to me for the proper care and maintenance of my elderly guests was BANG ON: the sweets, the sweet alcohol, the eating routine, the video rentals, the activities. Because she was so helpful in her comments on my blog, I consulted her privately and asked her about restaurants. She suggested HOTELS and BUFFETS. We went to the buffet at this rotating restaurant and it was huge hit. These folks will be talking about this "moving house" for the rest of their days.

We did make a few errors:

1) We deviated from XUP's advice not to serve up anything "exotic". I served up unpeeled potatoes one evening, and that was met with quiet disdain.
2) We served lunch (which is actually a hot dinner) about an hour too late, and that caused blood sugar and tummy problems. It also upset the schedule for the next meal, causing some distress.
3) We should have rented a car. The two-door is dangerous for seniors because of the dangling front seat belt which can trip you up. Seniors sometimes don't listen well when you say, "Please wait until I'm standing over there to help you out." We had one down on the sidewalk (unharmed, fortunately), and another nearly down.

But overall, the visit was a great success. Thanks, XUP!

Getting ready for Old People

Thanks to XUP, who is an expert on old people, I am ready to receive my elderly guests. Here are some preparations I've made:

1) I have ordered DVDs, including "the Best of the Price is Right" and "America's Funniest Home Videos". "Three's Company" (Season 2) is also on the way.

2) I am bringing lots of sweets into the home. If I have time, I'm going to make a pan of squares. Old people like squares.

3) I bought a bottle of Bailey's, and have my own bottle of Port, which I'm willing to share.

4) I have remedies for stomach ailments or discomfort of any kind.

5) I have magic bags.

6) I have crosswords.

7) I am ready to talk loudly and listen for hours to stories about the old days.

8) I have a few Ottawa tourist pamphlets ready in case people feel like doing some light sightseeing.

Am I forgetting anything here? I feel prepared. I really do. Thanks, all of you --especially XUP !--for your suggestions.

Random thoughts at the end of March

I'm having real trouble blogging these days. Things are grim with all the cutting, downsizing, adjusting...It's also the end of March, and we're about to head into the "cruellest month" which hopefully will turn out to be kinder than March.
Some random thoughts on what's going on over here:

My job currently feels like a cartoon. I will not say more about this, except that -- Cartoons can be funny. Cartoons can be annoying. Cartoons can be extreme. People can get hurt in cartoons. Watching too many cartoons on a Saturday morning can leave you cranky for the rest of the day. Enough said. Who can afford to get dooced in our current climate?

Thanks to XUP, I'm ready for the old folks who will be visiting next week. I decided against getting cable, and am going to follow XUP's advice and getting DVDs of old TV shows. XUP is a genius.

The tofu folks inspired me to have more vegetarian dinners. When I served up a delightful tofu dinner to Dischevelled Man, he defrosted meatballs to put on top. He may have to be the next contestant for the tofu challenge.

I was supposed to attend a sock monkey workshop this afternoon at Raw Sugar, but decided to sit on my porch in the sun and read the paper and a New Yorker instead.

I'm back to seeing my Chinese doctor. I'm taking pills for "deficiency of blood and energy, shrivelled complexion". Makes sense. I'm also taking Harp Seal Oil and getting regular acupunture treatments. Feeling better and less shrivelled already.

Ottawa for the Elderly

I have two wonderful elderly people coming into town from April 2 - 6th. They are delightful and I love them, but need some guidance on what to do. Here are some things I'm thinking of doing in preparation:
1) getting cable.
2) getting lots of food in.
3) cleaning up the clutter.
4) making magic bags.

But still, what to do when they get here besides eating and sitting around watching TV? Dischevelled man has suggested the War Museum and crafting shows/events. They are not big walkers and get tired. They've done the Parliament thing. They don't do board games. I'm open to suggestions here.

Alain Bashung, December 1, 1947 - March 14, 2009

Alain Bashung, one of France's great singer/songwriters just died at the age of 61. I discovered Bashung a few years ago through dischevelled man, and immediately fell in love with him. He is Elvis, Buddy Holly, Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen, all in one beautiful French package. Bashung was touring right up until the time he died of lung cancer. I was hoping to get a chance to see him. I have his latest CD, Bleu Petrole, which features the heartbreaking, "Resident de la Republique".

I'm a huge fan of Bashung's old stuff, too. If you want to buy one Bashung CD (besides his latest), I recommend "Osez Josephine". Here is a video of the title track. I'm playing it right now.

His first big hit, Gaby Oh! Gaby, will transport you back to the 80s.

Dischevelled Man and Gray Cats

Gray cats squinting

Portrait of Ti-Gris & dancing cats

Don't Lose the Run of Yourself

I have a great friend from the Ottawa Valley who described someone as "having lost the run of himself".... I love that expression and plan to start using it. I found it listed here in a Dublin slang dictionary, so I figure the expression goes back to sheep-herding in Ireland.
I've come in contact with a few folks lately who really have lost the run of themselves. It's not a pretty sight when one loses the run of oneself. I'm not talking about a touch of seasonal depression, a fit of nerves, or a moment of road rage. I'm talking about LOSING THE RUN OF YOURSELF. I'm talking -- sweetheart, you may need a couple of border collies biting your ass to get back the run of yourself.

Looks like we made it....

No I'm not referring to the Barry Manilow song. I'm talking about February. We made it through February, folks. Things are looking up. Here are a list of things to look forward to in March:

1) longer days
2) thawing freezing then more thawing
3) snowing raining snowing freezing rain
4) St. Patrick's Day: drunken oafs on Elgin street.
5) more slush
6) dog poop surfacing
7) horniness
8) warmth
9) more birds
10) the end of March

Back

Hi everyone. I'm back. Did you notice I was away? I was in Florida. At a conference. I know, I know...a conference that just happened to be at Clearwater Beach, Florida -- in February. I would have wanted to go even if it were in Winnipeg. Not!

Here are some random discoveries I made on my trip:

1) I met an autistic dog.
2) I saw a mother and baby dolphin jumping in unison.
3) You can get a really really sharp seashell through security, but they'll take your tweezers.
4) Florida is foreclosure hell right now and Floridians are scared shitless about the economy, even ones driving BMWs.
5) There is no fifth.

Witness

Winter Break-ups

OK. Here's a nice pre-Valentine's Day topic: winter break-ups. Lately, I've heard about what seems like a lot of folks either separating or in the palliative care stage of the relationship. When I hear about this, I think to myself, "Wow, these folks managed to muster up the energy to break up during a long, cold, Ottawa winter...with the bus strike and everything!" I have a lot of admiration for these people because, despite all these obstacles, they have the energy and the courage to make a move, throw themselves into transition, uncertainty, grief, etc...Kudos to all of you for breaking up right now! I know there is the well-documentedFish or Cut Bait Day, but, even so...breaking up in winter is damn hard. I couldn't do it. I'll hunker down in any old crappy relationship just to survive the damn winter.
So, to all you winter break-up folks, screw Valentine's Day! My roses go to you.

Houseguests, crap, continued...

A small turd was discovered on the floor by the door. And someone stepped in it. So, it was a small smushed turd. Again, not sure which cat is protesting. Perhaps both.
I'm a barely-standing-ragdoll now, washing sheets and towels, in preparation for two, no, three more sets of houseguests. Then, I leave town on Sunday and will be a houseguest myself for a couple of days.
Here are some tips on how to be a stellar houseguest:
1) don't complain
2) say thank you
3) use only one towel
4) bring food and drink if possible
5) don't start drinking before noon
6) take a nap, a walk, or read sometimes
7) take care of your needs
8) help clean up
9) bring a present
10) be nice

Do you have other tips?

Houseguests and Crap

Something must be going on in the universe this weekend. Mercury must be out of retrograde. Or Venus is trining Uranus. Our place is crawling with houseguests. I'm hauling every camping mattress I can find out the basement, and clearing floor surfaces, trying to figure out where I can lay people out.
In the midst of this houseguest deluge, and while dischevelled man was giving our first round of guests a house tour, there was a shocking discovery: one of our cats CRAPPED right in the middle of a bed. We're not sure which cat did it. But the large amount of crap suggests that it was the adult cat. I'm not sure why he would do this. Some possible theories here:

1) The cat is freaked out about the number of people coming in.
2) The cat is finally trying to tell us that he is not happy about the arrival of Ti-gris.
3) The cat was sick, and just had a once-in-lifetime unfortunate accident.
4) The cat is trying to tell us that he hates us.
5) It wasn't the cat at all, but one of the houseguests.

Lying for the Story

A work friend today told me that she believes that an extremely high-ranking person (EHRP) in our organization lies regularly during her public addresses because she needs a good story. According to my work friend, she tells witty lies for the purpose of entertaining her underlings. When my work friend mentioned this today, it rang true. It rang true because EHRP's stories don't really ring true. The reason they don't ring true is because in these stories, EHRP just happens to be present when a famous person is around and she just happens to witness the famous person saying or doing something witty. So, there is name-dropping going on, too. I was so distracted by the name-dropping, that I didn't notice the lying. But when the lying was pointed out to me, I got it. There is no word for name-dropping and lying at the same time, is there?

I'm in love with Robin

I love a lot of bloggers out there, but this week I have to say kudos to Robin whose work is consistently beautiful. This photo brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could write a poem, an ode to this piece. Thank you, Robin, for showing us the beauty in slush.

Versailles Academy

I went to the Versailles Academy today for a facial and a pedicure, and it was GREAT! Highly recommended. No need to go to any other spa in Ottawa. This is what I loved about it:
1) I love the name! I loved saying "I'm off to the Versailles Academy".
2) It's CHEAP because they are beauty students and are learning.
3) I had 3 sweet young things working on me --one on each foot, and one on the face. They were polite, competent, and spoke to me in whispery voices.
4) They are supervised by the beauty teacher who came over and told the young woman working on my face that I had "normal skin" because my pores were neither too big nor too small.
5) I liked that I was half naked in a warehouse-like room full of strangers.
6) I liked that immediately after my relaxing spa experience, I could go next door and buy perogies and poppyseed cake for dinner.

Spooning

Being Right

I've been frustrated lately in my dealings with a person who always needs to be right. After some insomniac ruminations last night, it occurred to me that if I'm reacting to Mr. Needs-to-Be-Right I must also need to be right. Or, at least I must be attached to the idea that I'm "righter".

Newflash: I'm in a New Blog!

Just when I thought I was giving up blogging, I've decided to take on a third. Everyone needs THREE blogs, right? My latest blog deals solely with Extreme Crafting. You can find it here. Not a lot of content so far, but you will get the idea what it's all about from our manifesto.

Perfume stench

A question for all you know-it-alls out there: I just bought a beautiful beaded necklace at Neighbourhood Services. Problem is it has serious perfume stench. How do I get perfume stench out of it? Or, should I just dispose of it immediately?

gray cats

More on Winter Drinking

A very important observation I made this week to follow up on the winter drinking theme:

It's really important to stay hydrated during these winter months. Don't forget to drink WATER. It's dry. Heating systems are sucking the life right out of us. And if you do any kind of physical movement at all (skating, skiing, shagging), rehydrate yourself, folks! You may think you are suffering from seasonal affective disorder (SAD), but you probably just aren't drinking enough water.

And, while you're drinking your water, you can watch this.

Winter Drinking

For economical winter drinking, I highly recommend investing in a bottle of port. It's fun to drink it out of a special port glass. So you might need to buy one of those, too. Makes you feel classy. You can get a cheap bottle and drink it all week. It helps.

Books/Inspiration needed

I asked for inspirational reading from my blog readership last year and got all kinds of wonderful suggestions.

I'm looking again, folks!

Here are the categories I'm looking for (and the bloggers who might be able to help me out)

environment/environmental justice (Milan? -- can you help me out with this one?)

crafting (Zoom? But please don't make it a knitting book!)

kitten training (Mintyfresh? Please?)

self-help (any of the Irregulars)

general inspiration (XUP? Megan? Stella? Also a Talker? Man of Science? Better Half? Skylark? Tiana? Bob?)

I'm a little bit desperate here folks.

Two New Blogs I'm Reading

Happy New Year! I'll bring in the new year with two new blogs. One I discovered at the One of a Kind Craft Sale at Lansdowne Park. I was working there for a friend, Erik Tardif, an incredible artist and craftsman, who just moved to the region. The blog I discovered is not Erik's, though; he doesn't blog. The blog I am recommending belongs to a sharp Quebecoise named France Arsenault who does crazy things with felting and wool. I loved her work and bought two items from her which I will post later. She doesn't blog regularly, but I hope she will. She has great links off of her blog, too, which have provided me with lots of inspiration.
The second blog I'm enjoying belongs to this California mom. You all know how I don't usually enjoy mommy blogs, but this one is pleasant. And the great thing is that she provides warnings if she feels the need to talk about poop.