Desperately Seeking Desperate Celebrities

Here is a conversation I had today on Facebook:

Me: I tried to friend up with Rick Mercer, but I think he rejected me.

My Facebook Friend: He has very particular tastes, apparement. Try Jian Ghomeshi or someone desperate like that.

Me: Yes, I guess I'll have to just settle for the desperate celebrity-types

Meeting Famous Ottawa Bloggers

Meeting bloggers in the flesh is exciting, but can be disarming. Without our blog personas, some of us feel naked.
On the weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting Megan and her paramour, as well as the famous, Zoom, at a Canada Day Brunch. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting all of them, although I found myself feeling all nervous and shy at the beginning. Megan is Ottawa's finest erotic writer. And, her beardless paramour is as wonderful as Megan describes. For example, the man shared a black coffee with her because there was only one coffee left, and, Megan drinks black coffee. This is the kind of guy we are talking about here.
I was struck by Zoom's energy. Her blog is energetic and so is her real-life persona. Go Zoom go!
I hope there will be more opportunities to meet these folks outside the blogosphere. But now, back to Facebook!!

Facebook Celebrity Friend

Justin Trudeau and I are now friends.

Facebook Mission Statement

Today at a delightful Canada Day brunch, I was asked what my Facebook goals were. I realized that I completely lacked any kind of vision or direction for my activities on Facebook. So, I have done some reflecting on the matter, and here is my mission statement:

I will use Facebook for the purpose of understanding it as a medium for human communication, as a lazy person's pick-up tool, as a creepy mechanism for activating one's inner voyeur. While examining these facets of Facebook, I intend to accumulate as many celebrity friends as I can; to download as many inane applications as I can find; and, to avoid addictive Facebook behaviours.

Advantages of being on the no-fly list

I would like to be on a no-fly list. How do I get on the list?
In certain situations, it would be fun to say, "I'm sorry. I can't go. I'm on the no-fly list." Or, in other situations, it would be fun to say, "I'll be there, but it will take a week or two because I'm on the no-fly list."
Here are just a few of the many advantages of being on the no-fly list:

1) no more crappy airline food (if they give you anything at all)
2) no more airport security
3) no more airport tax
4) no more mean airport people
5) more train travel
6) more cruises
7) fewer visits to the tropical medicine clinic
8) more time relaxing at home
9) cachet of being able to announce at a cocktail party, "Yes, well, before I was on the no-fly list, blah blah blah..."
10) knowing you won't die in a plane crash

Advice for those going to family reunions

I love my family. As individuals, they are delightful, young and old. However, when my family comes together for a reunion, things have traditionally broken down. We're a highly sensitive bunch, so there can be a lot of hurt feelings, latent hostility and ISSUES just ready to rise to the surface. At our last family reunion, we had a couple of family members running crying into the forest. We'd be a good cast for a Woody Allen film.

OK here's some family reunion advice. I'd love to have more:

1) Have some kind of escape vehicule. Never go to a family reunion without a functioning car.
2) Before you go, tell your family how busy you are. Bring your laptop in case you need to hide somewhere and "work".
3) Bring medication.
4) Bring alcohol.
5) Go to your happy place.
6) Make sure your sleeping quarters will be in a room with a door that closes. If it's not, check yourself into the nearest motel.
7) Compile a list of relaxation techniques before you go.
8) Imagine you are Buddhist.
9) Present yourself to your family as an exercise freak and go for long runs.
10) Make a post-reunion appointment with your therapist.

Why Facebook is the devil's tool...

1) Facebook creates false intimacy with people who are not your real friends. People who would never have the balls to send you an email feel free to facebook you shamelessly throughout the work day.
2) Facebook generates social anxiety.
3) Facebook allows people who are not clear on boundaries to spew their crap out for all the world to see. A further note on this one--- At least a blog allows a certain depth. Facebook users, on the other hand, can spew out only the thinnest veneer of crap. This is because Facebook has the depth of toddler wading pool before the water's been put in. (Apologies for the crap/toddler imagery).
4) Facebook is highly addictive, particularly for the OCD types. I'm sure it will soon be banned from all workplaces.
5) There is no fifth reason.

On a more positive note, I just love the Facebook status profile feature. I think it's the best part of the whole fucking interface.

Metallic shorts

I am having a mid-life crisis. I just bought a pair of metallic bermuda shorts. They were on sale. Who knows what's next. Stay tuned.

Cyber-stalking

I'm currently cyber-stalking a former professor of mine whose bones I considered jumping many moons ago. I didn't at the time. There were others involved. He was my professor, after all. I saw him on the street years later, ran away and hid from him, and then later cried into a gin and tonic with a friend. This was a bad bad crush that left me with lots of regrets.

In the past couple of years, I decided to cyber-stalk him. This is what I've found out so far:

1) He is now a "faculbrity" at a well-known U.S. Ivy League school.
2) He is still hot.
3) He has 2 kids.
4) He divorced wife #1.
5) He divorced wife #2.
6) Divorced wife #2 is another "faculbrity" who was described on ratemyprofessor.com as "self-righteous and opinionated, but smokin' hot."
7) He now has a girlfriend he rides around on a motorcycle with.
8) He takes his kids to fun, tropical places.
9) He's published lots of stuff.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Borrowed Car Etiquette

I am still driving the borrowed the car: the very large American car, which I love in a kind of sick way. When I borrowed this car, I intended to give it back in mint condition: clean, full of gas, with a fresh oil change. To my horror yesterday, I noticed that it is missing a hubcap. I have lost of hubcap. I'm not sure how this happened. I prefer to believe that it was stolen, rather than examine my own driving technique.
I called a couple of scrapyards and they don't have one. One said he'd order me in one and it would cost $45. Another said I would have to call the dealer, and buy an entire set, which would be costly.
My question to you car people out there: where can I find a hubcap for around $10?

Using Coasters for Therapy

If you are meeting a friend in a bar, and you need props to talk about relationship issues, I recommend using coasters. You can hold them upright if they need to interact with each other. One coaster can be you (or your friend), and the other can be the paramour. To be supportive to your friend, you can talk directly to the coasters, and ask probing questions to the coasters. Or, you can do what I did, and put the coaster representing my friend down on the table and beat it with your fist.

More on stuff up for grabs

Since the Great Glebe Garage Sale, I've had a bunch of crap sitting on my porch. I came home to find this note with $5 attached to it on my door:

For the Box;
Hoping its for free,
if not email me at ...xxxxxx
Here is $5 for the box!
Thank You!!

I decided to email the person, even though the box of crap was up for grabs. Here is my email:

Dear Person who took box off my porch and gave me $5,

The box is indeed free. And, thank you for the $5, which was completely unnecessary since, as I mentioned before, the box is free.

I did want to let you know, though, that it might not be appropriate to take boxes or other items off people's porches. Generally, people place their free, up-for-grabs stuff on the curb. I'm a messy person and leave all kinds of shit lying around on my porch and in my yard. That doesn't mean I want people to take it, even if they do leave $5. So, what I'm trying to say is that when you go on people's porches, take stuff, and leave money in the door, it's a bit creepy. I thought you might appreciate the feedback.

Hope you enjoy the box of stuff. Thanks again for the $5.

Sincerely,
Agatha

stuff of mine that is up for grabs

- a lovely inkjet printer
- a thingy to hang a light from the ceiling
- plastic office organizer things
- a broken palm pilot
- a clip frame with an ugly picture inside
- various bags I`ve gotten free at conferences
- a piece of art I picked up in the garbage that you could staple a piece of fabric onto and make your own art

PUBLOG: Humphrey's on Bank Street in the Glebe

A few weeks ago, Dwarfie and I decided to check out Humphrey's on Bank (683 Bank Street near Powell) and were pleasantly surprised.

Things we liked:
1) Lovely patio set back from Bank Street.
2) Indian food ("This sag paneer is fabulous!" 4th Dwarf exclaimed. He is generally not that positive about pub food).
3) Nice casual, friendly server.

Things we didn't like as much:
1) Music was a bit too loud for our liking inside.
2) No cider, so I had to order a $9 glass of wine. They were a bit cheap on the amount of wine they poured into the glass.
3) Prices slightly higher than standard pub food.

I returned to Humphrey's for another delightful evening, this time with the dischevelled waiter, and, to our delight, there was a Beatles Cover band playing: a cute pair of moptops singing Beatles' classics. I didn't catch the name of the band, unfortunately. The song, "Rocky Raccoon" was a highlight for me.

Last weekend, during the Art in the Park event in the Glebe, they had jazz musicians playing on the patio. I like what they are doing with this place.

I'm on a mission to find other good summer patios in this city. Suggestions would be most welcome.

This week

My internet has been down.
The Sens went down.
My health went down.

I missed the Bluesfest early bird deadline. I am a late bird.

How about a few Happy Honeymoon Stories?

Over at Asteroidea Press, the very talented Megan Butcher and Jennifer Whiteford are working on a new Manners Zine. They are collecting "honeymoon horror stories." I was able to provide them with a couple, and there are plenty more where that came from.
I'm wondering if they will be collecting some happy honeymoon stories, as well... If so, I have one. Here it is:
My paramour accidentally vacuumed a pair of my knickers. He put a piece of masking tape on the vacuum cleaner and wrote on it "Aggie's panties" to remind him to retrieve them later from the vacuum bag. He never did retrieve them, but the masking tape remained, long after the relationship. Pretty sweet, eh?

Things I haven't had time to blog about

1) Hymen-replacements operations - hymenoscopies? Not sure what they're called.
2) A friend of mine (let's call him 4th Dwarf's) new schema and how it's working out.
3) My elbow injury of this weekend caused by a botched assault.
4) Meditations on getting rid of stuff.
5) How my long-distance matchmaking job is working out.
6) What I'm reading and not reading these days.
7) More about my views on baby blogs.
8) My creative activities of late.
9) Meditations on my lack of physical activity.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Items I should have sold at the Glebe Garage Sale, but didn't

1) items of MEC clothing I never wear because I hate them.
2) a car that starts, but doesn't really run.
3) my entire self-help collection.
4) my wedding ring (the one I bought after losing the first one).
5) my ink-jet printer
6) my TV and VHS player
7) ugly knick-knacks that I can't seem to rid myself of
8) my tennis racket (who am I kidding?)
9) my squash racket (who am I kidding?)
10) barely-worn brassieres that are too uncomfortable to wear

When things turn ugly in an art class

As I have mentioned a number of times, I love my art teacher. He is my dream teacher. He walks around saying brilliant things, and seems to say just the right thing at the right moment. Tonight, one of his comments to me was "The key here is to keep this thing kicky, while staying coherent." He also compared painting to writing and target practice.
While he is my dream teacher, it seems he is someone else's nightmare. One of the students in our class is a woman who hasn't seemed happy from the get-go. She was hoping for a technique class.

They got into it in our last class, and things turned ugly. She said, "You are trying to make me into an abstract painter." His response to this was, "Everything is abstract. Language is abstract. I'm not trying to make you into anything. I'm just trying to help you look at things." I thought that was a fine response. But, then things escalated quickly, and resulted in her saying something nasty about his ability as a teacher. The conversation continued to take a bad turn, and he ended up saying to her - "Maybe you should not paint." She said, "Maybe you should get a life." Then, she walked out. My dream teacher looked a bit sick and was clearly rattled. The rest of us were working quietly and intensely on our own paintings during all of this.

After class, I walked out with a fellow student who was concerned about the woman who stormed out. She said, "Painting is all she has. She's one of those traditional women who has just followed her husband around." I thought to myself, maybe this woman does need to expand her horizons a bit. You see, my teacher may have intuitively sensed that this woman needed to have a break from the painting. That is how fucking brilliant he is.

Baby poop on blogs

Yesterday, I received a delightful email from an associate about the birth of his daughter. However, the happy e-birth announcement contained a link to the dreaded baby blog -- actually, the mommy blog. It contained fascinating accounts of the baby's facial expressions as she poops. I have some advice and questions for all those parent bloggers out there:

1) Other people's baby's poop is not interesting reading. I'm interested in my own poop, and my cat's poop. Beyond that, I'm not really interested in poop. I recommend that poop discussions stick close to home.
2) Infant behaviour is not that interesting. Start blogging when the babe starts developing more. Put the infant stuff in a BABY BOOK, if you must. Remember those books? Those things your mom stuck a little lock of your hair in? Or, perhaps there was no account of your babyhood anywhere...
3) Imagine your baby as a teenager, reading your blog. How would she/he feel? Think about it.
4) Imagine your baby as an adult on a therapist's couch with his/her laptop, referring to your blog. Imagine the therapist saying, "Yes, clearly, this is where it all started."
5) Readers of parent blogs tend to be more interested in how the parents are doing. So--how are you doing?