Finding shagging opportunities over the holidays can be difficult, particularly if you are not in your own home, but staying with relatives. Here are some possible ways to get some action over the holidays, and tips for making the experience as pleasant as possible.
1) Feign illness, and stay home when others go out. Have your shagging partner (or electronic device) ready to go.
2) Scope out all areas of the home. Are there places no one goes? Are there places that are relatively soundproof? Are there doors with locks? Would it be easy to install a small lock? Is the place large and comfortable enough not to cause strain or injury?
3) Make sure you are equipped with all the extras or accessories you need before dragging your shagging partner to, say, the boiler room. Be strategic.
4) Offer to babysit. Put the kids to bed very early, and tell them that Santa won't come if they get out of bed.
5) Go easy on the rich foods. Excessive eggnog, too many shortbread cookies, and even trace amounts of fruitcake, do not lend themselves to shagging of any kind.
6) Get some light outdoor exercise, like a short cross-country ski, or a bit of snow shovelling. This can limber you up nicely for some action.
7) Indulge in a massage or a facial.
8) Don't spend long periods of time in a mall. Very very bad for the libido.
9) Get a hotel room if necessary.
10) Stay hydrated.
6 comments:
Ooohhh! Shag-a-delic, baby! Loving these tips, Ags.
You could also add: drink yourself blotto, and then you won't care whether you shag in front of the whole world, or not. No need for the boiler room, then.
Tell us more about this, Harmony. Sounds interesting, especially the in front of the whole world part. Drinking myself blotto has never led to anything really good (when I'm in the blotto state); however, it can lead to a lowering of inhibitions, which can sometimes result in a nice flow of mojo, which can open doors to good future shagging. Instead of "blotto", I recommend a pleasant, light buzz overlaying a solid nutritional base.
Aggie, clearly you have some unmet shagging needs which bubble up to the surface during the holiday season.
Have you considered finding a shagging partner who is not currently staying with relatives and who could therefore provide something just as private as a boiler room, but with a few more amenities?
What about the guy who loved your Risk-pink sweater? He even made a special point of telling you he had a home!
Well, OK, in front of the whole world might be a BIT excessive. But many of us have been to office parties, etc, where two people get drunk and maul eachother in front of everyone, not caring who sees: their boss, their spouse, etc. That's what I was referring to.
Good nutritional tips, btw. I'll be eating lots of olives with my martinis this year.
Oh yes, we've all seen this scenario. Olives -- yes, or, even better, just a twist of lemon. Stay away from the fruitcake.
Say, Aggie, I'd say this is an occasion where you might want to think "inside" the box.
As in large cartons, cupboards, washrooms...
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