Boxing Day

Day of napping. Day of eating leftovers: ham, turkey, tortiere, butter cookies, nuked stuffing and gravy, olives, rolls, wine. Day of more napping. Day of playing with toys.

Conversation I had with a 4-year old today:

Me: Can I play with some of your toys?
Kid: You can play with whatever you want. Just don't bother me. I'm really busy.

I like this kid.

Merry, Merry....

Long story, but my Christmas started in a Moncton Emergency Room. I wasn't the one with the emergency, but was resentfully accompanying the victim. In the end, I felt a bit guilty about my questions and comments as we drove to the ER: "Are you sure you can't just suck it up for Christmas dinner?" and "You know that using the Emergency room is a massive tax on the system, blah blah blah". Not very Christmas spirity at all. Anway, turns out my sick companion has pneumonia, which sucks.

Upon arrival, the Moncton ER scene consisted of one little crying kid with a bloody hand, and another guy with a bloody hand who seemed to think that showing his hand gash to the little kid would make him feel better. It didn't. Among the other waiting room victims was a woman with a bashed-in face accompanied by her son. She said she tripped and fell into a table. In lovely Moncton French, she told me, "J'ai cassE un bone dans ma face." That really sucks.

Then, we went to the pharmacy to get the drugs. My victim met an aquaintance in front of him at the prescription counter who was also a sickly grey colour, and who parted with his own drugs, saying "I hope you don't die. That would suck!" which my victim thought was completely inappropriate, and I agreed. A simple, "Merry Christmas" would have been adequate.

The day has improved significantly. Hope you are all having a healthy holiday, and doing your best to stay out of emergency rooms.

Toblerone Fudge recipe that my sister-in-law makes

My sister-in-law made this fudge, and it is really really really good. Only four ingredients.

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup evaporated milk
1 bar (400g) Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate, broken into pieces

Line 8-inch square pan with parchment paper, with ends of paper extending over sides of pan. Put it aside. Dump sugar, butter and evaporated milk in large heavy saucepan.

Bring to full rolling boil on medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil 5 min., stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

Add chocolate, and stir until completely melted. Pour it all into prepared pan. Refrigerate 3 hours or until firm. Remove fudge from pan, using parchment paper handles. Cut into 25 squares. Keep fudge in tightly covered container in the refrigerator.

Christmas lethargy

Christmas lethargy has set in. I can no longer shop. I can no longer make cushions. I can no longer drink eggnog. It's not even Christmas yet, and I just feel like settling in for a long winter's nap... I've tried coffee. I've tried light exercise. I've tried sleep. Still, my energy level is tanking. Maybe it's a vitamin deficiency. Maybe I'm ill. Maybe I'm having a mental health crisis. Maybe I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm yawning. My eyes are in a constant squint.

Kick-ass Shortbread Cookies

Only three ingredients:

4 cups of flour
1 cup of icing sugar
A pound of butter (How can you go wrong?)

Mix ingredients. Be prepared to work the dough.

Roll into balls. Put the balls on a cookie sheet and press them down with a fork.

Bake them at 350 for 7 minutes.

Optional: You can stick some of those candied cherries onto the cookies using icing as glue.

Also optional: You can go to the Dollar Store and get some little tins. Put the cookies in the tins and give them as gifts.

Santa is Watching

I love my sister-in-law. This morning she was at the end of her tether with her almost 4-year-old, and she pulled out the infamous Santa line that parents have used for centuries: "Santa is watching, and noting who is being cooperative and who isn't." The response was, "No, he isn't" to which my sister-in-law responded, "Yes, Santa sees everything. He is watching you all the time." Then, the child became cooperative. The line works.
It is a shame we can't use the Santa line to other adults when they are being uncooperative or assholes or uncooperative assholes.

Seeking Shagging Opportunities (the holiday edition)

Finding shagging opportunities over the holidays can be difficult, particularly if you are not in your own home, but staying with relatives. Here are some possible ways to get some action over the holidays, and tips for making the experience as pleasant as possible.

1) Feign illness, and stay home when others go out. Have your shagging partner (or electronic device) ready to go.
2) Scope out all areas of the home. Are there places no one goes? Are there places that are relatively soundproof? Are there doors with locks? Would it be easy to install a small lock? Is the place large and comfortable enough not to cause strain or injury?
3) Make sure you are equipped with all the extras or accessories you need before dragging your shagging partner to, say, the boiler room. Be strategic.
4) Offer to babysit. Put the kids to bed very early, and tell them that Santa won't come if they get out of bed.
5) Go easy on the rich foods. Excessive eggnog, too many shortbread cookies, and even trace amounts of fruitcake, do not lend themselves to shagging of any kind.
6) Get some light outdoor exercise, like a short cross-country ski, or a bit of snow shovelling. This can limber you up nicely for some action.
7) Indulge in a massage or a facial.
8) Don't spend long periods of time in a mall. Very very bad for the libido.
9) Get a hotel room if necessary.
10) Stay hydrated.

Boring Aggie Update

This one will be in point form, because I'm feeling point-formish.

1) I have been off-line for a few days, and it was nice, but I did feel there was something missing in my life.
2) I'm not at odds with Christmas this year. Am participating in family functions, attempting baking projects, crafting and shopping. I even made a shopping plan for tomorrow, complete with maps and charts.
3) My bank card was "compromised", according to my bank, which meant an hour and a half at the counter getting it sorted out. The teller thought that the card was probably not really compromised, but that the bank thought it was because I had used it in various places across the country. Don't people travel this time of year? Am I supposed to inform my bank when I go somewhere?
4) No shagging happening here. Difficult to find shagging opportunities when you are on a futon or sofa in your family members' homes. I know you are thinking that a true shagger would seek opportunities in unexpected places. I'm trying to think outside the box here. Ha!
5) There is no fifth thing.

Seeking Christmas solutions

I had a conversation at a cocktail party the other day that went like this:

Me: How are you doing?

Him: Great. You know, it's great to be able just to relax and wind down this time of year.

Me: What? Most people are out of their minds this time of year. Relax and wind down? People are filling the psych wards.
Good for you, buddy!

Him: Thanks.

Maybe this guy was lying. Or, maybe he genuinely does wind down this time of year, and lets others create the whole beautiful bourgeois bubble of Christmas atmosphere around him.

I've spoken to a number of folks this year who are dreading Christmas, and here are some of their reasons why - pretty standard ones, I might add.

1) Not in a relationship - the dreaded Christmas alone.
2) Partner died and dealing with first Christmas without person.
3) In a dysfunctional relationship - a relationship that might squeak through New Year's, but just barely.
4) Invasion by obnoxious in-laws.
5) Hating one's own family.

I have a question to pose to my readers. Can you put forward some solutions for people dreading Christmas -- solutions that can shift the mindset that Christmas is only successful if we are holding hands with loved ones around a Christmas tree. Or, solutions that offer some creative alternatives to the whole fucking deal. Of course, crafting and drinking are the obvious solutions...

The yin and the ying

Things that are going well:
The pillows, the crafts. All good. I am a sewing maniac.

Things that are not going well:
My passport application. I know. I know. You thought I had dealt with that situation. I didn't even blog about this because I was too embarassed. But here goes: I lost my passport application TWICE. Then, I re-did the whole thing, and managed to find an old passport - not my last passport, an older one. The missing document that I need, however, is my Canadian Citizenship certificate -- which I have LOST! Today, I was told that this takes 6 months to process, but that if I send in the application, and actually buy a plane ticket, I may be able to travel before 6 months. Or, maybe not.

Accomplishment of the Day

Tiana's prize (from one of the many ESI contests) is finished, almost ready for display and delivery.

Christmas Angst

Today someone asked me if I had my shopping done. No, I don't. Other Ottawa bloggers seem to have their shit together. Jo Stockton has a complicated diagram system that enables her to efficiently get in a store, get the gift, and get out-- all with relative ease and precision. Andrea has all her shopping done, and got really cool stuff for people on Etsy. Zoom is busy collecting brilliant ideas on how to have a quick and easy minimalist Christmas. What have I done, you ask? Nothing. I have made a couple of pillows. I cannot possibly produce enough pillows to give everyone a pillow unless I start my own sweatshop.

Another Cushion

I just learned how to add a pom pom fringe to a cushion, and am liking it a lot. The pillow design is a variation on the traditional log cabin quilting style.

Fabric Karma

I really hate all the New Age shite about how you just have to think positive thoughts, and you can make yourself thin, rich, and happy. I loathe The Secret and everything it stands for. Friends have told me that I need to relax - there are some good little gems in there, and they are probably right. But, there might be some good little gems in Mein Kampf, too. Still, the overall message is a dangerous load of white over-privileged crap.
Anyway, that little preamble is just to say that if I did believe in The Secret, I would think that the box of high-quality fabric pieces that was just given to me was because I had been putting positive fabric messages out into the universe.

Things I'm Thinking This Week

1) I don't care what the difference is between a FUNwall and SUPERwall, and am wondering how people are accomplishing anything these days with the Facebook distraction. Wouldn't it be funny if Facebook addiction was the thing that brought capitalism down?

2) Enthusiasm can take you far, and can even sometimes disguise slightly shoddy work.

3) Powerpoint should offer the following warning if you have the 2007 version, and you are saving your presentation: "Are you sure you want to save it in 2007? Do you know that you could be fucked if you try to open it with 2003/4?

4) How many pillows can I make before Christmas? Should I just go on Etsy and buy there?

5) There is no fifth thing.

Counselling

A conversation I just had:

Person: So, I've just decided I have to go see a counsellor.
Me: That's great!!!
Person: Why is that?
Me: Because, you were MADE for counselling.

I'm not sure this was the appropriate thing to say (pretty sure, NOT!), but I do think this particular person is really made for counselling.

So, what kind of person do I think is good for counselling?

1) some level of intelligence
2) anxiety, but trying to hold it all together, and still "performing"
3) motivated to change shit
4) totally fucking aware
5) there is no fifth thing.

I'm sure everyone was made for counselling. But some people may be more life coachy, or just ok talking to their hair dresser, or ok just taking the pills, or better off hanging out in the bar. And then, there are some people who are just made for counselling.

Solid Advice from Manny Blue

The magnificent, Manny Blue, one of the Holograms in the paradigm-shifting band, Astronaut Love Triangle, has given me some solid advice about how to be more productive -- without the use of coffee beans. Here are her recommendations:

Getting some exercise before starting to work
Working in natural light. I've learned to get all my ideas down in the daytime while sitting in natural light (luckily I have a window at work)
Writing my outline and ideas down on paper by hand - adding diagrams, notes, etc. Later I use my handwritten notes to guide me and keep me on track as I type out the report, etc.
No coffee (tea's OK) and no junk food - it just makes my attention issues worse
Fresh fruit on hand - a variety is important to me
Water... lots of it
Rewards! I write 10 sentences and I get to... (insert whatever works for you)
Walking around and speaking my ideas out loud... quickly sitting down and writing them down or typing them (I don't do this one at work)
Headphones with music. It blocks out the world and I can tap my foot to the beat. If my foot is busy with the tune, I don't get as distracted. Maybe the part of my brain that gets distracted needs to be doing something (this one really works for me)
Writing whatever comes to me (no second guessing), then setting the work aside for an hour or so... then going back to it to edit
Printing my work and editing from print (an editor told me this trick - he never edits from electronic copies... always the print)

I follow some of these guidelines already, except for the staying healthy part -- paying attention to what I eat, exercise, etc... This is what I am working on now. Manny, thanks for the inspiration!

The Coffee Bean Situation (CBS) over here...

I've decided that I'm making up for Megan's coffee abstinence over here -- in a rather serious way. I keep saying to myself, "I will not keep doing this... I will not keep doing this..." behind clenched and jittery teeth. And yet, those beans have continued to keep me going, and going, and going. Today, though, I almost barfed, and I have come to realize that I need to slow down. Just slow down on the beans, as Zoom so wisely suggested.

Motivation

First of all, I want to thank you all for the motivation. You have all helped me, in your own special ways. Here are some motivational messages I received "off the blog":

"Congratulations! You are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."

"We can't solve problems by using the same the kind of thinking we used when we created them." (My friend informed me that this is Einstein breaking out of the confines of the old folk-expression -"You made your bed, now go lie in it").

"Then, I got this massive jumble of wonderful motivation-goodness from another friend:
IT'S NOT A VISION IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT ALREADY. reach for the stars. YOU CAN DO IT. don't let the bastards get you down. IF YOU BELIEVE IT, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. never retreat, never explain, never apologize - get the thing done and let them howl. IF I CAN'T DANCE, I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR REVOLUTION."

Nice, eh? I am doing ok. I'm currently in a Montreal public library that seems to be housing every single Montrealer with a mental health challenge. I've moderated the coffee-bean intake. Moving forward.

Update on Writing Hell

1) I've eaten an entire bag of ginger snaps. Sweet, little heart-shaped, spelt gingersnaps that I purchased at Boushey's on Elgin Street for a small fortune. Highly recommended.

2) I am making some progress, although I am still unsure if completion of the project is possible. My writing coach suggested that this may be a good opportunity throw my debilitating perfectionism to the wind once and for all.

3) I am doing the chocolate-covered coffee bean thing -- which actually is not too bad as an ADD medication.

4) I am demanding encouragement from everyone. That includes you. Please send me your best motivational messages.

5) There is no fifth thing.