Recovering from

1) my class yesterday in which a New Agey woman was invited as a guest speaker, and, as an exercise, forced us to stare into to the eyes of a partner (another student, a stranger), for 3 minutes while she played a sappy song about love. You are wondering what I am studying? So am I!
2) an ESI Emergency Meeting in which difficult, and groundbreaking stuff was discussed. See minutes posted on ESI blog soon.
3) a late night Facebook "conversation" that reminded me why Facebook is......bad.
4) a cat jumping on my head and sucking my hair in the middle of the night.
5) there is no fifth thing.

Meditation Accessories

The fun part of getting involved with a new religion is the shopping opportunities. There are so many delightful meditation accessories. For example, I have decided I need a magenta zafu, like the one above. I also need a meditation shawl, of course, in a colour that matches the zafu. A mala, one of those funky beaded bracelets would be nice to have, too. I also want a singing bowl because they are just too cool.

Sand-free Zen Gardens

Sand is messy. Sand belongs in litter boxes. A gust of wind can blow sand all over your desk. It can end up in your sandwich. Very unpleasant.

Industrial Walk Along the Lachine Canal, Montreal

Purchased: One Singer Sewing Machine - $50

Yesterday, I went furniture shopping. Even though, I am homeless, I decided that it would be nice to have my own desk, since I am trying to study and be a student. So, I walked into a second-hand place on the Plateau Montreal and immediately saw my machine. My companion pointed out that I had come to find a desk, not a sewing maching, but then I showed him how the machine could be folded down, and easily turned into a desk. In other words, it is two for the price of one!

Now, I am looking for an EASY on-line crazy quilt course. I found this one, but it looks a bit complicated with all the fussy hand stitching. I prefer a quick and dirty approach.

Why are Academics so Damn Wanky?

First of all, apologies to all of you who find the shift from meditation to rant too jarring....
As many of you know, I have gone back to school part-time. Why you ask? To learn. To be a smarter person. I am hoping that my studies don't lead me to become a complete wanker - or more of a wanker than I already am. Today I was particularly struck by how irritating academics are, and what total fucking wankers they are when they write.

For example, in postmod circles now, it is considered good form to situate oneself in the text. Why do I find this so annoying? After all, I blog. Blogging is a very postmodern activity. I situate myself in the centre of a written piece all the time. So, why should this be a problem for me? Here is an example of what I hate. Please help me understand why it annoys me so ... much!

"I identify myself as a White male university professor living and working in the relative ease and comfort of a G8 country. As an anarchist raised in a working-class family I have encountered a certain amount of disrespect and rejection by my intellectual 'superiors', but I know that my own socialization and the racist and patrarchal norms that permeate the academic world make it relatively easy for me to stay in the game. The same goes for my sexuality. Although I find that my desire exceeds the boundaries of mainstream hetersexual practices, I have a long-term female partner and two children -- so again, I mostly pass. All this to say: my struggles with oppression arise mostly from the need to challenge my own racim, heterosexism and classism, and to find more effective ways to be in solidarity with those who experience the debilitating effects of these apparatuses of division every day and night throughout their lives."


Interesting how academics LOVE to exploit the working-class family thing. And, an "anarchist raised in a working-class family" to boot.

This guy is so straight. "My desire exceeds the boundaries of mainstream hetersexual practices." Face it buddy, you're a wanker! Since you are situating yourself here, why not just say the following: "I am a really straight guy who wanks off a lot."

And, the last bit. Holy self-referential wanking! His struggles with oppression arise out of.... his own struggles?

Am I being too hard on this guy? I think I need to get back to the Buddhists.

Word of the Day: Tonglen

It's a Tibetan word, and I learned it last evening in my meditation group. Here is the Wikipedia definition.

Now, I will share the exercise I learned to cultivate tonglen. This practise, I learned, has all kind of good benefits, like keeping you physically and mentally healthy. Apparently, thinking about yourself too much makes you sick. Think about that one, bloggers!

O.K. Get into the meditation position. Sit up straight. Relax. Breathe through your nose. Now, think about someone you know who is suffering. Imagine her suffering face. Think about her suffering until you feel touched. That is compassion you are feeling, by the way. Then, imagine thick, black smoke coming out of that suffering person. That's all her suffering coming out. Suck in that black smoke through your heart chakra, then breath it out again. Visualize white light coming out with your breath. Then, visualize what that suffering person looks like with her suffering removed. Rinse and repeat.

Three (no Four!) Great Places in Montreal

I have a few guidelines I try to adhere to loosely when exploring a city. They are as follows:
1)don't spend a lot unless it is something you need.
2)wear sensible footwear.
3)try to walk as much as you can -- this way you really get to know the lay of the land.
4)stop often on benches or in cafes to take in the atmosphere. Arm yourself with a notebook or light reading material. Don't carry too much stuff, though.
5)collect cards at places you like, so that you will remember where they are.
6)be bold, and ask locals about good places to go. Don't talk to strangers who look like they might be ax-murderers, or sellers of some sort.

I followed my guidelines yeseterday, and discovered THREE (no FOUR!)great places in Montreal, that could fill up to 5 hours, depending how long you like to linger in places.

Place #1: Start at the Nocochi Cafe Patisserie on Mackay St. It's a beautiful cafe -- minimalist, long white couches with little square colourful cushions, and tiny little pastries lined up like ammunition on the glass counter. The regular coffee here is delicious.

Place #2: Musee des Beaux Arts . This seems like an obvious one, right? It is just around the corner from the Nochochi on Sherbrooke. You don't, I repeat, don't have to visit the place from top to bottom. I recommend using the very clean, spacious washrooms. Then, go to look at the free stuff in the permanent collection. Check out Riopelle's work in the Contemporary Art Section. Don't overdo it. Now, go sit on a bench.

Place #3: After the Musee des Beaux Arts, you need to walk down Sherbrooke, past McGill and all that, then turn left on Avenue Parc. Walk just a little bit, and you will find the paper, notebook store of your dreams: Nota Bene. I cannot even describe how I felt when I walked into this place. The store is jammed wih the entire Moleskin collection, and other stunning notebooks of all shapes and sizes; German-engineered pens and other gorgeous implements; and the folders! Tears welled up when I entered this store, and the store owner assured me, 'It's O.K. You are in your safe space here.' In addition to being a store, it's an art gallery. The owner offers space upstairs for FREE to local artists.

Place #4: : More walking, lots of walking now to St. Laurent. Keep walking. You are hungry now. You smell chicken. You follow the smell. You are in Coco Rico now, a Portugese rotisserie at 3907 Saint-Laurent Boulevard. You buy an entire chicken.

Fall Colours

I am trying out some new fall colours here on the blog.

Crazy quilts and Crosspatch

Wanted: one used sewing machine that works. Nothing fancy.

One of my goals during my year of non-work is to make a crazy quilt. What inspired me to do this was a visit to the Beaverbrook Gallery in Fredericton where I saw on exhibit that included stunning quilts made by artist, Jennifer Beckley. One quilt that particularly stood out for me was a pink nightie with the arms cut out, surrounded by grey men's dress pants, including pockets and buttons. None of her works are perfectly square or centred, so this gives me the illusion that it is something I can do, and that whatever I decide to stitch together is fine.

Word of the day: Crosspatch. I bet you thought it had something to do with quilting, eh?

Friday morning bed blog

I am not out of bed yet, and it seems to be one of those days you wake up and ask yourself, "Am I sick, or do I just need a shower and a cup of coffee? I have woken up queasy, and no I'm not pregnant.
An update of the week in no particular order:
1) I am a student again, and although I am the oldest in my classes (over 30, as Urban has pointed out) I have made friends. I have made a concerted effort to learn names, and have found that the business people are right about this one -- people do like the sound of their own names.
2) I found the 16-month pocket-size weekly moleskin planner I was looking for at the Pinecrest Chapters. A nice collection there. Now, I feel ready to move forward. Amazing how much hope a mere planner can give you.
3) I have decided to learn and blog a new word every day. I want to start expanding my vocabulary and stop saying fuck. It's not nice. My word of today is cabal, which I think is a really good word, and one that would work nicely in a sentence with Elgin Street Irregulars. I would link you to a full definition of cabal, but the link button doesn't seem to be working this morning.

Meditation

I have just started a meditation course which is offered for FREE by the friendly Buddhists in one of the neighbourhoods I currently live. It occurred to me that Buddhism is in fact a religion, as I watched the lead meditation dude genuflect three times in front of a huge, gold motherf-ing statue of Buddha. I thought to myself - Self, you need another religion like you need a hole in your head. Then, I convinced myself that I could just take advantage of the practice and all its relaxing benefits. And, it's free.
Meditation lesson number one: Focus on the breath. Feel the sensation of air in your nostrils. Focus on your breath, but don't try to control your breath, because you don't need to unless you are on a respirator. Inhale. Imagine white light coming into you. That's Buddha! It's all good, positive energy and vibes and all that. Exhale. Imagine black smoke and bile coming out. Yuck. That's all the bad stuff on its way out.

Weddings

I have never been a fan of weddings because most of them are tacky, sappy, gag-me-with-a-spoon affairs that leave me cynical and depressed. I attended one on the weekend that contained many of these elements. The bride wore a huge cream puff of a dress, and the groom was dressed like Lancelot. A low point for me was when I noticed that my place setting name card was in fact the business card of the bride. I am wondering if this is the latest thing in the wedding industry. Getting married? What a great opportunity to network! Fuck.
However, there were two great things about this wedding that I will acknowledge. The first was the reunion of a cover band that hadn't played together for more than a decade, featuring the groom on bass, still in Knight's costume. They did some memorable tunes like Funkytown and Respect that had all generations out of their seats and shaking their booties like crazy. The other great thing was that a second meal was served at the end of the night -- pulled pork, cole slaw and baked potatoes - to provide a good stomach buffer for all the drinking. I thought that was a lovely touch.

What are you supposed to do?

I have come to realize that there are a lot of everyday situations that I do not know how to handle. One is this one: what are you supposed to do when you see a deer grazing peacefully on the side of the road?
a) honk like crazy to scare the deer back into the woods.
b) pull over and chase the deer back into the woods.
c) drive by and do nothing.
d) call the cops.
e) none of the above.

End-of-week reflections

I am currently: not working, living in two cities, taking two courses, thinking about travelling from January to March.
Today I am: reuniting with my cat, buying books for my classes, raising a glass to Pavarotti, having lunch with a friend who calls himself a "rock artist" -- rock as in stone, not rock 'n roll.
Things I am struggling with: finding the perfect weekly planner. (Not having one is creating chaos in my life). I wanted the 18-month weekly pocket-size moleskin, but they are sold out everywhere. Starting an exercise program that I can reasonably follow.
Things I am doing this weekend: spending quality time with my cat, attending someone's second wedding -- and although it is a second wedding, there will be all the crap and ceremony associated with a first wedding, including the white fluffy dress. Sleeping.
Questions I am contemplating: When someone makes a point of telling you "I am happy," why is this suspect?

Trying to be Healthy and Organized

They say that September is a time to get healthy and get organized. Bob is quitting smoking. David Scrimshaw has posted student lifehacks. I am sure that the elusive 5th Muse is out there somewhere getting healthy, too. Everyone is doing it. Here are some things I am currently doing to get healthy:
1) I am drinking a touch less wine.
2) I am preparing meals that are colourful and delicious.
3) I am minimizing the smoke I take into my lungs.
4) I have started walking an hour a day.
5) I have started thinking about my future exercise routine which has not yet been established.
6) I am reading books about health, such as the bestseller by Elizabeth Gilbert called Eat, Pray, Love. (I thoroughly enjoyed the book up to the part when she left Italy and stopped writing about food).
7) I am joining a meditation group, because it is supposed to be good for your mind.
8) I am sleeping, because they say that is a healthy thing to do, too.
9) I am taking supplements, so I won't be deficient.
10) I am thinking about how to get organized, because they say that external clutter leads to internal chaos.

Lessons learned recently

1) When giving a hairdresser freedom to do anything with your hair, it's good to point out that you aren't open to having a mullet (is this how you spell it?)
2) Staying at your parents' place for more than 3 consecutive days may not be a good idea unless you really want to go back into therapy.
3) Pad Thai may not be the same Pad Thai you think you is, and that is ok.
4) It's not a good idea to visit a friend with 3 young kids in the late afternoon/pre-suppertime hours.
5) Don't download "Rainy Day Woman" as your ring tone. Some people find the "everyone must get stoned" line offensive, especially if you don't know how to lower the volume of your ring tone.
6) Just say no to homemade wine.
7) Rocks make excellent, inexpensive gifts.
8) Homemade jams, jellies and chutneys also make excellent gifts.
9) Stay hydrated.
10) Keep your things together. Don't scatter.

More stream-of-consciousness

Being on vacation for so long has made me so unstructured that all I can do is stream-of-consciousness blogging. My apologies to those of you who need structure.
Here is today's SOC: Naps are good and an excellent afternoon activity. People should invest in good guest beds. I will make a note to do this in the future. Paintings by Salvador Dali are cool even if you don't like Salvador Dali. I want to learn how to make crazy quilts. Do I even need to learn, or do I just need a sewing machine? I may need a quilting coach. I think I need a dog, but not now. I'm collecting homemade jams and chutneys in a kind of obsessive way. I've got a pottery person interested in the zen garden concept, but she thinks sand might be important, but not the rake. She feels a stick would do. I agree.

Stream-of-Consciousness Update

A quick stream-of-consciousness update here, folks:
First, I'm loving the not working thing. I am reading a lot, and trying not to kill off
too many brain cells. Doing minimal exercise. Planning to ramp it up a bit this fall in that respect. I've decided I dislike homemade wine. I am enjoying buying lots of flashy second-hand clothes at Frenchy's stores (fabulous second-hand clothing places on the east coast). I want to take up quilting. I've decided I'm very very happy not to be 20 or anywhere near 20. I've become obsessed with making sand-free zen gardens. Fuck the sand. Llamas are freaky animals, but I can relate to them. More to follow. I'm being summoned by a toddler.

Blogation

I am going on vacation, including a blog vacation, folks. Lots of interesting things coming up this fall because:

I will be not working
I will be homeless
I will be travelling
I will be in a perpetual state of transition
I will be exploring creative pursuits

No doubt, there will be plenty of dysfunction to blog about, too, so come back and see me in September.

xxxxxxx

Car Purchase Issues

I'm trying to buy a car - a private sale. The seller wants the car until Aug. 8 because that's when she's leaving the country. I need the car by July 26rd because that's when I'm pulling out of town. I said I was flexible for a day or two, and would be interested in paying the listed price for the car. The seller looked into rental cars, and figures it would cost up to $700 to rent a car for the period from July 26th to Aug. 8th, and now is saying she would like to tack this amount onto the original price of the car.
Needless to say, I'm not liking the way this deal is going, and I'm walking away.

I need help

I need help. I don't understand how cellphones work. And, I'm breaking down and buying one of the stupid things. Why, you ask? Because in two weeks, I will be homeless. I will need a "place" for people to reach me. Where will that place be? My cellphone.
I just got off the phone with Rogers. I loathe Rogers. They spoke to me of 1 to 3-year contracts. I told them I didn't want to be in any contract with Rogers for more than a year. So, as I understand it, there is 1) the contract, and 2) the plan. I asked what the contract gave me, and, as I understood it, it gives me nothing but the privilege of using Rogers. The plans are too complicated for me to even begin to understand. I just want a phone I can use with a fun ring tone. For me, that will be the only good thing about this new purchase. I'm thinking a BeeGees ring tone.
Help. Please, someone, explain cell phones to me, and how I can get a fun ring tone.

I know I'm boring you with all the Facebook crap, but....

Joel Plaskett is now my friend. Snooty Sarah Harmer is not.

To Buy a Car or Not to Buy

In a previous post, I mentioned that I didn't want to buy a car. I had lots of good reasons. After making this decision, friends lent me a very large American car, which I am still using, and which I love in a kind of sick way. This loan is coming to an end in a week, and I will be carless once again.
The problem is that in two weeks, I need to transport my cat a very long distance for 5 weeks, and would like to have a car during that period. Renting a car this long is costly. And, there are vehicules I can borrow during this 5-week period. So, the question comes down to this: should I purchase a vehicule for my cat?

Post Facebook Rejection and Meditations on Bluesfest

I'm still wounded from all the celebrities who have rejected me on Facebook. Oh well. At least, Justin Trudeau is still my friend. He is at home right now, by the way, in case you were wondering. Yesterday, to make myself feel better from all the rejection, I decided to spend the afternoon watching Wimbleton and Under-20-year olds playing soccer at Irene's with a pretty hardcore group of drinkers. Then, I went out on the street, thinking I could buy a cheap ticket to see the Under-20-year-olds play soccer in person. Wrong. $100 a ticket. Then, I went to the Bluesfest and heard George Thorogood do his BBBBBad song and some Chinese DJ kid who uses a flipchart as part of his schtick. Today, I have a kind of hit-by-a-truck feeling which I attribute to 1) rejection 2) alcohol 3) bar food 4) the Bluesfest.
I don't like the new Bluesfest. It feels too big and overwhelming. I can't walk there easily. It's spread out all over the place. I did love the Bob Dylan show, even though I barely saw him, and, as one Facebooker noted, he looked like he had to pee badly as he squirmed around behind the little keyboard. I guess he wasn't very nice, not even participating in the Blues in the Schools program thingy, but I don't care. I love him. I love Bob, but am not happy with the Bluesfest this year.

Facebook Rejections

So far, it seems I've been rejected by:

Rick Mercer
Sarah Harmer
Jian Ghomeshi
George Stroumboulopoulos
Judy Rebick

Desperately Seeking Desperate Celebrities

Here is a conversation I had today on Facebook:

Me: I tried to friend up with Rick Mercer, but I think he rejected me.

My Facebook Friend: He has very particular tastes, apparement. Try Jian Ghomeshi or someone desperate like that.

Me: Yes, I guess I'll have to just settle for the desperate celebrity-types

Meeting Famous Ottawa Bloggers

Meeting bloggers in the flesh is exciting, but can be disarming. Without our blog personas, some of us feel naked.
On the weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting Megan and her paramour, as well as the famous, Zoom, at a Canada Day Brunch. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting all of them, although I found myself feeling all nervous and shy at the beginning. Megan is Ottawa's finest erotic writer. And, her beardless paramour is as wonderful as Megan describes. For example, the man shared a black coffee with her because there was only one coffee left, and, Megan drinks black coffee. This is the kind of guy we are talking about here.
I was struck by Zoom's energy. Her blog is energetic and so is her real-life persona. Go Zoom go!
I hope there will be more opportunities to meet these folks outside the blogosphere. But now, back to Facebook!!

Facebook Celebrity Friend

Justin Trudeau and I are now friends.

Facebook Mission Statement

Today at a delightful Canada Day brunch, I was asked what my Facebook goals were. I realized that I completely lacked any kind of vision or direction for my activities on Facebook. So, I have done some reflecting on the matter, and here is my mission statement:

I will use Facebook for the purpose of understanding it as a medium for human communication, as a lazy person's pick-up tool, as a creepy mechanism for activating one's inner voyeur. While examining these facets of Facebook, I intend to accumulate as many celebrity friends as I can; to download as many inane applications as I can find; and, to avoid addictive Facebook behaviours.

Advantages of being on the no-fly list

I would like to be on a no-fly list. How do I get on the list?
In certain situations, it would be fun to say, "I'm sorry. I can't go. I'm on the no-fly list." Or, in other situations, it would be fun to say, "I'll be there, but it will take a week or two because I'm on the no-fly list."
Here are just a few of the many advantages of being on the no-fly list:

1) no more crappy airline food (if they give you anything at all)
2) no more airport security
3) no more airport tax
4) no more mean airport people
5) more train travel
6) more cruises
7) fewer visits to the tropical medicine clinic
8) more time relaxing at home
9) cachet of being able to announce at a cocktail party, "Yes, well, before I was on the no-fly list, blah blah blah..."
10) knowing you won't die in a plane crash

Advice for those going to family reunions

I love my family. As individuals, they are delightful, young and old. However, when my family comes together for a reunion, things have traditionally broken down. We're a highly sensitive bunch, so there can be a lot of hurt feelings, latent hostility and ISSUES just ready to rise to the surface. At our last family reunion, we had a couple of family members running crying into the forest. We'd be a good cast for a Woody Allen film.

OK here's some family reunion advice. I'd love to have more:

1) Have some kind of escape vehicule. Never go to a family reunion without a functioning car.
2) Before you go, tell your family how busy you are. Bring your laptop in case you need to hide somewhere and "work".
3) Bring medication.
4) Bring alcohol.
5) Go to your happy place.
6) Make sure your sleeping quarters will be in a room with a door that closes. If it's not, check yourself into the nearest motel.
7) Compile a list of relaxation techniques before you go.
8) Imagine you are Buddhist.
9) Present yourself to your family as an exercise freak and go for long runs.
10) Make a post-reunion appointment with your therapist.

Why Facebook is the devil's tool...

1) Facebook creates false intimacy with people who are not your real friends. People who would never have the balls to send you an email feel free to facebook you shamelessly throughout the work day.
2) Facebook generates social anxiety.
3) Facebook allows people who are not clear on boundaries to spew their crap out for all the world to see. A further note on this one--- At least a blog allows a certain depth. Facebook users, on the other hand, can spew out only the thinnest veneer of crap. This is because Facebook has the depth of toddler wading pool before the water's been put in. (Apologies for the crap/toddler imagery).
4) Facebook is highly addictive, particularly for the OCD types. I'm sure it will soon be banned from all workplaces.
5) There is no fifth reason.

On a more positive note, I just love the Facebook status profile feature. I think it's the best part of the whole fucking interface.

Metallic shorts

I am having a mid-life crisis. I just bought a pair of metallic bermuda shorts. They were on sale. Who knows what's next. Stay tuned.

Cyber-stalking

I'm currently cyber-stalking a former professor of mine whose bones I considered jumping many moons ago. I didn't at the time. There were others involved. He was my professor, after all. I saw him on the street years later, ran away and hid from him, and then later cried into a gin and tonic with a friend. This was a bad bad crush that left me with lots of regrets.

In the past couple of years, I decided to cyber-stalk him. This is what I've found out so far:

1) He is now a "faculbrity" at a well-known U.S. Ivy League school.
2) He is still hot.
3) He has 2 kids.
4) He divorced wife #1.
5) He divorced wife #2.
6) Divorced wife #2 is another "faculbrity" who was described on ratemyprofessor.com as "self-righteous and opinionated, but smokin' hot."
7) He now has a girlfriend he rides around on a motorcycle with.
8) He takes his kids to fun, tropical places.
9) He's published lots of stuff.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Borrowed Car Etiquette

I am still driving the borrowed the car: the very large American car, which I love in a kind of sick way. When I borrowed this car, I intended to give it back in mint condition: clean, full of gas, with a fresh oil change. To my horror yesterday, I noticed that it is missing a hubcap. I have lost of hubcap. I'm not sure how this happened. I prefer to believe that it was stolen, rather than examine my own driving technique.
I called a couple of scrapyards and they don't have one. One said he'd order me in one and it would cost $45. Another said I would have to call the dealer, and buy an entire set, which would be costly.
My question to you car people out there: where can I find a hubcap for around $10?

Using Coasters for Therapy

If you are meeting a friend in a bar, and you need props to talk about relationship issues, I recommend using coasters. You can hold them upright if they need to interact with each other. One coaster can be you (or your friend), and the other can be the paramour. To be supportive to your friend, you can talk directly to the coasters, and ask probing questions to the coasters. Or, you can do what I did, and put the coaster representing my friend down on the table and beat it with your fist.

More on stuff up for grabs

Since the Great Glebe Garage Sale, I've had a bunch of crap sitting on my porch. I came home to find this note with $5 attached to it on my door:

For the Box;
Hoping its for free,
if not email me at ...xxxxxx
Here is $5 for the box!
Thank You!!

I decided to email the person, even though the box of crap was up for grabs. Here is my email:

Dear Person who took box off my porch and gave me $5,

The box is indeed free. And, thank you for the $5, which was completely unnecessary since, as I mentioned before, the box is free.

I did want to let you know, though, that it might not be appropriate to take boxes or other items off people's porches. Generally, people place their free, up-for-grabs stuff on the curb. I'm a messy person and leave all kinds of shit lying around on my porch and in my yard. That doesn't mean I want people to take it, even if they do leave $5. So, what I'm trying to say is that when you go on people's porches, take stuff, and leave money in the door, it's a bit creepy. I thought you might appreciate the feedback.

Hope you enjoy the box of stuff. Thanks again for the $5.

Sincerely,
Agatha

stuff of mine that is up for grabs

- a lovely inkjet printer
- a thingy to hang a light from the ceiling
- plastic office organizer things
- a broken palm pilot
- a clip frame with an ugly picture inside
- various bags I`ve gotten free at conferences
- a piece of art I picked up in the garbage that you could staple a piece of fabric onto and make your own art

PUBLOG: Humphrey's on Bank Street in the Glebe

A few weeks ago, Dwarfie and I decided to check out Humphrey's on Bank (683 Bank Street near Powell) and were pleasantly surprised.

Things we liked:
1) Lovely patio set back from Bank Street.
2) Indian food ("This sag paneer is fabulous!" 4th Dwarf exclaimed. He is generally not that positive about pub food).
3) Nice casual, friendly server.

Things we didn't like as much:
1) Music was a bit too loud for our liking inside.
2) No cider, so I had to order a $9 glass of wine. They were a bit cheap on the amount of wine they poured into the glass.
3) Prices slightly higher than standard pub food.

I returned to Humphrey's for another delightful evening, this time with the dischevelled waiter, and, to our delight, there was a Beatles Cover band playing: a cute pair of moptops singing Beatles' classics. I didn't catch the name of the band, unfortunately. The song, "Rocky Raccoon" was a highlight for me.

Last weekend, during the Art in the Park event in the Glebe, they had jazz musicians playing on the patio. I like what they are doing with this place.

I'm on a mission to find other good summer patios in this city. Suggestions would be most welcome.

This week

My internet has been down.
The Sens went down.
My health went down.

I missed the Bluesfest early bird deadline. I am a late bird.

How about a few Happy Honeymoon Stories?

Over at Asteroidea Press, the very talented Megan Butcher and Jennifer Whiteford are working on a new Manners Zine. They are collecting "honeymoon horror stories." I was able to provide them with a couple, and there are plenty more where that came from.
I'm wondering if they will be collecting some happy honeymoon stories, as well... If so, I have one. Here it is:
My paramour accidentally vacuumed a pair of my knickers. He put a piece of masking tape on the vacuum cleaner and wrote on it "Aggie's panties" to remind him to retrieve them later from the vacuum bag. He never did retrieve them, but the masking tape remained, long after the relationship. Pretty sweet, eh?

Things I haven't had time to blog about

1) Hymen-replacements operations - hymenoscopies? Not sure what they're called.
2) A friend of mine (let's call him 4th Dwarf's) new schema and how it's working out.
3) My elbow injury of this weekend caused by a botched assault.
4) Meditations on getting rid of stuff.
5) How my long-distance matchmaking job is working out.
6) What I'm reading and not reading these days.
7) More about my views on baby blogs.
8) My creative activities of late.
9) Meditations on my lack of physical activity.
10) There is no tenth thing.

Items I should have sold at the Glebe Garage Sale, but didn't

1) items of MEC clothing I never wear because I hate them.
2) a car that starts, but doesn't really run.
3) my entire self-help collection.
4) my wedding ring (the one I bought after losing the first one).
5) my ink-jet printer
6) my TV and VHS player
7) ugly knick-knacks that I can't seem to rid myself of
8) my tennis racket (who am I kidding?)
9) my squash racket (who am I kidding?)
10) barely-worn brassieres that are too uncomfortable to wear

When things turn ugly in an art class

As I have mentioned a number of times, I love my art teacher. He is my dream teacher. He walks around saying brilliant things, and seems to say just the right thing at the right moment. Tonight, one of his comments to me was "The key here is to keep this thing kicky, while staying coherent." He also compared painting to writing and target practice.
While he is my dream teacher, it seems he is someone else's nightmare. One of the students in our class is a woman who hasn't seemed happy from the get-go. She was hoping for a technique class.

They got into it in our last class, and things turned ugly. She said, "You are trying to make me into an abstract painter." His response to this was, "Everything is abstract. Language is abstract. I'm not trying to make you into anything. I'm just trying to help you look at things." I thought that was a fine response. But, then things escalated quickly, and resulted in her saying something nasty about his ability as a teacher. The conversation continued to take a bad turn, and he ended up saying to her - "Maybe you should not paint." She said, "Maybe you should get a life." Then, she walked out. My dream teacher looked a bit sick and was clearly rattled. The rest of us were working quietly and intensely on our own paintings during all of this.

After class, I walked out with a fellow student who was concerned about the woman who stormed out. She said, "Painting is all she has. She's one of those traditional women who has just followed her husband around." I thought to myself, maybe this woman does need to expand her horizons a bit. You see, my teacher may have intuitively sensed that this woman needed to have a break from the painting. That is how fucking brilliant he is.

Baby poop on blogs

Yesterday, I received a delightful email from an associate about the birth of his daughter. However, the happy e-birth announcement contained a link to the dreaded baby blog -- actually, the mommy blog. It contained fascinating accounts of the baby's facial expressions as she poops. I have some advice and questions for all those parent bloggers out there:

1) Other people's baby's poop is not interesting reading. I'm interested in my own poop, and my cat's poop. Beyond that, I'm not really interested in poop. I recommend that poop discussions stick close to home.
2) Infant behaviour is not that interesting. Start blogging when the babe starts developing more. Put the infant stuff in a BABY BOOK, if you must. Remember those books? Those things your mom stuck a little lock of your hair in? Or, perhaps there was no account of your babyhood anywhere...
3) Imagine your baby as a teenager, reading your blog. How would she/he feel? Think about it.
4) Imagine your baby as an adult on a therapist's couch with his/her laptop, referring to your blog. Imagine the therapist saying, "Yes, clearly, this is where it all started."
5) Readers of parent blogs tend to be more interested in how the parents are doing. So--how are you doing?

Spam poetry

Interested in it?
Life can be better.
Get ready for this:
Sex can be one of the most enjoyable parts of your life.
Be with viagra
Right timing, right choice
Life can be better
In some ways, I find it depressing,
and in others, I find it really refreshing.
Is it true?
Life can be better.
Think about it. u will find.
Thank you all for your cooperation.

ADD posting

I haven't been able to blog coherently this week. So here is one of my ADD/random postings in list format:
1) I am irritated by iPods and secretly hope that iPod users lose them. (I saw someone today searching desperately for his lost iPod, and it made me happy. I know this is evil thinking).
2) I heard the best ring-tone ever this week: "Scotland the Brave". We applauded the women for her ring-tone, and she seemed pleased with herself.
3) My art teacher is a genius. He is able to challenge people without pissing them off. He says things like, "It's ok to display your process, but don't flaunt it." He discourages wankiness. He told one woman who was trying to paint something spiritual, to stop being so spiritual and just paint. He's the best teacher I've ever had.
4) I dislike the painting I'm working on right now. I'm painting pies -- a whole bunch of them on a table. I can't wait to finish it so I can move on to something more exciting. I'm not sure why I'm painting pies.
5) I went to a fabulous reading at Venus Envy on Wednesday and heard some famous local writers read, including Megan Butcher and Jennifer Whiteford. Jennifer read an interesting piece about the brutality of little girls. This woman knows girls! Megan read erotic poetry. I was struck by her voice - her poetic voice and her speaking voice, both of which are powerful.
6) I've stopped caring about the Sens. I know this is evil thinking, too.
7) I need a personal trainer.
8) I need acupuncture.
9) I need a massage.
10) I need a team of professionals working on me.

I have a pink cellphone

I visited an old friend this weekend who gave me a pink cellphone. The cellphone is one of those beautiful flip-up kinds. Sleek. Gorgeous. Unfortunately, this cellphone went through the wash, and no longer functions. My friend was going to throw it in the garbage until I offered to take it off her hands.
I figure there must be plenty of uses for a non-functioning pink cell phone.

Oil of Oregano and Blog Revolutions

In case you didn't know this, Oil of Oregano is the hot new "cure" for the common cold. I have a common cold right now. I won't talk about it right now because that's just boring blog material. Let's just say that I jumped on the Oil of Oregano bandwagon. I paid a ridiculous amount of money for the stuff and so far have not been cured.

I am hoping to have more interesting things to blog about soon. In the meantime, I recommend reading Megan's blog . She's changing the world, wallet by wallet. I dreamt about Megan the other night. I dreamt that it was my birthday and she decorated my car. That made me happy.

The Mysterious East folks are creating their own little revolution in N.B. over the New Brunswick Adoption Foundation's ad campaign.

These blogs are inspiring me to start my own little revolution over here.

Found: One Completed Passport Application

When: 8:15 a.m. today
Where: In a very remote, obscure, difficult-to-find part of my desk at home.

My weekend

I still have not found my passport application in spite of some weekend house cleaning/tidying. I now have a sort of sick feeling about it. The completed application not only included photos and signed stuff from my guarantor, but it also contained very important fucking documents such as my old passport and my proof of British citizenship certificate.

In addition to the passport fiasco, my other weekend disappointment was the Tulip Festival. It's no fun now that they took out the music. I went to Major's Hill Park thinking that I could taste international food for free. Turns out that event is next weekend. This weekend just seemed to be about a sad little clown doing some stunts with sidewalk chalk and people like me eating fries in the sun.

The highlight of the weekend was going to see Ariane Moffat at Barrymore's. This young Quebecoise kicks ass. She does all kind of fun techno stuff on her laptop, but she can still rock out. I loved her and now own her CD.

Why I love my art teacher - Part 3

I love my art teacher. Here are some great things he said this week:

There is fine line between the beautiful and the crude. They are closely intertwined.

Try this technique. And, if it doesn't work out on this painting, it might help the next time you're painting a window frame.

Your style reminds me of a lesser-known pop artist who did a lot of paintings of cakes and pies.

2 Thoughts

I woke up this morning with 2 thoughts:

1) I love big American cars. I know I'm supposed to hate them. They are evil. I'm borrowing a beautiful big lounge of a car right now, and I love it in a way that is obsessive and sick. When I'm driving I feel like I'm sitting on a big comfy couch. I like the way it seems to just float over the pavement. Ahhhh...

2) I am old and out of shape. One has to move one's ass in order to be in shape. One does not get much exercise riding around in a big American car.

We Built This City

OK, I woke up this Monday morning with Starship's "We Built This City" in my head. Apparently, this song has been considered by some to be one of the worst, if not the worst of all time. And yet, it is spooling through my brain. I don't think it's as bad as they say.

Someone always playing corporation games/Who cares they're always changing
corporation names/We just want to dance here someone stole the stage/They call
us irresponsible write us off the page. Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, dont you remember/ We built this city, we built this city on rock and rollWe built this city, we built this city on rock and roll/Built this city, we built this city on rock
and roll.

Lost and Found

Yesterday I lost my watch, then found it on my own wrist. Still hoping the completed passport application will turn up.

Why I love my art teacher - Part 2

My art teacher has boozey breath with coffee overtones. His latest bit of wisdom was the following:

It's difficult to find solutions if you are still searching for the questions. Stay with the questions. And if all else fails, just make a bold broad stroke in a bright colour and hope for the best.

Here is a sampling of some questions that came up for me today:
Is John Baird the missing link?
Why can't I remember to bring my lunch when it's sitting there all ready to go on the table?
Why do I like huge American cars when I'm supposed to hate them?
How could a person lose a completed passport application before sending it in to the passport office?
How do people have the energy to jog?
Do I have any clean socks for tomorrow?

20 things I have lost in my life (in no particular order)

1. a pair of handmade green leather sandals.
2. a wrist watch
3. a red bicycle
4. a wedding ring
5. a passport application
6. a handmade basket given to me in Indonesia
7. 50-60 earrings
8. a rug inherited from my grandmother
9. a set of dishes
10. numerous CDs
11. numerous books
12. a pair of black leather platform shoes
13. a wallet
14. a walkman
15. my virginity
16. my pride
17. a quality cheese grater
18. approximately 50 umbrellas
19. my hard drive
20. approximately 20 pairs of sunglasses

Good news story of the week: Fruity cocktails are health food!

After all the tragedy of this week, followed by wanker media stories about the media, there was finally a good news story that came out. Turns out cocktails are good for you! Yayyy!!!!!
Get thee to a patio, and drink. Antioxidants, here I come!

Reasons why I love my art teacher....

1) He has boozey breath.
2) He tells me to push the paint around and see what happens.
3) He says supportive things like "I see transformation in this piece. Bring it back next week. We can work with this."
4) When I responded with, "Yes, I'm seeing some addition of red in this piece", he responded with a punch in my arm.
4) He encourages us to get out and look at a lot of art.
5) He hates Renoir.

A few of my favourite things....(today, April 19th)

I'm an in the moment kind of person, but in the spirit of Audrey, here is my list of favourite things (besides sex) today, April 19th, 2007.

1) the feeling I have 2 hours after my B-12 shot.
2) the Danish film "After the Wedding" - GREAT melodrama - loved it!
3) the way my cat licks my nose in the morning.
4) the Ritter sport chocolate I'm eating right now.
5) Double americanos
6) My assistant at work (who tells me to take time off for myself!)
7) Pistachios (which I'm also eating right now).
8) a warm day after a bunch of cold shitty ones
9) miraculously waking up feeling great after drinking too much wine the night before.
10) acupuncture
11) waiters
12) Bob
13) the ESIs
14) walks with Conch Shell
15) blogging at work
16) raindrops
17) roses
18) whiskers on kittens

Monday snapshot

Here is a snapshot of today:
1) Why do I live in this country? It's snowing slush this morning. It's April. Yeah, the cruellest month, but still!!
2) When I arrive at work today, two people are getting their knickers in a knot over a box of lost clear, transparent push pins. Were the push pins lost? Could they have been stolen?
3) During the day I wonder if the silver lining of my spider solitaire addiction will be that I won't lose my mind in old age. Will people say, "Her liver's gone, but she's still sharp as a tack."
4) I need exercise. I can't rely on an empire waist to do everything for me. But no, better to stay at home with a movie, a cup of tea, pie warmed up in the microwave and a magic bag (also warmed up in the microwave).
5) I hate tanned people and their all-inclusive lives. And, no, I'm not jealous!
6) I understand people who don't go outside.

Boobs and the Empire Waist

It seems that the ESI men (Coyote, the Chair, 4th Dwarf and the IO) are obsessed with boobs and confused about fashion. Last evening, they fixated on our server's hooters, insisting that they had augmented in size since the last time. They speculated that she was perhaps in the family way - hence the larger cup size, and hence the floaty top. I informed them that the Empire Waist is in fashion now, and that with a good push-up bra, anything is possible. The boob job possibility was ruled out because, as one ESI put it, "She's not the boob job type." I informed them that I have a friend who definitely didn't seem like the "boob job type" who, in fact, got a boob job. My friend's boob job wasn't a great success, however, because of her poor posture. Her chest continues to appear concave because her slouch. As a small-boobed woman, I rely entirely on my good posture as my personal boob job. And, clearly, I'm going to have to get one of those empire waist things.
It's not nice the way those ESI men were objectifying women, was it?

More random musings

I love Megan's idea of punching someone in the face in yoga class and blogging about it as a way to make her blog more interesting.* I may have to resort to that. I'm lacking material right now.
Possible reasons for lack of material:
1) I'm in incubation mode.
2) I need an "M".**
3) I need a better computer.
4) I'm too tired.
5) I'm too busy.
6) I'm not sleeping well because I'm reading half the night.
7) I'm having communication problems with people this week, but I'm afraid that if I blog it and they read it, communication will become more strained.
8) I need a sun holiday.
9) I'm in a crisis.
10) I'm not in a crisis.

* Megan mentioned the punching someone in yoga thing as a sarcastic response to David Scrimshaw who blogs about binder clips...
**M was the former, asexual lover of the 5th muse.

Easter Monday Aggie Update

Nothing much to report here, except the following:
1) Easter chocolate overload, resulting in serious zit outbreak.
2) I'm exciting about Bob's new drunken group Ottawa restaurant review blog. I'm looking forward to their next installment.
3) I didn't have the day off today, but decided to take the day off, and don't seem to be in any trouble.
4) I'm enjoying a new Eliza Gilkyson CD, "Paradise Hotel". This woman can sing.
5) I'm enjoying a new book by Lisa Moore, "Alligator". Twisted yet likeable characters.
6) I watched The Fog of War - a documentary about McNamara. I went in thinking he was a total hawk. In the film, he's a reflective teary-eyed old fellow with some regrets about some of the shit that went down during his time in office. Highly recommend it. I learned some history, too, something I never picked up in school.
7) I've switched my cat from "Sensitive Stomach" to "Selective Cat" food. He loves it. Apparently multiple kibble shapes appeals to finicky cats.
8) I'm not going to talk about the hockey situation here.
9) If you thought "Mommy and Me" yoga was too much, check this one out.
10) I think winter is going to be over tomorrow.

ESI feature profile: The Chair

One of the ESIs, the Chair, is a very funny man. He used to have have his own blog called Exile on Elgin Street, which he abandoned for reasons unknown. The blog was so popular that it was even included as one of Musie's link in her original blog, along with such blogging greats as Mintyfresh and Lana (sorry, I don't have their current links). 4th Dwarf might argue that the Chair's closure of his blog was a result of laziness. Others might suggest that he ran out of material about dating. Others might contend that his commitment issues made it difficult for him to stick to one blog. Whatever the reasons, I am secretly hoping for a resurrection of the Exile blog.
Speaking of resurrection, last evening I watched hockey with the Chair and a rowdy group drinking pitcher after pitcher of beer. Audrey was there, and asked why Good Friday was called "Good" when it resulted in an execution. The Chair answered, "Well, it was good for some." The Chair then continued with his witty remarks, until Audrey and others chimed in, "You should be blogging all this!"

Emails that don't bode well....

I'm compiling a list here, and need your help. A lot of attitude and tone can be communicated by email these days. I'm trying to make a list of some of the expressions, etc.. that signal that things could turn/are turning ugly. Here are a few:

1) "As I mentioned in my previous email...."
2) "I had assumed...."
3) Name repetition. For example: "Aggie, I thought we had reviewed that problem before. If I remember correctly, Aggie, it was you, Aggie, who .....
4) Had I been apprised of this situation earlier....
5) Use of all upper-case.

Toxic Bounce

Conch Shell and I had a wonderful stroll through Chinatown the other day. We nursed our hangovers with Vietnamese soups, then hit the Chinese Herbalists. Conch Shell bought a tea called simply "Health Tea", a bag of unknown herbs that you have to boil for about an hour. We tried some in the store, and swore we felt better immediately. I ended up purchasing a blood tonic/liver cleanser. Upon leaving the Chinese pharmacy, we walked by the laundromat. We smelled a wonderful, comforting aroma, which we realized was fabric softener. "Too bad bounce sheets are toxic," I said. A guy walking past us stopped dead in his tracks. "Bounce sheets are toxic?" he asked. "Are you sure?" he said. "They are a total nightmare, man." I said. He walked away looking forlorn. I ruined his day.

Action in a taxi

Since my car is out of commission, I`ve been meeting lots of Ottawa taxi drivers. I got in a taxi last night, and the driver had a DVD player propped up on his dash. Some kind of Thai warrior kung-fu thing was playing. Here is the conversation I had with the driver:
Me: How can you drive and watch this at the same time?
Driver: I`m not watching this. It`s for you.
Me: But I don`t like this kind of movie. I don`t like to watch people kicking each other in the head.
Driver: Most of my customers like Action.
Me: I guess I`m not a fan of Action, then.
Driver: I play this for my customers. Not to get more tips or anything. They usually just thank me.
Me: Ok. Well, thank you. But, maybe you can try some comedy on your customers.

What I Learned Today

I think I already knew this, but I re-learned it today. Here it is, folks.

Do not argue, or spar verbally with a micro-manager.

Good responses when dealing with MMs: "Sure." "Right, then." "Absolutely." "Thanks for bringing that to my attention."

Whatever you do, do not get into the details. That's their area of specialty. And, they will get you every time. Take deep breaths, and accept how great you are at the broad strokes, the big picture, the vision. And, don't let the detail people get you down.

Eigga Saturday Update

I`m not feeling at one with the universe today. Yesterday, I missed two important events that I wanted to attend, and I am bitterly disappointed. Why did I miss them? It's an old problem I had that I thought I had fixed. Apparently not. I agreed to do 4 different things and convinced myself that this was possible---to attend 4 different things in various areas of the city in one evening. I used to do this a lot. I don't anymore, but it seems I did it again last evening.
Another reason why I'm not feeling at one with the universe today is that I just ran into an ex. That part is ok. The part that is not ok is that as I was leaving the house I said to myself, "I hope I don't run into anyone I know." I said that because I had done absolutely no prior-to-going-out-of the-house grooming. Not even the teeth. Sweatpants. Matted hair. No coffee. (Yes, I consider coffee part of the grooming process). Anyway, you get the picture. He looked happy and well groomed, and whistled as he walked off after saying hello. Then, my neurotic Aggie self wondered if he was pleased to see me looking so rough.

4 Out of 5 Canadians...

"believe in" global warming, apparently. I didn't know I could choose whether or not to believe in it. Now that I know that, I've decided I'd rather not believe in it.

First day of spring

Yesterday, I met a few people suffering from winter burn out. Made me feel all good and schadenfreudey.
Other news:
1) Fourth Dwarf informed me that putting my stuff in a storage locker for a few months is not 'giving up my worldly possessions.'
2) Bob is back with some great music and food postings.
3) I'm giving my old car to a handsome young man who says he can fix it and use it.
4) I bought fake plastic flowers for my office and find them delightful.
5) I watched the entire first season of Corner Gas in a few days and found it delightful.
6) I've discovered that I enjoy the buzz from Advil Cold and Sinus gel tabs so much that it almost makes having a cold enjoyable. My cold is on the way out.

I'm changing my name to Eigga

For those of you who haven't heard this yet, I've decided to give up my worldly possessions for a year, live off my friends, and travel to exotic places. When I announced this to a family member, his response was, "That's what Jane Siberry is doing." Since Jane and I seem to be on the same....uh... journey (ie. creative/spiritual piece!), I decided to do some internet research on her. First, I discovered that Jane has changed her name to ISSA. When I read what Jane/Issa has been up to, I got the feeling that she's been to a few yoga classes too many.
Anyhow, in the spirit of Jane/Issa, I'm changing my name to Eigga (Aggie spelled backwards).

p.s. I got confused about a link on her website called Fridge. Can someone explain this to me, please. Here is what it says when you click on this link:

RAW FOODIST REQUEST:
If you already eat along these lines and would be interested in helping me maintain this in my travels, that would be really helpful to me.

Delivery of 2 DRINKS/day ($25):
1/ ELECTROLYTE LEMONADE (Lemons/pears/ … - will send recipe)
2/ VEGETABLE BLENDED DRINK (kale, sprouts, etc.)

YES
Fresh, organic, distilled water, superfoods, celtic sea salt, flax oil, spirulina, maca, non-wheat protein, ground flax or hemp powder, gogi, aloe vera, other healthful things…

NO
no starches or sugar (candida diet) (banana, dates, figs, carrots, beets, potato)

If you can do this, please respond with simply a 'yes' and city.
Issa

The *&%?&**! Piece

Just as I was trying to be nicer, friendlier and more tolerant of others, I've been confronted with another linguistic annoyance. OK, first a bit of context.
I have now met two life coaches, and have chatted with them. When I say "met", I mean that I have made their acquaintances. I was not consulting them for life direction. While talking to both life coaches, I noticed that they used the word "piece" in an unusual and annoying way. Here are some examples:
"You can't really move forward in the career piece, if you haven't faced the spiritual piece."
"Once I had examined the body piece, I was able to move forward in the relationship piece."
"The work/life balance piece is central."
Where does this annoying "piece" business come from? Is there some kind of puzzle metaphor they study in life coaching school?
Here are some better uses of piece:
piece of cake
piece of chocolate cheesecake
piece of ass
piece of broken remote
piece of crap
piece of my grandmother's china

Purell doesn't work.

Purell doesn't work. I got the office cold. Don't tell me that I wasn't using Purell properly. I used it after every human interaction. Out with Purell. In with Advil Cold and Sinus.

On a completely different note, an anonymous commenter noted that it is friendlier over at the Mysterious East.
I think she's right. I'm not sure if she was talking about the folks in general or the bloggers over there, but I think the comment could apply to both. Let's face it, they are much nicer than we are.

Margaret Atwood poem

It's not February, but I thought this poem still seems right at the moment.

"February" by Margaret Atwood (Margaret Atwood, “February” from Morning in the Burned House. Copyright © 1995)

Winter. Time to eat fat
and watch hockey. In the pewter mornings, the cat,
a black fur sausage with yellow
Houdini eyes, jumps up on the bed and tries
to get onto my head. It’s his
way of telling whether or not I’m dead.
If I’m not, he wants to be scratched; if I am
He’ll think of something. He settles
on my chest, breathing his breath
of burped-up meat and musty sofas,
purring like a washboard. Some other tomcat,
not yet a capon, has been spraying our front door,
declaring war. It’s all about sex and territory,
which are what will finish us off
in the long run. Some cat owners around here
should snip a few testicles. If we wise
hominids were sensible, we’d do that too,
or eat our young, like sharks.
But it’s love that does us in. Over and over
again, He shoots, he scores! and famine
crouches in the bedsheets, ambushing the pulsing
eiderdown, and the windchill factor hits
thirty below, and pollution pours
out of our chimneys to keep us warm.
February, month of despair,
with a skewered heart in the centre.
I think dire thoughts, and lust for French fries
with a splash of vinegar.
Cat, enough of your greedy whining
and your small pink bumhole.
Off my face! You’re the life principle,
more or less, so get going
on a little optimism around here.
Get rid of death. Celebrate increase. Make it be spring.

Last skate of the season

I was out this morning for (likely) the last skate of the season. I beat the freezing rain. I wasn't out at 7 a.m. with the Ottawa hardcore MEC crowd. I was out there a bit later with a lot of hearty-looking seniors as well as a few oppressed-looking young fathers who had been sent out with children.

Side rant: Has anyone noticed how unfriendly a lot of Ottawa folk are? I'm not just talking about my porridge-faced neighbour who has trouble saying hello. This morning I greeted people on the way to the canal with a friendly, "Good morning." The only person who responded was a mentally-challenged gentleman.

My neighbour

My neighbour looks like he eats porridge everyday. He looks very tight and pale and sad, and rarely says hello. Once when crossing his path I said, "Hello", and he responded with, "I'm in a rush." His bubbly bimbo girlfriend moved out about a year ago (on Fish or Cut Bait Day, I believe), and so his demeanor just got worse and worse.
Then, this morning, through the walls, I heard him cranking up his music and singing falsetto. I have never heard anything out of this fellow before. I think things may be looking up for him. I'm assuming that when a man sings falsetto, he is happy.

Overheard today

Two things I overheard today:

1) "This is the last really cold day today."

2) "It may be unethical, but it's unavoidable."

Slightly more productive Tuesday

I did manage to do more today. More than play Spider Solitaire. And, I learned something. Or, I should say that I relearned that All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet's are always a bad idea. Of course, I knew that going into the trough.
What else have I learned today? I have to say, and I'll say it again: Megan's blog is always full of wisdom about handling all kinds of life's stuggles-- from dealing with the passport office, to battling bats to selecting sex toys. Go learn stuff from Megan, all of you!

Unproductive Monday

It is really true what they say about busy people getting more done. Last week, in a fit of stress, I cancelled all my extra-curricular activities so that I could work. I've been telling everyone how busy I am. And, I am. But, am I getting anything done? No.
Here is what I attribute to my lack of productivity:
- winter burn-out. I skated this weekend, and that was nice and everything, but the blowing snow of today just made me tired and sad.
- a Spider Solitaire addiction relapse. I was off it for a while. Now I'm on it.
- a messy home. I filled out my passport application today, and had to trash my home in order to find my Certificate of Canadian Citizenship. (The passport photo people made me take off the bandages and scowl for the picture).
- read a very depressing novel called Property.
- Attention Deficit Disorder - medicated with coffee, but sometimes that's not enough.
Here is my action plan for tomorrow:
- Get up early.
- Drink coffee.
- Make a detailed to-do list.
- Do the stuff on the list.
- Delete or disable Spider Solitaire.

What 20th century theorist are you?

I just took this test and found out that I'm Jacques Derrida:
"You are Jacques Derrida! You founded Deconstructionism in 1966, and have been a thorn in people's sides ever since. You argue that texts cannot be reduced to a single meaning, among other things. You are dense, impenetrable, and not dead."
I have to say I'm pleased with this test result.

"Yep" is not a word....

Irritation of the day: "Yep" is not an appropriate email response. It is rude. I don't even think "yep" should be spoken.

5 more stress relievers

Harmony is trying to do a Dr. Phil on me, but I'm not going there! I know that if I were the real Muse, I'd be getting to the heart of things. But, you know what? I'm not the real Muse! I failed the intimacy challenge! I prefer to continue to work with the stress symptoms.
I found a few other stress relievers:
1) chocolate - the really dark stuff is best.
2) ginseng tea
3) Korean food (particularly the kimchi - ie. fermented cabbage)
4) telling others that you are stressed. They are nicer to you and don't expect things from you.
5) bitch to friends about wankers and injustices.

Stress

I've been stressed lately. I've decided in my usual intimacy-avoiding mode to focus on dealing with the symptoms, not the source(s).
Here are 10 ways I've been dealing with symptoms:
1) drinking lots of wine(this only works while I'm doing it, and may in fact be intensifying the stress).
2) walking (because we can now without freezing off body parts)
3) eating lots of meat (because I think it's good for me).
4) doing some financial planning (I thought it would help, but it's actually added a bit to my stress).
5) wearing pink.
6) reading the latest People from cover-to-cover (I'm not doing so badly compared to Britney).
7) cancelling things.
8) learning Spanish.
9) buying chips from chip-wagons.
10) throwing things in the garbage.

I met a Canadian Idol!

I met a young Canadian heartthrob yesterday named Wilfred Le Bouthillier. What an adorable little poptart he is! He won the French-Canadian equivalent of Canadian Idol, Star Academy, in 2003.

I fought my way through a group of frenzied teenaged fans, wearing my pink colour-of-my-blog sweater, and caught his attention.
Wilfred wormed his way to the top of the competition, not only because he has talent, but because he was such a humble, nice guy. And, the judges loved his innocence. When asked what he wanted to be as a child when he grew up, he answered, 'the pope'. Adorable! How could they resist?
Before meeting him, I got to see his show, which was a lot of fun. He did the best rocker jump I've seen in a long time. Some of his lyrics need some work. He has a song called 'Tout sorte de monde' which means something like 'It takes all kinds'. One of the verses goes (and I translate here) 'It takes black and white, rich and poor, etc...' You get the idea. Wilfred needs to work on some of his writing. But who cares! He is delightful. I could eat him for breakfast.

Pink

Went on a mini shopping excursion today. Everything I bought was pink -- the colour of this blog basically. I bought a turtleneck sweater, a beret and a few other personal items. All pink!

Gossip

I got a piece of extremely juicy workplace gossip today that involves lots of shagging in the creepy age difference zone.
It`s fun to get a good gossip snippet this time of year when some may be feeling passionless, drained, and depressed. It's heartening to know that people are having fun and getting down with their bad sides. My gossip source and I decided that we would keep our little tidbit to ourselves, and that if we needed to gossip more about it, we would just chat with each other.
That's why I decided to blog it! Without naming names, of course. And to keep it more "musesterious" to use Bob's term. I love Bob. I haven't said that lately.
Anyway, it turns out gossip is actually good for you. By gossiping we may be enacting some kind of ritual that evolved out of "grooming behaviours". Slightly more sophisticated than picking nits out of your hair, I suppose.

Wednesday Update

1) Britney is in rehab. In case you hadn't heard.
2) Blair is taking some troops out of Iraq. In case you hadn't heard.
3) I'm still debating over whether I should buy a large expensive piece of metal. In case you hadn't heard.
4) I'm learning Spanish now. Why, you ask? Because I'm planning to spend next winter in a warm place where people speak Spanish. In case you hadn't heard.

Reasons not to get a car

Yesterday I was poised to buy a car. Even talked to my banker, and test drove one. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought: I don`t need a car. Here are some reasons:
- Cars cost a lot. I would rather spend that money travelling. Getting one's arse to a tropical climate right now wouldn't be such a bad thing, would it?
- Cars are wrecking the earth. So, when you don't have a car, people think you are a really good person for trying to save the earth.
- Cars prevent people from moving their bodies. I would walk and bike more without a car. Maybe a little bit more, anyway.
- Not having a car means you can drink as much as you want when you go out. This may not be a good thing for me...
- Having a car means that you can find yourself in places like Walmart, buying ridiculous household items that you don't need.
- Not having a car gives you an excuse to not to visit those people out in the suburbs.
- People demand more of you when you have a car. They expect you to be on time, to deliver things across town, and other annoying things.

As good as a rest...

Remember when Musie changed her font/template? And it was metablogged here? I'm getting all weepy and nostalgic here...In honour of the former Muse, I have decided to change my font. I suppose, if I really were acting in solidarity, I'd delete my blog...or at least, deny access to my readers. I'm not ready to do this. The team needs me.

Thursday

Today involved...
1) Battling a headache with drugs and caffeine. It's still there, but in the background now.
2) Battling the cold. Brrrr.
3) Buying the new Lucinda Williams CD. My conversation with my CD store man went as follows:
Me: How is the new Lucinda CD?
Him: Great. Dark.You know.
Me: Yeah. Perfect for February.
Him: Lucinda knows how to bring a person down.
Me: Isn't she amazing? I just love her! I'll probably be back on the weekend for some kind of musical amphetamine to counteract her, though.
4) Working....Nothing interesting to blog here.
5) Listening to the new Lucinda CD. With song titles like "Unsuffer Me", and lyrics like -- "All you do is talk the talk/You can't back it up with your walk/You can't light my fire so fuck off/... Go Lucinda go!

Happy Quirky Alone Day to all!

Happy Quirky Alone Day everyone! Yesterday, I received a valentine card from my mother, bless her. Remember the days when you got valentines from everyone in the class? Those days are over. Anyway, enjoy the chocolate. folks.
I'm happy today because I'm starting a new creative project. I'm not able to say more about this at this time. Let's just say that creative projects are a lot of fun at the beginning stages when it's all about the ideas -- not the actual work and follow-through.

Musie's secret blog

The 5th Muse had a secret blog that has now been removed from the blogosphere. It seems that the metabloggers got a little too carried away over there. She didn't like something she read, and removed herself. I thought we had agreed not to metablog her. I thought I was the new muse. Apparently, my intimacy issues make me an inadequate muse.

It's too bad. I enjoyed reading Musie's new blog. Of course, there were moments when I objected to some of her opinions. But, it's interesting how the 5th Muse has continued to captivate our attention and imagination. I'm sorry she was driven off the blogosphere.

Lucinda

It`s been a bit of gloomy day for me. In the midst of it all, however, I learned that Lucinda Williams has a new CD coming out. She is the goddess of broken hearts. I`ve decided today that I will go see her either in Toronto in March, or in Memphis in April.

Conversation I had today

This was with a drunken man - over 36 - with whom I shared cab this evening because we were going in the same direction (but it was just a cab of convenience, not the end of a date or anything).

Him: Where do you live?
Me: You know, over in that area.
Him: Do you have kids?
Me: No.
Him: So, it's just you by yourself?
Me: Uh....(Aggie thinking what to say here. Could say "no, I have my cat", but that sounds so sad. I could say I have 5 cats, then he'd think I was one of those women. I could say something about my waiter fetish....But no, then, he'll think I'm trying to seduce him, which I am not. He appears to be a drunk family man - perhaps divorced - on his way home)....That's right.
Him: Oh. Well, that can be relaxing.
Me: Yes, it can.

Bananas

Today's theme: bananas. I woke up today to read about the banana blimp art project that will float over Texas. Cool, I thought. Then, I thought, "That's not art", and then felt like a reactionary for thinking this. Then, I thought it strange that Texans get to enjoy this floating banana. I mean, we could all use some sky art right now, no?
Then, I went to my favourite cafe, which is a granola kinda spot. I ordered a coffee and a muffin. The server asked, "Is there banana in that muffin?" I said, "I have no idea." She sniffed it. "Oh yes. That has banana in it. That will be 20 cents more for the muffin because they are organic bananas." I was stunned and asked, "How much are these organic bananas?" She didn't know. I did a little research at work and later today. Normal bananas cost 59 cents a pound. My store doesn't even carry organic bananas. I have never felt compelled to buy organic bananas because I just assume that the nice thick skin keeps out the pesticides. I asked a work colleague how many bananas go into a dozen muffins. She said two slightly rotten bananas work best. Rotten bananas are the ones that are usually on sale, right? OK, so I'm not good with numbers, but I'm hoping that some of my numbers-savvy friends can help me understand just how much I'm getting scammed here.

Peppermint

My home smells of peppermint. Why, you ask? Because I seem to be having a mouse issue. Peppermint oil is supposed to be a non-violent approach to combatting mice problems.
I dislike mousetraps. They can cause unnecessary suffering, and I nearly snapped my own finger in the damn thing. I don't want to have yet another finger accident and trip to the emergency room.
My cat is not doing his job. He is comfortable and well-fed, and seems more interested in his mouse toys than the real thing.
So, I'm drowning in peppermint here, and trying to think about all its positive benefits for me. For example, peppermint supposedly "Enhances our receptive capacities on the mental and spiritual level." That seems pretty good.
If anyone has other non-violent mice deterrents, please help.

The Superbowl

I know this doesn`t sound like my cup of tea, but I watched the Superbowl last evening. Some call it "the Stupidbowl." I do feel stupid watching football, having just learned the rules of the game a few years ago when one of my friends explained the concept of the two lines -- the one with the big fat guys, and the one with the faster fellows. That minor detail had always eluded me. Once you learn that, the game becomes much more interesting. I still don't get when and why they kick the ball when they do, and why players don't get charged with assault when they tackle the living shit out of each other.

In true Superbowl fashion, I got drunk and ate bad food that left me with a stomachache and a rough day today. My team lost. I was cheering for Chicago -- something I decided 2 minutes into the game when they opened with a touchdown.

The half-time spectacle featured Prince who looked like he may go to the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson. He did a medley that, of course, included Purple Rain. My superbowl companions and I agreed that medleys generally suck. I loved Prince back in the day, but even in my superbowl haze, I found him to be a ridiculous parody of his former self. One of my superbowl companions pointed out that he doesn't go by the name "Prince" anymore; he is just that fancy P-sign.

Then, we saw the Dion attack-ad. We agreed that it was stupid of the Conservatives to run the ad in the second-half when people were either too drunk to absorb its message, or out getting more beer.