Looking for Kidney Warmers...

My shopping consultant who just showed me how to "do Winners" also introduced me to kidney warmers. A kidney warmer is a finely knitted tube that covers your kidneys and keeps your core body warm. My shopping consultant's mother got her kidney warmer in Germany. I'm wondering if anyone knows where I can get one in Ottawa. I know, I know, all you knitters are going to say "Just make one yourself!" But I want one that actually fits under my clothes.

I did find two models online. The first one is a high-end Made in Germany model that costs a fortune but offers the following health benefits: "expands and strengthens your aura", "protects from EMR (electromagnetic and wireless radiation)", "strengthens your subtle energy bodies", "activates your self-healing forces", and "supports general well-being and concentration". I need all of these things.

Then, I found a cheaper American version of the kidney warmer here. As you can see, the health benefits aren't nearly as sexy: "post-operative"..."reassuring"? Blech.

How to Shop at Winners

I have a friend who is a shopping genius, which I am definitely not. I can go out and blow lots of money, and end up with nothing I like, or with things that are unwearable. Yesterday, I shadowed her in Winners, and took notes of her strategy. She started off saying, "OK. When my time is limited like this, I just go directly to the Handbag and Shoe sections, because that is where you will find the best deals in this store." As she fingered through the handbags, she said, "Once I found a Dolce & Gabbana bag for $80 here, if you can believe it." That statement didn't mean a lot to me, but I got the idea. I started looking at the black bags, and she said, "It's harder to find a good black bag here, I'll tell you that. You are more likely to find a high quality brown or tan one." Then, she pulled out a nice light, soft, camel coloured leather bag with dark straps. "Here we go. This is you. This is a really really good deal." We noticed a tiny tiny pen mark on it and she suggested we try to get it marked down even more. Then, we went to the shoes. It took her a few minutes there before she said, "Nothing worth looking at here today. It's been seriously picked over." Then, she suggested going to the Underwear and Sleepwear section since we had some extra time. She said, "Sometimes you can find Calvin Klein panties here for 4 or 5 dollars, and they really are better quality." We looked, but no luck on this. Then, she ranted a bit about fleece, and how it was a terrible fabric that doesn't breathe.
We had a couple of minutes left, so we went to the sweaters. We saw things we liked, but the sizing was all wrong. She said, "Don't ever buy anything that is the wrong size even if you love it. It will just frustrate you." We went to the cash where we managed to knock a few dollars off the leather bag. Then, she suggested I go to La Vie en Rose and pick up a pair of $10 flannel pajamas. She confessed to buying 4 pairs. She said, "When they are giving them away like that, I tend to just buy them up. Everyone needs flannel pajamas."

Is anyone else out there freaked out?

Since I read the story about the guy who died from using a Q-tip, I have been freaked out. I admit, I'm going through a bit of crazy phase right now. This morning I wrenched the Q-tip box away from my dischevelled friend, screaming "You shouldn't put anything smaller than a saucer in your ear!" Then, when he turned away, I threw the entire box of 400 Q-tips in the garbage. They are fucking dangerous! I know, I know, you could still use them to dust a keyboard. Or, you could use it apply make-up. But, those little innocent-looking sticks with cotton spun tips are killers just waiting to unleash themselves.
What freaks me out more, is that some creative writerswere already onto this years ago.

Richard Desjardins

I am in love with Quebec singer-songwriter,Richard Desjardins. If you want beautiful music to get you through your February blues, go out and buy his 1998 unplugged CD, Boom Boom.
Yesterday at a musical event, I sidled up to the bar, and realized I was literally rubbing elbows with Richard Desjardins. We smiled at each other, and I forgot that I was there to order a drink. Then, today, while walking down the street, I looked across, and there was Richard Desjardins with his little black suede jacket and his smoke. I'm convinced that it is destiny: we were meant to be together. He is a teeny bit older than I am. On another blog, I was defending Julia Child's decision to put her much older husband in a nursing home while she continued on with her work. Message to Richard Desjardins: when we get married, I promise I won't ship you off to the nursing home.

Silver lining

I've had a rain cloud over my head for about a week now, and am trying to do all the usual stuff to make myself feel better: meditate, exercise, walk, eat well, make crafts, read inspirational stuff, get acupunture, etc.. I may need to add "get drugs", "see a shrink", "go to a nunnery for a couple of days", and "get a plane ticket out of winter" to this list, but we'll see.
Anyway, I did have a few rain cloud lifting chuckles when I read a couple of items from CBC health news today. One story was about sperm in Saskatoon. The headline was Don't Spurn the Sperm. Nice one! If anyone is looking for sperm, there is plenty out there just going to waste.
The other story that made me laugh was this one about how it is all those healthy people out there who just won't die that are the real drains on the system. So stop blaming the smokers, or the obese people, or the obese smokers!

Latest crafts

Blogging wierdness

I have not blogged in the past couple of days. One reason is because I became obsessed with what was happening over at the Mysterious East. If you have a couple of hours, and want to read the blow-by-blow of the St. Thomas University labour dispute, it's a fascinating read. Or, maybe you'd rather watch the Superbowl...
But, the main reason I haven't blogged is because my blogging topics were just a bit too wierd, disturbing or personal. For example, here are some of the topics that I have not blogged about:

- my cat's suffering from feline obsessive-compulsive disorder (I'm considering medicating him)
- my menstrual cycle and how it has made me insane (I know there are bloggers out there writing about peeing their own pants, which is cool and everything, but I'm just not ready to get that intimate with y'all)
- my bizarre dream about having a sexual adventure with a barbie-Ken sized male (it's not what you think)
- my bizarre dream about hounding a fellow who wouldn't say "hello" to me, and discovering he was deaf (I thought he was just being one of those unfriendly Ottawa types)
- more ADD/meditation moments (there have been lots of these on my quest for enlightenment).

Instead of blogging about these things, I'm going to put up some photos soon of my latest craft projects. Good old crafting, eh? I'm planning to craft my way through the Stupidbowl today.

"In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone too far"

This is my song of the day: Video Killed the Radio Star (1979) by the British group, the Buggles. I was crabby. Then, I heard this song, and have transformed from crabby to happy. If you want to be happy, you can watch and listen here. Brilliant. And, lots of costume inspiration here for Astronaut Love Triangle.

Intruder scare

This morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. from another one of my twisted dreams, and was convinced there was an intruder in the place. I can be very country bumpkin-ish about leaving doors unlocked or open, so I assumed someone had just walked in off the street. My first response was to turn on the bedside light because I had heard somewhere that that can scare someone off. I then put on my pants. I didn't like the idea of fighting off an intruder without proper ass-covering. I then ran for the phone and was poised to dial 911. I slithered around, back to the wall, turning on lights, until I was convinced that there was no one there. Meanwhile my cat remained in deep slumber. Finally, I managed to go back to sleep for a couple of more hours, and woke up in my pants, drooling on the phone.

Passport

I finally have a passport in my hands. This is a major achievement, as I lost the passport application not once, but twice. I don't believe I blogged about the second time losing it because it was simply too painful to talk about. But, I managed to find it for the second time, immediately went to the passport office, and now all is well in the world. Now, I need to decide where to go. I am thinking mid-February, somewhere warm, where people speak Spanish and dance.
I'm keeping the passport in a very very safe place, and will sew a special little bright crafty thing to protect and make it easy for me to locate.

What's happening with the crafting, you ask?

In case you were wondering what is happening with the crafting, I did have a little hiatus, but am now back into it. I just made a little clutch that looks like this one that I am calling my "feminine supplies clutch". Photos will be coming soon.
Other craft news: I have a fabulous new rotary cutter that I got for Christmas which has changed my life.
I need help from you crafties on what to do with my retro tablecloth. I have decided I will never ever use that thing on a table. Ideas? How can I re-purpose the happy-bappy-housewife-on-valium tablecloth? Zoom suggested I "burn" the cloth at one point, and, of course, that is still a viable option.

Growing up WASP

Remember a while back when I was blogging about my friend who said she needed to see a counsellor, and I responded by saying "You were made for counselling"? Then, I had regrets about saying this to her because I wasn't sure would take it as a compliment? Anyway, she did take it as a compliment, fortunately, and she's loving the counselling experience. She said, "Sometimes I think my counsellor is a bit full of shit. But, that's probably because I'm not being totally honest myself." You see how good she is? It's made me want to go back and see my own counsellor, so that we can get together and talk about our sessions while drinking. Tonight we talked about the trauma of growing up in WASP families, WASP repression, and WASP complexity. How we are both messes because of it all.

Apocalyptic Dream

Here is my dream of this morning:

My house was slated to be razed, so I took the liberty of writing and painting all over the walls. I started to salvage some of the furniture, then realized that would be futile because ---- the apocalypse was coming!!!! The scene outside was chaos: big drunken parties with barfing people, and--for some reason--waterslides everywhere. People wanted to slide down waterslides as civilization as we know it was coming to a close. I took refuge in a grotty basement apartment with a young stoner who looked like a younger, chunkier George Stroumboulopoulos. He made a few advances, which--for some reason--I rejected, even though the apocalypse was coming!! We did get nicely stoned together, however, and then ended up in a caravan, migrating to a place that offered -- we weren't sure what. The apocalypse was still coming. We arrived at the place, and were assigned rusty old lockers. That's when I woke up.

Monkey Mind

As many of you, I am MEDITATING these days, or attempting to, at the local Buddhist centre. Nothing like meditation to make you realize how nuts you are. Here is an example of my mind in meditation today:

Boy, it's easier for me to sit in lotus position. I can thank the fucking hot room yoga hell for that. At least something good has come out that: I can sit on the floor properly. Feeling good. Feeling really good. I have got this meditation shit right down now. Enlightenment, here I come! Oh shit. My eye is itchy. Should I scratch it? No. Stillness. Stillness. Maybe it will go away. It's not. Damn! Maybe I have pink eye. Oh no, the other one is itchy now. Shit, I probably have pink eye in both fucking eyes. Where the hell did I get that? Oh, I think it's ok. Just opening my eyes a wee bit fixed it. Good. Ok. We're back. We're meditating. Too bad about Heath Ledger. He was hot. OK. back to the meditating. I hear kids screaming. They sound like a flock of gulls. I hear a truck backing up. It sounds like the beginning of Fur Elise. Da da daa da da daa daaaaaa. Back to the meditating. Maybe a mantra will help me focus again. What's my mantra? Oh shit, I forgot. I think there is an OM in there somewhere. Someone is wearing perfume. That shit should be banned everywhere. Back to the meditation. OM. I hope Zoom wins the contest. OM.

The Banality of Blogging

Today I woke up groggy, but after 2 cups of coffee, I was ok. I had to do a bit driving today. The roads were slippery, but not too bad. They don't plow the roads in Montreal as well as they do in good old Ottawa. My cat has been wired today. He got into the garbage last night. Today he destroyed a roll of toilet paper. Bad kitty! I did a fair bit of reading today, but the writing is not progressing. I need to reflect on this. Now I'm going to attempt another Bikram Hot Room Hell Yoga class. It's still snowing. I will walk there. Yawn.
Click on Rick Mercer's The Last Guy to Get His Own Blog . You will laugh.

Getting Through the Saddest Day of the Year

It's not easy to get through the saddest day of the year. Here are some Aggie recommendations.

1) Try to think like Buddha. Understand that sadness will pass, like a dark cloud. And if you've ever flown through a cloud, you know that clouds are just a whole lot of wet air.
2) Shop. If ever there was a day for retail therapy, this is it. I bought an alpaca sweater today that I love. And, an alpaca neck warmer. And, an alpaca hat. It's all soft and warm and beautiful. I know, the stock markets are crashing all around us. All the more reason to....shop!
3) Drink a bit, but not too much. It's a good evening for wine with dinner.
4) Take a bath with your finest bath products.
5) Read something inspirational. Julia Child's My Life in France will change your life. Read it.
6) Walk. I walked a lot today, and that was good.
7) Hula hoop.
8) Go online and check flights to warm places.
9) Play some salsa, or listen to Robert Plante meets Allison Krauss in Raising Sands(excellent CD, in my humble opinion).
10) Find a muse. Mine is currently Bob and his delightful rants.

Happy Saddest Day of the Year

I would like to wish you all a Happy Saddest Day of the Year. I recommend making the best of it. Whine. Get under the covers with trashy reading material. Eat chocolate. Wallow in it. It's going to get better. We are heading towards Fish or Cut Bait Day.

More High-End Personals

A few more snippets from the the high-end Personals (New York Review of Books, Jan.17, 2008). This time I've selected what these high-end folks are looking for:

"a nice man"
"a classy lady"
"a Manhattanite, artist preferred"
"a co-adventurer"
"a physically fit, sexually active, psychologically stable, politically informed, not religious or 'spiritual' for short..."
"an accomplished man"
"a financially solvent man"
"a progressive, TLC, single guy for life celebrations"
"a genuine mensch"
"a thoughtful woman refusing to be defined by her current disappointment"

I like this one, too: "Can you I sustain that magical flow of cultivated thought and creative sensuality?" A tall order, that one!

Newsflash: the inventer of the Hula Hoop just died!

The Research Advisor just sent me this, and said, "I hope 2008 isn't the year Aggie puts curses on people".

5BX, Bikram, Hula Hooping and Pole Dancing

Today I decided that to launch my new fitness plan, I should go to a Bikram Yoga class. It stunk-- literally. It's a stinky class because they turn up the heat and make it like a sauna, and people sweat a lot. The instructor was a 6'5" woman with shockingly large breasts. She was a scarey drill sargeant. This is not really yoga, is it? It's more like hell. I prefer the yoga classes where you lie on the floor in child's pose and the teacher is smiling and making you feel good about yourself. I got a special deal for an introductory first-week to Bikram, so I guess I'll go back for a little more hell. Ahhhh!!!!
Onto hula hooping. I'm a really good hula hooper, so I figured I should integrate this into my fitness regime, along with my 5BX program, as recommended by the Chair and others. Did you know that one minute of hula hooping burns the same number of calories as running an 8-minute mile, or doing a high-impact aerobics class? I found that on the internet, so it must be so!!
I've found a pole dancing course nearby, so stay tuned. Hard to believe I was thinking of going to a nunnery a few days ago.

The Nunnery didn't work out....

Ok, I didn't make it to the nunnery, folks. Not this week, anyway. The place is booked solid. Apparently, I was not the only person who thought this would be a good idea.
So, instead of chastity, solitude and silence, I'ved opted for shagging, lively social interaction, hot room yoga, and lots of reading.
This week I'm reading Jane Austen's Emma, Julia Child's My Life in France (thank you Jo Stockton!) and a little tiny book by Harry G. Frankfurt called On Bullshit.

Get thee to a nunnery

I've decided to go into isolation for a few days. I'm going to a nunnery. I'm leaving on Saturday. I will not be blogging from the nunnery. I will write about my nunnery experience when I get out.

High-end Personals

I love the Personals in the New York Review of Books. Here are some of the fabulous women featured in the 'Holiday Issue':

Smart and beautiful, yet unequivocally cute

Known for laser-like intellect balanced by warm heart and disarming ability to laugh at herself

Pilates toned, approachable, blonde widow

Aesthetically tuned, stylish, yet uncomplicated

Loves literature, Italy anywhere, Montana, Kenyan safari, warm ambiance of meals with friends, Ansel Adams, theater

Love the regular stuff -- golf, skiing, opera, books, music, and theater.

Left and right-brained, technologically up-to-date. Dog person. Ocean person.

Think grown-up Reese Witherspoon

Refined, yet uncomplicated -- can eat peanut butter straight from the jar, yet totally comfortable at White House dinner

Enjoys opera-going, cooking haute, and river-rafting

Award-winning career, yet completely unpretentious and down-to-earth

I Need A Retreat

Thanks to all of you who recommended books. My second request to you is to recommend a retreat. I am desperately in need of one. I am open to a yoga retreat, a writer's retreat, a meditation retreat, a spa retreat, or any combination of these. I need the retreat to be in a place that doesn't require a passport, since I still don't have one. I do not want anything that involves interpretative dancing, raw foods, mindful eating, colonic cleanses, or sitting around a circle with strangers and disclosing. Ideas?

Elizabeth *ay

Confession: I just realized that I thought Elizabeth May, head of the Green Party, was also Elizabeth Hay, the writer. I thought Elizabeth May must be some kind of goddess -- to lead the Green Party, and to churn out award-winning novels.
The following conversation alerted me to my error:

Person: Do you like Elizabeth Hay?
Me: I don't know her novels. But, I want to read her latest....I'm just amazed this woman has time to do what she does.
Person: Huh? What else does she do?
Me: Come on! Are you joking? Imagine the hours she puts in as leader of the Green Party.
Person: (Laughter.......Guffaws)... Oh Aggie dear, you are having another one of your dyslexic moments.

Holding a cat shower

This one is for Zoom, who has just adopted the gorgeous DUNCAN Donut.

-Invite friends
-Tell them to bring gifts for the cat
-Serve blackened catfish with El Gato Negro wine
-Make a cattail or pussy willow centrepiece for the table.
-Make a cake in the shape of cat's head. Use orange food colouring so that the cake will look like Duncan.
-Play party games like Pin the Tail on the Cat.

Other ideas?

What I Learned Today

I learned today that it is not a good idea to get your eyebrows done in a strange city from a stranger just because you have nothing better to do. You may end up looking like a cartoon character. I am looking tres Powerpuff Girl right now.

I need a book

I need a book. What I'm looking for is.... something to break the chill and boredom of January, something that will change me, something that will help me, something that is readable, something that will inspire me.
I was going to make this a contest-- like you get "dinner with Aggie at the Usual Spot" if you recommend the winning book. But, I don't want to have dinner with you. I just want to read the book.

Easing in

My sister-in-law made this cheesecake, which kicks ass. I suspect many of you are trying to get back on track with the healthy eating and exercise. So am I. But, I've decided I'm easing into the new year with this cheesecake.

I love Bob

I know you all know this already. And, I know that I should be writing about bigger things like resolutions, world politics, global warming. But, I simply want to begin this year by saying how much I love Bob. I loved the charming honesty of his latest rant about Ottawa freecycling. I adore his posts about his cats. They just melt my heart.
There are so many other wonderful blogs out there that deserve recognition. But, there is something about Bob.

New Year's Resolutions: What I want more of....

I've decided that this year's resolutions should be about what I want MORE of, rather than the usual what I should be doing less of.

Here's what I want more of:

Crafting
Shagging
Exercising
Meditating
Writing
Reading
Paradigm shifting

That's it. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

Not conducive to shagging...(the holidays continued)

So, I'm on the futon with my shagging partner who is hacking up a lung, but making efforts to get into a kind of romantic mood, when HIS MOTHER appears and sits on the edge of the bed with a flashlight and her cosmetic bag. At first, I think I'm having an acid flashback -- because this could not really be happening. But, no, it is indeed his mother sitting on the bed. "It's ok, Mom" he says, irritated. I still have no idea what is going on, and am peering at her from behind a sheet. She produces a cough drop from the cosmetic bag. "Here you go, dear," she says, and disappears into the darkness.
Yes, I'm ready for the holidays to be over.

Boxing Day

Day of napping. Day of eating leftovers: ham, turkey, tortiere, butter cookies, nuked stuffing and gravy, olives, rolls, wine. Day of more napping. Day of playing with toys.

Conversation I had with a 4-year old today:

Me: Can I play with some of your toys?
Kid: You can play with whatever you want. Just don't bother me. I'm really busy.

I like this kid.

Merry, Merry....

Long story, but my Christmas started in a Moncton Emergency Room. I wasn't the one with the emergency, but was resentfully accompanying the victim. In the end, I felt a bit guilty about my questions and comments as we drove to the ER: "Are you sure you can't just suck it up for Christmas dinner?" and "You know that using the Emergency room is a massive tax on the system, blah blah blah". Not very Christmas spirity at all. Anway, turns out my sick companion has pneumonia, which sucks.

Upon arrival, the Moncton ER scene consisted of one little crying kid with a bloody hand, and another guy with a bloody hand who seemed to think that showing his hand gash to the little kid would make him feel better. It didn't. Among the other waiting room victims was a woman with a bashed-in face accompanied by her son. She said she tripped and fell into a table. In lovely Moncton French, she told me, "J'ai cassE un bone dans ma face." That really sucks.

Then, we went to the pharmacy to get the drugs. My victim met an aquaintance in front of him at the prescription counter who was also a sickly grey colour, and who parted with his own drugs, saying "I hope you don't die. That would suck!" which my victim thought was completely inappropriate, and I agreed. A simple, "Merry Christmas" would have been adequate.

The day has improved significantly. Hope you are all having a healthy holiday, and doing your best to stay out of emergency rooms.

Toblerone Fudge recipe that my sister-in-law makes

My sister-in-law made this fudge, and it is really really really good. Only four ingredients.

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup evaporated milk
1 bar (400g) Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate, broken into pieces

Line 8-inch square pan with parchment paper, with ends of paper extending over sides of pan. Put it aside. Dump sugar, butter and evaporated milk in large heavy saucepan.

Bring to full rolling boil on medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil 5 min., stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

Add chocolate, and stir until completely melted. Pour it all into prepared pan. Refrigerate 3 hours or until firm. Remove fudge from pan, using parchment paper handles. Cut into 25 squares. Keep fudge in tightly covered container in the refrigerator.

Christmas lethargy

Christmas lethargy has set in. I can no longer shop. I can no longer make cushions. I can no longer drink eggnog. It's not even Christmas yet, and I just feel like settling in for a long winter's nap... I've tried coffee. I've tried light exercise. I've tried sleep. Still, my energy level is tanking. Maybe it's a vitamin deficiency. Maybe I'm ill. Maybe I'm having a mental health crisis. Maybe I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm yawning. My eyes are in a constant squint.

Kick-ass Shortbread Cookies

Only three ingredients:

4 cups of flour
1 cup of icing sugar
A pound of butter (How can you go wrong?)

Mix ingredients. Be prepared to work the dough.

Roll into balls. Put the balls on a cookie sheet and press them down with a fork.

Bake them at 350 for 7 minutes.

Optional: You can stick some of those candied cherries onto the cookies using icing as glue.

Also optional: You can go to the Dollar Store and get some little tins. Put the cookies in the tins and give them as gifts.

Santa is Watching

I love my sister-in-law. This morning she was at the end of her tether with her almost 4-year-old, and she pulled out the infamous Santa line that parents have used for centuries: "Santa is watching, and noting who is being cooperative and who isn't." The response was, "No, he isn't" to which my sister-in-law responded, "Yes, Santa sees everything. He is watching you all the time." Then, the child became cooperative. The line works.
It is a shame we can't use the Santa line to other adults when they are being uncooperative or assholes or uncooperative assholes.

Seeking Shagging Opportunities (the holiday edition)

Finding shagging opportunities over the holidays can be difficult, particularly if you are not in your own home, but staying with relatives. Here are some possible ways to get some action over the holidays, and tips for making the experience as pleasant as possible.

1) Feign illness, and stay home when others go out. Have your shagging partner (or electronic device) ready to go.
2) Scope out all areas of the home. Are there places no one goes? Are there places that are relatively soundproof? Are there doors with locks? Would it be easy to install a small lock? Is the place large and comfortable enough not to cause strain or injury?
3) Make sure you are equipped with all the extras or accessories you need before dragging your shagging partner to, say, the boiler room. Be strategic.
4) Offer to babysit. Put the kids to bed very early, and tell them that Santa won't come if they get out of bed.
5) Go easy on the rich foods. Excessive eggnog, too many shortbread cookies, and even trace amounts of fruitcake, do not lend themselves to shagging of any kind.
6) Get some light outdoor exercise, like a short cross-country ski, or a bit of snow shovelling. This can limber you up nicely for some action.
7) Indulge in a massage or a facial.
8) Don't spend long periods of time in a mall. Very very bad for the libido.
9) Get a hotel room if necessary.
10) Stay hydrated.

Boring Aggie Update

This one will be in point form, because I'm feeling point-formish.

1) I have been off-line for a few days, and it was nice, but I did feel there was something missing in my life.
2) I'm not at odds with Christmas this year. Am participating in family functions, attempting baking projects, crafting and shopping. I even made a shopping plan for tomorrow, complete with maps and charts.
3) My bank card was "compromised", according to my bank, which meant an hour and a half at the counter getting it sorted out. The teller thought that the card was probably not really compromised, but that the bank thought it was because I had used it in various places across the country. Don't people travel this time of year? Am I supposed to inform my bank when I go somewhere?
4) No shagging happening here. Difficult to find shagging opportunities when you are on a futon or sofa in your family members' homes. I know you are thinking that a true shagger would seek opportunities in unexpected places. I'm trying to think outside the box here. Ha!
5) There is no fifth thing.

Seeking Christmas solutions

I had a conversation at a cocktail party the other day that went like this:

Me: How are you doing?

Him: Great. You know, it's great to be able just to relax and wind down this time of year.

Me: What? Most people are out of their minds this time of year. Relax and wind down? People are filling the psych wards.
Good for you, buddy!

Him: Thanks.

Maybe this guy was lying. Or, maybe he genuinely does wind down this time of year, and lets others create the whole beautiful bourgeois bubble of Christmas atmosphere around him.

I've spoken to a number of folks this year who are dreading Christmas, and here are some of their reasons why - pretty standard ones, I might add.

1) Not in a relationship - the dreaded Christmas alone.
2) Partner died and dealing with first Christmas without person.
3) In a dysfunctional relationship - a relationship that might squeak through New Year's, but just barely.
4) Invasion by obnoxious in-laws.
5) Hating one's own family.

I have a question to pose to my readers. Can you put forward some solutions for people dreading Christmas -- solutions that can shift the mindset that Christmas is only successful if we are holding hands with loved ones around a Christmas tree. Or, solutions that offer some creative alternatives to the whole fucking deal. Of course, crafting and drinking are the obvious solutions...

The yin and the ying

Things that are going well:
The pillows, the crafts. All good. I am a sewing maniac.

Things that are not going well:
My passport application. I know. I know. You thought I had dealt with that situation. I didn't even blog about this because I was too embarassed. But here goes: I lost my passport application TWICE. Then, I re-did the whole thing, and managed to find an old passport - not my last passport, an older one. The missing document that I need, however, is my Canadian Citizenship certificate -- which I have LOST! Today, I was told that this takes 6 months to process, but that if I send in the application, and actually buy a plane ticket, I may be able to travel before 6 months. Or, maybe not.

Accomplishment of the Day

Tiana's prize (from one of the many ESI contests) is finished, almost ready for display and delivery.

Christmas Angst

Today someone asked me if I had my shopping done. No, I don't. Other Ottawa bloggers seem to have their shit together. Jo Stockton has a complicated diagram system that enables her to efficiently get in a store, get the gift, and get out-- all with relative ease and precision. Andrea has all her shopping done, and got really cool stuff for people on Etsy. Zoom is busy collecting brilliant ideas on how to have a quick and easy minimalist Christmas. What have I done, you ask? Nothing. I have made a couple of pillows. I cannot possibly produce enough pillows to give everyone a pillow unless I start my own sweatshop.

Another Cushion

I just learned how to add a pom pom fringe to a cushion, and am liking it a lot. The pillow design is a variation on the traditional log cabin quilting style.

Fabric Karma

I really hate all the New Age shite about how you just have to think positive thoughts, and you can make yourself thin, rich, and happy. I loathe The Secret and everything it stands for. Friends have told me that I need to relax - there are some good little gems in there, and they are probably right. But, there might be some good little gems in Mein Kampf, too. Still, the overall message is a dangerous load of white over-privileged crap.
Anyway, that little preamble is just to say that if I did believe in The Secret, I would think that the box of high-quality fabric pieces that was just given to me was because I had been putting positive fabric messages out into the universe.

Things I'm Thinking This Week

1) I don't care what the difference is between a FUNwall and SUPERwall, and am wondering how people are accomplishing anything these days with the Facebook distraction. Wouldn't it be funny if Facebook addiction was the thing that brought capitalism down?

2) Enthusiasm can take you far, and can even sometimes disguise slightly shoddy work.

3) Powerpoint should offer the following warning if you have the 2007 version, and you are saving your presentation: "Are you sure you want to save it in 2007? Do you know that you could be fucked if you try to open it with 2003/4?

4) How many pillows can I make before Christmas? Should I just go on Etsy and buy there?

5) There is no fifth thing.

Counselling

A conversation I just had:

Person: So, I've just decided I have to go see a counsellor.
Me: That's great!!!
Person: Why is that?
Me: Because, you were MADE for counselling.

I'm not sure this was the appropriate thing to say (pretty sure, NOT!), but I do think this particular person is really made for counselling.

So, what kind of person do I think is good for counselling?

1) some level of intelligence
2) anxiety, but trying to hold it all together, and still "performing"
3) motivated to change shit
4) totally fucking aware
5) there is no fifth thing.

I'm sure everyone was made for counselling. But some people may be more life coachy, or just ok talking to their hair dresser, or ok just taking the pills, or better off hanging out in the bar. And then, there are some people who are just made for counselling.

Solid Advice from Manny Blue

The magnificent, Manny Blue, one of the Holograms in the paradigm-shifting band, Astronaut Love Triangle, has given me some solid advice about how to be more productive -- without the use of coffee beans. Here are her recommendations:

Getting some exercise before starting to work
Working in natural light. I've learned to get all my ideas down in the daytime while sitting in natural light (luckily I have a window at work)
Writing my outline and ideas down on paper by hand - adding diagrams, notes, etc. Later I use my handwritten notes to guide me and keep me on track as I type out the report, etc.
No coffee (tea's OK) and no junk food - it just makes my attention issues worse
Fresh fruit on hand - a variety is important to me
Water... lots of it
Rewards! I write 10 sentences and I get to... (insert whatever works for you)
Walking around and speaking my ideas out loud... quickly sitting down and writing them down or typing them (I don't do this one at work)
Headphones with music. It blocks out the world and I can tap my foot to the beat. If my foot is busy with the tune, I don't get as distracted. Maybe the part of my brain that gets distracted needs to be doing something (this one really works for me)
Writing whatever comes to me (no second guessing), then setting the work aside for an hour or so... then going back to it to edit
Printing my work and editing from print (an editor told me this trick - he never edits from electronic copies... always the print)

I follow some of these guidelines already, except for the staying healthy part -- paying attention to what I eat, exercise, etc... This is what I am working on now. Manny, thanks for the inspiration!

The Coffee Bean Situation (CBS) over here...

I've decided that I'm making up for Megan's coffee abstinence over here -- in a rather serious way. I keep saying to myself, "I will not keep doing this... I will not keep doing this..." behind clenched and jittery teeth. And yet, those beans have continued to keep me going, and going, and going. Today, though, I almost barfed, and I have come to realize that I need to slow down. Just slow down on the beans, as Zoom so wisely suggested.

Motivation

First of all, I want to thank you all for the motivation. You have all helped me, in your own special ways. Here are some motivational messages I received "off the blog":

"Congratulations! You are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."

"We can't solve problems by using the same the kind of thinking we used when we created them." (My friend informed me that this is Einstein breaking out of the confines of the old folk-expression -"You made your bed, now go lie in it").

"Then, I got this massive jumble of wonderful motivation-goodness from another friend:
IT'S NOT A VISION IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT ALREADY. reach for the stars. YOU CAN DO IT. don't let the bastards get you down. IF YOU BELIEVE IT, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. never retreat, never explain, never apologize - get the thing done and let them howl. IF I CAN'T DANCE, I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR REVOLUTION."

Nice, eh? I am doing ok. I'm currently in a Montreal public library that seems to be housing every single Montrealer with a mental health challenge. I've moderated the coffee-bean intake. Moving forward.

Update on Writing Hell

1) I've eaten an entire bag of ginger snaps. Sweet, little heart-shaped, spelt gingersnaps that I purchased at Boushey's on Elgin Street for a small fortune. Highly recommended.

2) I am making some progress, although I am still unsure if completion of the project is possible. My writing coach suggested that this may be a good opportunity throw my debilitating perfectionism to the wind once and for all.

3) I am doing the chocolate-covered coffee bean thing -- which actually is not too bad as an ADD medication.

4) I am demanding encouragement from everyone. That includes you. Please send me your best motivational messages.

5) There is no fifth thing.

Profiles + X365

I have taken a lot of heat because I haven't written those damn ESI profiles. Then, I saw this project, and I am considering doing it. The profiles could just be part of this X365 project. Sigh.
I'm currently in a very large library, suffering with a writing project. Why do I hate writing so much? I am trying to own this part of the process-- the actually getting it done part. I'm so much better at the brainstorming, idea stage...
I'll just take a little break here, and see what's for sale on Etsy - and check out Andrea's recommendations. Can someone please give me a virtual kick in the arse here. Help!

Heaven's to Etsy!

Now that I am a craft person, I have to come to realize that it's all about Etsy. If you thought the Ottawa Christmas Craft Sale was a zoo, check out all the crap on the Etsy. Yes, I am into the whole alternative marketplace thing, but....Holy Shit! Is it just a way for people to fund their craft obsessions? Clearly, I need some Etsy-savvy person to explain all of this me. Help! Please give me some analysis.

Spiritual Healers

I went to a spiritual healer today and have decided that spiritual healers are annoying. They giggle an awful lot, which drives me bananas. I guess when you have figured everything out, the world just seems hilarious, as if you had just dropped a nice, clean hit of acid. Look at the Dalai Lama. He's a chronic giggler. They talk too much, and people sit around hanging off every single fucking word, even if they are talking bullshit. Does being enlightened have to make you annoying? The spiritual healer left me feeling:
1) like I could have been using my time more productively (doing the shit I am avoiding, for example). Yes, I know this attitude signals my desperate need for healing!
2) exhausted and drained. Yes, I know that probably means that some kind of healing is happening. She healed me by tiring the shit out of me.
3) annoyed with myself for even thinking that spiritual healing is what I need. Yes, I know that probably means I am resisting the whole healing process.

Another conversation with overly-friendly man

Remember, a few posts back when I wrote about the man who tried to rescue me by inviting me to his place? This week, he approached me and complimented me on my pink sweater. He said, "I really love the colour of your sweater. It reminds of when I used to play Risk. The colour of some of the pieces were the colour of your sweater." My response was, "Thanks. It kind of reminds me of Pepto-Bismol." His response to that was, "I have never had the pleasure of using that product." Then, we laughed, and I thought the Risk-line was just nerdy enough to actually sort of work on me. HA!

This Morning

A few issues this morning.

1) trouble getting out of bed because I was hearing the sounds of people scraping snow and ice off their cars, and that didn't motivate me to get up for some reason. I am also avoiding the stuff I have to do today....
2) no coffee in the house. I am drinking green tea, and it is just making me angry. I need to venture out into the snowstorm and caffeinate myself properly.
3) I am writing something, and the ending is not coming together. Why are endings so hard? That is not a real question. Here are some possible ways I could end it. 1) happy ending (they all lived happily ever after); 2) sad ending (someone dies or is seriously maimed); 3) Film noir ending (someone disappears and no one know what really happened); 4) surprise ending (totally fuck with the reader, and turn everything upside down). I know there are other kinds of endings, but these are the ones I am currently stuck on -- "stuck" being the operative word here.
4) I had a bizarre dream this morning that a close friend of mine had a blog called "Oatmeal Matters", in which she created very intricate and complex comic strips on rice paper, about a couple who bickered all the time, but in a very sophisticated kind of way. When I got up I decided to google "Oatmeal Matters", and no on has a blog by this name. In the dream, she had no readers, so I was going to generously link her to my blog, so that she would have about 15 readers a day.

Velvet and silk brooch with evil eye

I like this one. I wore it today and felt like I won first prize.

Things that are going on the back-burner for a couple of weeks...

I have decided to put some things on the back-burner -- until the end of November.

1) The ESI profiles. I am hopeful that when Megan does her work with the ESI team, this issue will be resolved. But until that time, the profiles are not happening.

2) Tiana's prize. I am working on various models, and this prize will be ready at the beginning of December in time for her to put it on her tree. I just bought a bag of evil eyes, and am sewing them on everything now. So, expect a Christmas ornament with an evil eye!

3) Christmas presents, and other Christmas-related crap. I am not even thinking about it now.

4) What I am doing from January - June 2008. This has not yet been determined, but I am not going to even think about it for two weeks.

5) There is no fifth thing.

What is on the front-burner then, you ask? I am back in writing hell. So, you can expect some whiney and pathetic postings in the next couple of weeks. At the moment, though, I am enjoying being curled up inside in front of my computer, while looking out the window at the freshly fallen slush. So far, I am not complaining.

Silk brooch with 2 beads and an evil eye

Conversation with a Man I do not know* who happens to be in the "helping profession"

Man: "Aggie, you mentioned last week you are homeless, and temporarily living in Ottawa and Montreal. That must be so difficult, and clearly, you must be going through something to have this kind of unstable living arrangement. I just thought you might like to come over to my place, and hang out for a bit and feel ok.
Aggie: "I'm doing fine, actually. I didn't intend to communicate that I was unstable."
Man: "Oh well, that's great. Maybe you would like to come over to my place anyway then."
Aggie: "Your place? No thanks."

Why would this fellow not simply invite me out for a beer? What is this "come over to my place" stuff? What planet is he from? Was he simply doing the 1/10 thing?** Are there new conventions out there that I have missed?

Note to self: don't mention homelessness to strangers (or insurance people)

*I know this man through a course I am taking, but I am not even sure what his name is.
**Do I need to explain the 1/10 thing?

Santopol Roulant

We need a Santropol Roulant in Ottawa. This is a groundbreaking meals-on-wheels program. They manage to have a steady flow of young, enthusiastic volunteers to make, package and deliver about 100 meals to seniors every day. They do all kinds of other things, too: hold intergenerational events, educate people about how to make a rooftop garden, organize bike workshops, etc.
Could this work in Ottawa? I can envision something like this in Mechanicsville...

Leaf-shaped pillow with monogram

Another pillow

I just finished this one. I think I like it the best so far. I experimented with a bit of pink embroidery thread with this one, which was fun.
Soon, I will have pillows coming out of my ying yang. As I mentioned before, it seems that this is what everyone will be getting for Christmas for this year.

ESI Profile Angst

About a week ago, I promised the ESIs that I would write a profile for each one of them. I already wrote the Chair's profile a long time ago, something that has caused a big brouhaha. They all ask-- Why the Chair and not me?
Now, faced with the task of writing a profile for 4th Dwarf, Coyote, Conch Shell and the Independent Observer, I am experiencing a bad case of writer's block. Here is what it looks like in my head:

Me: Ok, Aggie. Time to start the profiles.
Me: Ok, which one first?
Me: Conch Shell? No, the IO. No, Coyote....No, Dwarfie.
Me: But, what are you going to say anyway?
Me: I don't have a fucking clue!
Me: But these are your friends. Surely, you have something interesting to say about your friends.
Me: But I want them to be interesting and to capture something unique about each ESI. You did it for the Chair.
Me: Yeah, and look where that got me!
Me: Just start writing.
Me: I don't want to! Stop telling me what to do!

Why are we still wearing panty hose?

I do not wear panty hose -- except on my head when I'm dressed as a Buddhist monk for Halloween -- but found myself in a situation this Saturday evening when I had to purchase a pair of the fucking things. So, I went to Fancy Sox in the Rideau Centre, where I made the mistake of splurging in a higher end pair of sheer stockings because I assumed they would be less like to run on the first wear! I also assumed that, surely to God, they have come up with some models that are a bit sturdier now.
I VERY CAREFULLY put the fucking things on, and I looked down to find a very large run making its way down my leg. 'Maybe your toenails are too long or are jagged,' my helpful companion suggested. This was not the case, and even if they were, they should not bust this easily.
At the soiree that I attended, I sat next to a woman and complained about my pantyhose breakdown. She said, 'If you wash them with shampoo before you wear them, the fibres stand up longer.' Are women out there really doing this?
I am wondering why people are still wearing these things that are designed to instantly self-destruct.

Tetes a Claques

If you haven't checked out any of the Tetes a Claques, you should. They are all the rage in francophone Canada now. I laughed my ass off when I watched this one of the couple at the border crossing: http://www.tetesaclaques.tv/video.php?vid=232. Enjoy! Sorry, I am unable to create a link at the moment...

Cat Pillow

Does your cat like to sleep on your bed? Do you like your cat sleeping on your bed? Do you dislike when your cat walks on your face in the night, or sticks his or her ass in your face? This pillow may be the answer. It's made of soft polar fleece with a goldfish motif and lightly stuffed. It is made to be located at the foot of your bed, where you hope your cat will stay.

Laptops in Cafes

If I were running a cafe, I would supply slightly larger tables, and insist that the laptop folks double up. They don't need to be sitting there in a line of solitude. Think of the beautiful relationships that could develop if people were asked to double up! Picture this: their eyes met over their laptops.

Another Time-Share Pillow

Here is another pillow. It is not completely stuffed. I ran out of stuffing. I used the rest of that fox fabric, and I decided the foxes needed to be under a silk silver moon.

New Cushion

This is what everyone is getting for Christmas this year.

Questions for Craft People

Back to the crafts for a moment, here. I have some questions I would like throw out to the craft community:

1) Where can you buy fabric in Ottawa? What happened to the Fabricsville beside the Rideau Centre? Please don't tell me I need to drive out to Orleans.

2) Can you recommend a good beginner sewing book that is readable, has nice simple projects in it, and includes basic quiltmaking? I'm looking for something that is solid, but not too finicky.

3) Which craft blogs should I be linking to -- local blogs and otherwise?

Found Love Note

I found this note today left on a restaurant table before it was cleared. I am intrigued. Any ideas on what this is about?

"You look beautiful all the time, but more when your heart is blooming.... - Sorry for the chill."

Finishing the meme

Let's bring some closure to this, shall we? More random things about me.

6) I am totally with the environmental movement, but have trouble recycling, being green, not wasting stuff, not loving big cars.

7) I thought I hated cats until I got my cat, then, I realized I love cats more than dogs.

8) I can't remember the years I was married, or even the year I got married. I have completely blanked out all of it.

9) I once -- all in the same evening -- dropped acid, got stoned, drank, then fell into the arms of a pizza delivery man. This happened a while back, folks. Actually, around the same time as the West Block shagging incident.

10) Oh my goodness, I just realized that I've exceeded the 7-things limit here!!!

Tuesday

I apologize to those I freaked out/grossed out with yesterday's Meme posting. Yes, that particular Progressive Conservative had cooties, and I was damn lucky I escaped that desk experience unscathed. Although, I repeat, I was not boffing the actual Member. Maybe, the person who tagged me will think twice next time there is a Meme going around.

Today I thought I would just let you in on my blogging goals for the week:

1) finish the fucking Meme (6 and 7)
2) write profiles about the remaining ESIs (Conch Shell, Coyote, the Independent Observer and 4th Dwarf)
3) display more crafts
4) set some fitness goals (like Zoom)
5) there is no fifth thing.

2 More for 7-thing Meme

I am doing this meme thing GRADUALLY. Here are 2 more random, little known things about moi:

4) I "made love" on the desk of a Progressive Conservative Member of Parliament (not with the Member).
5) I got fired by the Member whose desk I fornicated on when my true politics were discovered.

fox

7 Things Meme (3 things for today)

Weeks ago, Urban Pedestrian tagged me for this 7 random things Meme. I will take a crack at this now. But, I'm only going to do three today, because I'm on a borrowed computer here.

1) My first boyfriend became a born-again Christian, and when he announced to me that he had "found Jesus", I dumped his ass.
2) I am afraid of bunnies, and some marsupials. Kangaroos are a terror. It's their back, springy legs, and the floppy ears. Fuck.
3) I lost a wedding ring (mine) in a toilet.

Halloween Angst

What to be for Halloween? I wandered into a sex store today to look for a Halloween costume, but they were too expensive. Here were some things I could have been:

1) Dr. Lay
2) Nurse Suck
3) A French Maid
4) A School Girl
5) Officer Spank

There were more, but I couldn't get beyond the pricetags.

Then, I went to the fabric store. There was some nice pink fabric. I thought I could go as a shrimp. Not sexy, I know, but ....

I'm at a loss here!! HELP!!!!

Panier

The quality of this photo is not great, but here is my latest piece of sewing. It was given as a birthday to a happy recipient who named it "panier". I am liking the tweed on silk combo.

One problem (or challenge, rather) is that I have no patience for FINISHING things properly. This little piece is thumbtacked roughly onto a small canvas. It looks like crap if you turn it around. One of my goals is to learn how to finish things cleanly. Again, this goes back to OWNING what is an unpleasant and tedious part of the process for me.

New tablecloth

Another new fabric acquisition is this tablecloth I bought for $4 at a garage sale. It is in perfect condition.
I don't know the vintage of the tablecloth, but it brings me back to the late 70s, early 80s. It's a 'happy housewife' cloth. A let's-make-the-house-cheery cloth. It evokes the days of the jellied salad, of valium, of martinis. The good old days.

Craft update

Here is something I did yesterday with some of the silk fabric found in the garbage and bits of tweed I got at the garage sale. It's mounted on a canvas.

Quick Aggie Update

My bike was stolen. It's my own fault. Anyway, without boring you with those details, the good news is, my downstairs Montreal neighbour had a garage sale today. She sold me 1) a $25 bike that works, and 2) gorgeous flannel material for a mu'umu'u.

Minutes for the ESI Emergency Meeting will be posted later. Limited battery power here....

Back to the Mu'umu'us for a moment

Coyote and I had some kind of bizarre psychic incident on Wednesday evening in which we were BOTH thinking about Mu'umu'us! What are the chances of that? I sketched a picture of a mu'umu'u in my notebook as a project I wanted to do immediately. I want to design and sew my own mu'umu'u in a bright flannel fabric. While drinking coffee with Coyote yesterday, we thought there might be some misconceptions about mu'umu'us, so we decided to come up with the beginnings of a Q & A. If we want to make billions, we need to be prepared to answer these questions. Please let us know if you have other questions.

What distinguishes a mu'umu'u from your basic flannel nightie? --The sleeves will be much floatier. The colours will be brighter. This is the piece of clothing you will want to slip into the moment you step into your home. This is not a garment you should sleep in, although you may want to.

Can I exercise in my mu'umu'u? ---You can walk around in it. Walking is exercise.

What do these things do for my butt? ---What butt? The beauty of this piece is that you don't even think about your butt. And if you are really obsessed with your own butt, get yourself a butt bra ($10 at Walmart, apparently).

Can I wear my mu'umu'u out of the house?-- Absolutely! This is a statement piece. And, a great conversation starter.

But, are they sexy? --Yes, they are. Mu'umu'us don't impede blood flow. This means you will be smarter. Smart is sexy.

Some Blog Housekeeping

I have added some new "favourites" to my bloglist, and have moved a few to a section called "Inactive Blogs I like". I like to think that all these folks are going through an intense incubation period. Let's talk about these people for a moment:
1) Bob. As you all know, I have had a massive crush on Bob. In fact, I would love to be part of his drunken dinner club crowd, but, alas, have never been invited. I hope Bob starts blogging again soon. I want to know how his renos are going.
2) Harmony. Harmony is busy, and I believe her. But, all the more reason to blog, I say. A space to reflect, no?
3) Mysterious East. They had a strong start. A powerhouse group blog, but they didn't seem to have the stamina that the ESI team has...Or, should I say that the ESI team HAD at one point.
4) Pandora. Pandora is also busy. And, she is so creative. I suspect her creativity is being directed elsewhere at the moment. I am hoping she will resurface.
5) The 5th Muse. I am hoping she will come back some day.

To my favourites, I have added the sassy Urban Pedestrian who has added lots of energy and wit to the blogsphere of late. I have also added Jo Stockton, who I just discovered is a QUILTER. I cannot even describe how much this delighted me. I know there are more to add, but this is all I could manage this evening.

"Owning" things

A good friend of mine helped me work through the writing hell situation of yesterday. She said, "Listen, Aggie. You need to own this part of the writing process, even though it's not as much fun as other parts of the process." She laughed at her use of the word "own" here -- because she's not a person who would normally say this kind of thing. I meditated on it, and I think she is dead on. So, today, I'm in the library owning the fucking thing. Unfortunately, there seems to be some kind of power outage here in the library, which may mean that I may have to own it elsewhere. So, a message to all of you struggling with writing, or any other crap you are going through: own it!

And, totally unrelated, (but probably related somehow in the grand scheme of things), here is a sweet image I witnessed today: a beautiful grey/silver cat sitting under a tree watching yellow leaves parachute down.

In Writing Hell

I am in the process of writing something - somewhat dull, but not totally - and am currently in writing hell. I have the outline. I know what I need to do to finish the stupid thing. I just need to do it. I have done everything to stimulate writing, including going here.
My existential crises, neuroticism, self doubts --- all of it is OUT in full bloom! I have promised myself that I will acquire a sewing machine if I can just get through this. Even that isn't helping matters.

Craft People are Nuts

Many craft people are absolutely fucking nuts. If they didn't have their crafts, they might be in institutions, which, I guess is where many craft people used to end up: in the basket weaving ward. I met an avid knitter yesterday, and realized that she was absolutely insane. She had about 6 knitting projects on the go. She had just spent $500 on Baby Alpaca yarn, which she insisted on sticking right in my face so that I could feel it. She couldn't stop talking about knitting. She started pulling out all of her knitting patterns to convince me to pick one. When I told her I was more interested in sewing at the moment, she led me to her $3000 Pfaff Sewing machine, which is currently collecting dust because of, well, all the knitting.
Some craft people go really really nuts and open up businesses to feed their particular crafty obsession. I met a woman like this who runs this spectacular button store. If you are looking for buttons, this is the place to go. She is nuts. A neighbourhood little girl came in when I was in the store to chat with the woman. After the kid left, the button lady said about the girl, 'I guess she is in love with me because I own a button store, and that must be pretty cool.' Yes, or maybe because you are nuts!

The Problem with Craft Magazines

I am a magazine consumer. Yesterday, I was pulled into Mags and Fags on Elgin Street, and immediately went to the craft magazine section. Now that I'm a craft blogger/person, I need to start reading this stuff. I was appalled at what I saw. Craft magazines are total shit -- unless perhaps I've missed one that is good. This is what I had to sort through:
1) the scrapbooking magazines. There are tons of these. I still don't understand what scrapbooking is, and why anyone would want to do it. Could someone please explain this to me.
2) the knitting magazines. Lovely, but, too hard. Winter would be over before you'd finish these things.
3) the quilting magazines. These were a HUGE disappointment to me! No, I don't want to quilt the American flag, thank you very much. And no, I don't want to quilt care bears, either.
Help! I'm looking for something fun, edgy, crafty with a bit of social commentary. Does such a craft magazine exist?

Yoga

I went to yoga today for the first time in about a year. I will not likely be able to move tomorrow. I bought a 5-class pass with the hope of getting back into it. I can't be bent over a sewing machine all the time. That is just not healthy.
What I enjoyed most about the class were the adjustments. I love adjustments! You know, when they come over and shove your hip in one direction and your shoulder in the other direction. Nice. I thanked my teacher (an adorable little poptart of a yogi) for every single one of his adjustments -- and there were a lot.
What I find amusing about yoga is the bizarre humour that is only funny to a few yoga freaks. At the beginning of the class, the teacher said something funny, and everyone laughed except me. The punchline was Vinyasa. I had forgotten what fucking Vinyasa was because I hadn't been to yoga for a while.
I followed up the yoga with a full Korean meal, and have had my head on my desk for most of the afternoon.

Angst

Some of my blogging friends have confessed that they are "having trouble with my shift into craft blogging." One friend even said to me just yesterday: "Bring the angst back. That's what we all love." I want to reassure you all that the angst is still here.
Here are some of the things causing me angst right now:

1) I don't have a sewing machine. I have been to stores, gone online, read consumer reports. Some say the Sears Kenmore (forget the number) is the best cheapest one you can get. Some say go to Walmart and pick up a Brothers for $100. Others say, whatever you do, go digital. Still other say, make sure it has a one-step button holer.

2) My travel plans for the winter are still fuzzy. I want to go somewhere warm, or at least warmer. Tickets need to be purchased.
Plans need to be made. I cannot seem to move ideas to reality at the moment.

3) Urban Pedestrian has asked me come up with 7 random things about myself, and it seems too hard to do. I am considering digging into my own archives and pulling them out there. That seems like a cop out, though.

4) I am jealous of so many other bloggers - especially CRAFT bloggers, people who can come up with a fun project from a set of burnt out lightbulbs. Or, ones who are just plain BRILLIANT. I am trying not to let my jealousy get the best of me. I'm working on this with the Buddhists.

5) There is no fifth thing at the moment.

Square

Here is a square I made using one of the silk pieces (I found in the garbage) as the ''cabin" in the centre. It is actually hanging the wrong way. Turn your head sideways to the right and it will be perfect.

Another use for binder clips: displaying finished quilt pieces.

A more traditional way of doing this would be to put darker fabrics on one side of the piece, to represent the shadier side of the house. I am currently experimenting with this.

Sewing machine update: the old one has been returned to the store, and I am ready to buy.

Score!

Ladies and gentlemen, I found this amazing thing in the garbage: fabric swatches, and enough fabric in three gorgeous colours to make a set of cushions. I looked at the label, and this stuff is 100% silk and from a very expensive fabric store in Westmount. The swatches are PERFECT for log cabin quilting. My plan now is to make a log cabin quilt using the swatches as the 'cabin'. I will show you an example of what this will look like in a future posting. Then, I will make a set of cushions to go with the log cabin quilt from the larger pieces of fabric. And, as if this find weren't enough, they are all neatly on a hanger for easy storage! Score!!

Craft mentors

I decided if I am going to make this transition into craft world, I need a guide. So far, I have a superb craft mentor named Serah Marie, a talented and energetic young woman, who is both textile artist and editor of Worn. She is a brilliant and inspirational teacher. She is good at teaching the technical aspects of sewing. But, like every good art teacher, she has her eye on the higher vision of artistic expression. During my log cabin quilting course, she described - with tears in her eyes - her own journey into textile art which began after a visit to the Whitney Museum in New York where she saw the Gees Bend Quilters. Serah Marie is a true artist. She does not believe in measuring - or only where it matters. That works well for me. She also encourages her students to be instinctive when grabbing fabrics for a quilt. ''Don't worry about matching", she says. "Sometimes surprising and interesting things come out of putting together things that don't look like they match.''

I hate my sewing machine

If I am going to be a legitimate crafty person, I need to have the right equipment. My $50 Salvation Army sewing maching is not cutting it. The machine is eating my fabric, and the thread tension dial is all fucked up. My new seam ripper, however, has been fabulous. My project? Reversible placemates with trim. Photos may appear later.

Finished Bag

This is how the finished bag looks, full of books and other stuff. This weekend, check in here for log cabin quilting and possibly embroidery.

being crafty

Now that this is a CRAFT blog, I will have to start linking to craft sites and taking stunning photographing of my projects at all stages. I am currently exploring other craft blogs out there which I will be linking to soon.
What I love about craft people are that they are so darn clever. If they appear a bit smug, they deserve to be! They can make a table runner out of a pair of dollar store sports socks. This is the kind of shit I want to do here, people! I want to be thrifty, clever, innovative, organized-- everything you have ever dreamed of in a craftsperson.

Occupational Therapy

Occupational Therapy refers to the use of meaningful occupation to assist people who have difficulty in achieving healthy and balanced lives; and to enable an inclusive society so that all people can participate to their potential in daily occupations of life. (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

I made a tote bag! This is the tote bag in progress. This is now officially a CRAFT BLOG, people. That's right. I am a craft person now.

Recovery Plan

If I were a more open and courageous blogger, I would disclose why I need a recovery plan, my past recovery plans, my history of needing recovery plans, etc. I prefer to let my readers speculate. So, go ahead and speculate.

While you are speculating, here is my recovery plan:
1) minimize alcohol consumption for a couple of weeks.
2) bike up hills daily.
3) sit in the sun as much as possible.
4) drink a lot of water.
5) take a short nap every day.
6) take iron.
7) work in 30-minute chunks, then take breaks.
8) use the sewing machine, but don't expect to be Mintyfresh in one day.
9) make bed.
10) lie in it.

Re-reading this posting made me want quit blogging, or to write a different kind of blog entirely: a political commentary blog, a mommy blog for cat mommies, a blog for nutcases.

More recovery

I got carried away with the wine-drinking last night, which has resulted in me --
1) having to take a pill and a 2-hour nap today, 2) having to apologize to someone who was trying to talk to me about something serious, which I drunkenly diverted, making it look like I didn't give a shit, and worse, like I was attacking what she was putting forward. And if that wasn't bad enough, when I tried to recover and bring it back to her, I ended up making it all about me!
Needless to say, I am not very pleased with myself today, so am laying low. I am enjoying listening to a group I am just discovering - COCOROSIE. I am reading the latest New Yorker, which is not so great. I am making spagetti. I am feeling the cold, darkness and gravity of fall. Summer's over.